An open letter to the Northwestern Kid who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough

Happiness Club does NOT count

Dear Northwestern Kid Who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough,

Let’s face it.  Every single person at this university is way busier than you, and everyone knows it. Uninvolved Kid, your lack of extracurricular involvement within Northwestern is like a giant dildo on the floor of a nursing home. We all know it’s there, but we really, really don’t want to bring it up.

Remember how you sobbed after realizing how fucking fat and lazy you’ve gotten since high school? How you dripped tears and snot onto your iPhone and Siri was like “whoa, this kid needs his mom” and called her for you? And how your faithful mom, who has been glued to her phone ever since that one time you rang her up about barfing in the BK lounge AGAIN, answered your moaning self-denigration with a “Honey! Of course that’s not true. You’re my little rainbow! Why, I bet everyone at your smart college thinks about themselves the same way.”

Clubs that Should Exist at Northwestern

There are a lot of clubs at Northwestern. That’s no news. You’re interested in global health? Good for you, man, we’ve got a club for that. Like to pretend you play wizard sports? Well damn, homey, we got that too. You like to raise money and then dance for 30 hours for… some… reason? We do that too?

But there are a lot of unexplored frontiers people.

And because I’m a good friend, I’m going to open these frontiers to you. I’d start them myself, but when I decided to write for a blog where a fellow author has the word “Vandernips” in his title, I permanently barred myself from the realm of respectable employment. So I figure the leadership experience will pad your resume more than mine. Without further ado, here are some clubs that should exist at NU.

1) Snack Club

Want to know why I go to clubs? Snacks. I’ll just snack all day. Fruit snacks, granola snacks, candy snacks – man, I don’t give a fuck. I just want to eat something that exists outside of the traditional food pyramid. I figure this club would cut out the middle man. We wouldn’t have to pretend to care about global issues, or, for that matter local ones. We don’t have to pretend that we share a common interest, and, best of all, we sure as shit don’t have to do any paperwork. I have literally zero doubt that this would be the most popular club on campus.

NSFW:  Fruit snacks, baby, you got no idea what you’re doing to me

2) Disagreement Club

First off, let me clarify: disagreement club is designed to be unpleasant. No one will ever leave this place in a good mood. But if Facebook has taught me anything, it’s that people love to yell at other people more than they hate to be yelled at and realized that they can’t change anyone’s mind. My idea for disagreement club is simple. You’ll have a bunch of people show up in a room. And then you’ll have the club president (who was elected in one hell of a contested election) shout something about abortion, or taxes. Then you just let people go CRAZY. It’ll be like Fight Club, except everyone gets to be an unreliable narrator.

3) White Protestant Heritage Club

Wait. This is a country club. Whoops. Everyone to Deering.

Seen here dressed in their traditional garb, performing a classic ritual to please their dark God “Romney”

4) National Association of Academic Excellence

This is a club that will have one meeting. In that meeting everyone will be elected president and added to the snack club listserv.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends

I see 2,000 future friends

One of the best aspects of the college experience is how many fascinating people you meet and subsequently engage in raucous shenanigans with. A good collection of bffles can be an essential asset in all of the tasks that you will face during your freshman year, from drunkenly yelling at buoys in Lake Michigan to figuring out how to torrent The Lion King 1 1/2 without getting caught.

At first, making friends with complete strangers in a strange, strange land replete with fraternities, an all-night Burger King, and theater students can seem like a frightening challenge. But that’s no cause for alarm. Everybody is in the same boat as you, and upon completion of your freshman year you will be astounded by how many cool friends you have made and how many mysterious names still remain in your phone’s contacts — the forgotten identities of all your over-eager peers who decided to try and befriend you due to your proximity to one another at March through the Arch. Just remember that friendships grow organically and cannot be forced, unless, of course, you follow our sage wisdom on how to meet new friends.