Secret to Warmth Discovered: $700 Cash

Following a recent scientific discovery, researchers at Northwestern University have uncovered the secret to what makes those Canada Goose coats so warm. It isn’t a special blend of down feathers, or even an artificial down substitute created in a lab. After a small incision was made in the lining of a coat found at the Deuce Thursday night, scientists were shocked to find that the stuffing is $700 cash, shredded.

“We were baffled,” said Dr. Bill Fitzgerald, the lead scientist in the study. “We couldn’t believe no one had thought of it yet.”

Fitzgerald explained that scientists had never considered dissecting the coat, in spite of the mysterious $800 price, because they just assumed they were full of “feathers from the goose that laid the golden egg.” They never imagined that the filling was just cold, hard cash.

When questioned about the recent discovery, Canada Goose owner Jessica Lieberman did not seem surprised. “Honestly, I just got the coat because everyone else had one. In addition to keeping me warm in the cold winter, I use the coat to show off my dad’s income, and it certainly didn’t hurt during recruitment,” Friedman winked at us.

“If you’re strapped for cash, don’t even bother counterfeiting,” Dr. Fitzgerald explained, “We found that the only source of warmth this powerful is the real deal. It’s a dog-eat-dog world this winter; you’ll just have to get your Canada Goose the old-fashioned way—stolen from the floor of a frat party.”

Northwestern Student Not Sure What Jacket to Wear

EVANSTON, IL – As the temperatures finally increased above freezing, Northwestern students were faced with a new set of anxieties.

Sidewalks became moats as the 2 feet of snow from the heinous nightmare of a 5 month winter finally started to melt, allergies began to spread, and worst of all, the decision of what jacket to wear became increasingly difficult.

Weinberg Sophomore Ethan Hall spent 15 minutes alternating between

A Love Lost: A girl, a coat, and an undying romance

To whom it may concern,

This is a story about a love lost. It’s a story about a girl and a coat and an undying romance. It’s a story of heartbreak and grieving and loneliness. But it’s also a story of hope.

It all began with the snowfall.  On one frigid day in October in the city of Evanston, Illinois I fell in love.  Not with a boy or a class or a book or a puppy, but with a coat. That morning, after the weather report showed a high of 30 and a 70% chance of snow, I unearthed my hefty, unscathed Canada Goose coat from deep inside my 3-foot-long dorm room dresser, threw it over my shoulders and stepped outside. From that moment on, my life was changed forever.