I Took a Class Pass/No Pass, and So Should You

Last fall, this publication wanted to spout their mouth, and so it created a tournament to find the best winter distro class. There were sick references and numbers, but I guess you had to be there. Since I hadn’t written an article in 2 quarters, I had to sign up for the class that won. Unfortunately, the final two courses ended up tying. Guess the editors fucked up rigging the “student-decided contest.” I took Modern Cosmology, because I wanted to learn how to sail by night. I was disappointed, but I switched to pass-no pass (P/NP), and it was the BEST. Here’s what I was thinking throughout:

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Reality vs Expectations: the College Classroom Edition

Look at me I’m so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come. [via dvdactive.com]

Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.

Statistics
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer

Art
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?

Econ
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam:

Imaginary Conversation with Cute Girl in Front Row Going Great

The girl in question, from your point-of-view. (via mwestsite.wordpress.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – According to multiple sources within your consciousness, the conversation you are currently imagining with that cute girl in the front row of your Econ 202 class is going really well, and you are coming off as uncharacteristically charming and witty. Throughout this hypothetical exchange, the female with approachable, sort of “girl next door” good looks is laughing at all of your jokes—as they are being delivered with impeccable comedic timing—and understands all of the obscure pop culture references. She has even probably watched and can quote lines from the entire Monty Python TV series, much to your pretend surprise.

The “down-to-earth” personality that you have invented for this girl—based largely off the fact that she is wearing Converses and has a Bon Iver sticker on her laptop—seems to be

The Hollow Pastiche of Beyoncé’s Genius: A Reviéw

The songs on Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, BEYONCÉ, are fine. They’re good songs that sound like the music Beyoncé makes, which is what people like to listen to. The music on the album is whatever and absolutely besides the point because OH MY GOD BEY JUST BROUGHT THE INTERNET TO A GRINDING HALT. Beyoncé unexpectedly dropping a 14-song album and the 17 corresponding music videos plus credits exclusively on iTunes—and the ensuing collective Internet swoon—makes Beyoncé pop culture’s truest celebrity and genius. But the mega-stardom and brilliance of Beyoncé and her album succeeds either because of, or in spite of her “visual album” presenting a form of pastiche as devoid of substantive value as Upworthy, and not even half as inspired.

The Top 5 Species of CTECs

Welp, it’s getting to be about that time again. Just as you start to cram for finals and mentally prepare yourself for a few all-nighters, Northwestern decides to saddle you with your quarterly Course and Teacher Evaluations. (The second C stands for “Cooch”, or so my roommate tells me). So to use as you please, here are your top five formats to help you get through CTECs so you can start worrying about things that matter, like New Years plans.

5. The Pshhh

The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?

Two Students Standing Right in Front of Fucking Doorway Having Great Fucking Conversation

Dunn and McCoy, just leaving a ton of fucking room for us to get on with our goddamn lives.

At 10:58 this morning, Weinberg students Kyle Dunn and Sarah McCoy were seen right in front of the northernmost entrance to Kresge having just a fantastic fucking conversation.

The pair, talking about how great their Spanish professor is or some shit, appeared to be having the fucking time of their lives, all while blocking multiple students on their way to their 11 AM classes.

“She’s just so inspirational! She makes me want to learn!” said McCoy of her professor while three or four students awkwardly stood there waiting for the pair to fucking move.

Communications student Ryan Anderson was one of the

15 Reasons Why You’re Skipping Class Today

WELP

1. Searching for that grade-A Miley sideboob on Google Images

2. It’s kind of cold and you have a blanket on and yeah Steve, we all know it’s only like a five minute walk to class and we’re here to go to school but would you just shut the fuck up and let me lay in bed

3. Just discovered Parks and Rec on Netflix

4. Seemingly nice guy you met at a frat party on Saturday still has you tied-up in his basement

5. Refusing to go to class until government shutdown is over

6. I don’t know, masturbating? Some people just have other things to do

7. It’s your mom’s birthday and you’ve always been a huge disappointment to her and the rest of the family, so why not really rub it in?

8. Can’t seem to find the best way to punch that hooker in the face in GTA V

9. Broke down and tried all three of Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos last night and you just need to take a little time to think about what you’re doing with your life because things really aren’t looking good. Things rarely do after spending 7 hours on a toilet

10. Cocaine addiction is a full-time job.

11. Class doesn’t allow laptops and Buzzfeed posted 23096 new puppy gif articles you need to look at

12. Just can’t take another second of listening to that bitch Marie rant about how much she hates the patriarchy and the inherent unfairness of society in the MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN PHYSICS LECTURE, OF ALL PLACES

13. You’re a theater major doing method acting for your one-man-show about a guy who just hates going to class

14. You’re just fucking fed up, ya know? Like, why are we in school anyhow? This whole thing is stupid.

15. Because fuck you, that’s why

Student Shocked to Discover Racial Bias in Criminal Justice System

Zimmerman, after learning he was found guilty by a jury of 250.67 million online peers

CHEVY CHASE, WASHINGTON DC–Sources report 20-year-old Samantha Hastings was visibly disturbed early Sunday morning upon learning that an invidious racial bias permeates throughout the American judicial system.

According to eyewitness reports, the revelation that George Zimmerman–the neighborhood watch volunteer who fatally shot the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin and ignited a national forum on racial profiling and civil rights–was  found not guilty on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter produced a tumult of shock, disappointment, and anger in Ms. Hastings. Many close friends and relatives noted the Northwestern University biology major’s rapid politicization regarding the pervasive racial discrimination inherent in the legal framework of the United States has occurred even faster than the last time Ms. Hastings learned about the racist underpinnings of much criminal enforcement, after hearing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” for the first time.

What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.