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Tag Archives: club

5 African Warlords Who Would Be Really Good at Running Nightclubs

1 Feb

Idi Amin

You can tell that guy is all about leisure, luxury, and popping bottles.

You can tell that guy is all about leisure, luxury, and popping bottles.

Nicknamed “The Butcher” after leading a 1971 military coup in Uganda resulting in the deaths of millions of people, Idi exemplifies what it means to take charge and get the job done. The bar needs to be restocked? Idi’s got it. Rowdy guests? Don’t worry, Idi’s army can handle it. Need to reclaim parts of Kenya and Sudan to build that outdoor pool-strip club hybrid? Idi is your man. The warlord ended up deposed and exiled to Saudi Arabia, the world’s party capital, ensuring that “Brodi” could continue using his ruthless genocidal tendencies to make sure that only the coolest people are left in the club. Continue reading

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Beyoncé “Super-Jealous” of Chet Haze’s Talent

12 Apr
Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she's the hottest baby.

Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she’s the hottest, baby.

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Avenue, seventeen-time Grammy award winner Beyoncé Knowles praised Chet Haze’s latest video, “Finest Girl,” as “the most promising display of raw talent I have ever seen.”

The star of Dreamgirls shared her high opinions of Chester Marlon Hanks, better known as “Chet Haze” in the rap community, whose introspective video about not remembering whether he got the digits of a girl at a club debuted yesterday.

“I thought it was an incredibly insightful commentary on today’s suffering economy. The subtle reference to Nietzsche really demonstrated his lyrical skill, concern with really deep topics, and how much he’s really learned from his classes at Northwestern. And the way that girl clearly took her makeup cues from Jenna Marbles, I just – it says so much about women’s role in culture these days.” Continue reading

An open letter to the Northwestern Kid who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough

9 Mar
Happiness Club does NOT count

Happiness Club does NOT count

Dear Northwestern Kid Who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough,

Let’s face it.  Every single person at this university is way busier than you, and everyone knows it. Uninvolved Kid, your lack of extracurricular involvement within Northwestern is like a giant dildo on the floor of a nursing home. We all know it’s there, but we really, really don’t want to bring it up.

Remember how you sobbed after realizing how fucking fat and lazy you’ve gotten since high school? How you dripped tears and snot onto your iPhone and Siri was like “whoa, this kid needs his mom” and called her for you? And how your faithful mom, who has been glued to her phone ever since that one time you rang her up about barfing in the BK lounge AGAIN, answered your moaning self-denigration with a “Honey! Of course that’s not true. You’re my little rainbow! Why, I bet everyone at your smart college thinks about themselves the same way.”

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What You’re Really Doing at College

27 Feb

What students do in between live sex demonstrations or producing Chet Haze’s next record

College: The Pinnacle of Higher Education. Years of hard-work, civic involvement, and awkward loneliness have brought you here. This is the culmination of everything you thought you were working for when you were President of your high school’s National Honor Society, German Club, Breakdancing Club, Future Leaders of America Club, and the “Fuck I Just Want to Get Into a Really Good School Can’t You Fucking Stupid Admission Officers See That Club” (I dedicated most of my time to the F.I.J.W.G.I.R.S.C.Y.F.S.A.O.S.T.C.). And you’ve made it kid – you’re here. However, now that you’ve reached this shining beacon of knowledge, there’s one thing you don’t want to do: work. After a lifetime of pretending to care about learning, you’re just plain out of shits to give. But since you’re here, you may as well do something. Here’s what you probably spend most your time doing at college.

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