Tag Archives: Columbus Day

How we should really celebrate Columbus Day

8 Oct

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, then was a huge dick

Fall is a marvelous time of the year.  The leaves fall gracefully from the trees, the colors shift from lush greens to warm reds and deep yellows, and Tony Romo throws a lot of interceptions.  But when we’re not busy picking apples, trouncing through corn mazes, and drunkenly stumbling all over the student section of college football games, we have a tendency to catch a bit of a cold.

Now, we weren’t the first people to ever catch a cold in the fall.  Back in the late 15th century, a nice Italian man named Christopher Columbus (think Silvio Berlusconi, but slightly less likely to molest your daughter) became the first second one of the first Europeans to reach what they called “The New World.”  Even though The New World is where we live today, 15th century Europe perceived it as a place of mystery and darkness, much like modern-day Detroit.  Yet, Columbus bravely led his three trusty vessels – the Nina, the Pinta, and the Black Pearl – across the wide Atlantic Ocean and arrived safely in North America.  When he got there, though, it was fall, and many of the locals fell quite ill immediately thereafter.

Today is Columbus Day.  Today is a day we set aside to commemorate and celebrate Columbus and his violent genocide contraction of syphilis status as an explorer.  But a more proper way to recognize this holiday is to go to your local pharmacy, grocery store, or back alley and get a flu shot, to make sure you don’t suffer the same inevitable fate that millions did when Columbus showed up.  So get vaccinated, cuddle up under your warmest blanket, and keep warm this fall.  Happy Columbus Day, America!

On Columbus Day

10 Oct

Columbus valiantly raping native lands so future government employees could get a sweet three day weekend

You know that feeling you get when you wake up on Christmas morning? Or, for Jewish readers, that feeling you get when you wake up on Tax Day? Well, when my alarm went off at 10 this morning, I woke up with a very similar feeling. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and – most importantly – it was Columbus Day!

First celebrated in the superlative state of Colorado in 1906, Columbus Day is the quintessential American holiday. While Christmas has too many European influences to be American, Halloween’s partnership with obesity makes it too specific to the Deep South, and the 4th of July is too close to Canada Day to be truly American, Columbus Day stands for all the true American values: land-snatching, tribe-subjugating, civilization-founding, and boats. It would be preposterous for our nation not to wholly dedicate this day to the recognition of our nation’s pure and righteous heritage. And yet – somehow, Northwestern University neglected to cancel classes today.

How can we honor the man when we can't even blow up an inflatable Charlie Brown to the size of Columbus' ego?

There are two reasonable conclusions to draw from this abominable crime. First, one could presume that Northwestern University lacks a fundamental respect for American culture and history. However, there is nearly limitless evidence disproving this theory – the least of which being a timeless photograph of heavily intoxicated Northwestern students reenacting the iconic “Crossing the Delaware” painting in a rural barn.

Therefore, the only plausible conclusion left is that Northwestern – and many other institutions that don’t fully recognize this sacred day (*cough* SOUTH DAKOTA *cough*) – fears that a grandiose celebration of Columbus Day might “offend” people like “Native Americans.” My response to this? Don’t let the myth of “political correctness” get in the way of celebrating our nation’s manifest destiny. We can just solve things the easy way: If the “indigenous” peoples are offended by our holidays, just offer them some basic incentives. Perhaps they would go for a summer home in Oklahoma? If that’s not enough, we could throw in paid travel expenses to seal the deal.

The man sure as fuck didn't spark genocide and imperialism for this "no school" shit.

In retaliation to this unspeakable trend of political correctness, I encourage all readers to act in the most Columbian way possible. Spread your syphilis to as much of your community as you can. Paint “Santa Maria” on the side of your car and trespass on every property you see. Govern the Dominican Republic. Some may call you irrational and most will just call you an asshole, but I will call you a patriot and a role model.