Living Off-Campus: How to Feed Yourself And Not Die

Freshmen, tragically still dorm-ridden sophomores—as any upperclassman knows, living off campus is awesome. Having your own place means no flip-flops in the shower and rolling around naked on all the furniture being naked in the places that your dictatorial Philistine of a roommate has designated “not super perverted or weird.” There is, however, a very dark downside to getting out of North Mid-Quads or whatever shithole you live in, and that is learning how to feed yourself. Yes, today you may curse Hinman’s batter fried Pollock, but oh, just you wait until you’re

Why You Are Not a Child of the 90s

No matter how hard Buzzfeed might try to convince you otherwise.

We love the 90s.

And why shouldn’t we?  As a country, we were kicking ass.  The economy was great, the internet was just beginning to take off, and the music was fucking awesome.  Just ask any high school or college student about that gloried, fabled time period, and you’ll probably receive a flurry of “omygods” and “the90swereawesome” and, most frequently “I am totally a child of the 90s.”

I hate to break it to you, university students, but you are not children of the 90s.  You weren’t children of the 90s in the 90s, you aren’t children of the 90s now, and you won’t be children of the 90s in 20 years.  You are not a “child” of that time period, so shut the fuck up and stop claiming you are.

Things I Wanted for Christmas but Didn’t Get

Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

I only asked for a few things this Christmas, but unfortunately Santa decided to bring me socks and Chapstick instead. So, I’m reaching out to the loyal readers of the Ave. If you are still feeling the holiday spirit, I would love nothing more than to receive the following: