A Heinous[1] Proposal: Last-Minute Pitch for Punny Fall TV Shows

Now is the time of year when executives at the major national broadcasting networks begin to decide which TV shows they’re going to give pilots to in the fall lineup, and in four short weeks they will announce to America what lies in store this coming September. While there are some clear front runners, it’s still too early to tell which pilots are flops waiting to happen and which will be the next Grimm: the police procedural/fantasy hybrid based in the world of Grimms’ Fairy Tales that is still keeping viewers spellbound three seasons in. Fridays, 9/8c[2].

This dude is just enthralled with Grimm’s whatever whatever. (via digitaltrends.com)

There are also some concepts floating around out there that are amazingly ridiculous[3], but the proposed concepts are missing one thing. There is a severe lack of series titles built around fantastically groan-inducing puns[4]. That’s why I’ve prepared this list of pun-based TV pilots that I’m trusting one of you RTVF readers to get into the right hands.

ABC: A drama-comedy about

5 Unusual Superpowers Everyone Secretly Wants

Not included on this list: the ability to look like Scarlett Johansson.

Invisibility just isn’t practical. How could anyone Instagram your heroic deed to make you internet-famous? Mind-reading makes you privy to every horrifying mental picture that happens after your younger siblings have The Talk. And do you really want to replace the bird poo on your car with “flying superhuman” poo? No, traditional superpowers are outdated. It’s time to ditch those Superman undies and replace them with SupercharisMan.

Dr. Seuss Hacked My Facebook Status

On Coming to Terms with Seth MacFarlane’s Talent

Two for each of Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts MacFarlane didn’t get to see.

Much of my self-identity is derived from my dislike (nay, hatred) of Seth MacFarlane and his empire.

I’ve spent the better half of my life shouting (literally shouting) at anyone with two ears that Family Guy is, in fact, not funny at all, and if you think so, you probably don’t even understand why Reaganing is such a hysterical concept. Family Guy is not funny; it’s obnoxious. My limited exposure to The Cleveland Show and American Dad produced the same conclusion.

“But Courtney,” you might say, “Why is it so important to you to tear down Seth MacFarlane? Does shitting on his success make you feel better about yourself?” The answer to that question is unequivocally YES. Of COURSE I feel better when I tear down MacFarlane  – the guy is one of the most successful comedians of the modern age, so when I shit on his sense of humor, I’m essentially screaming, “I’M FUNNIER THAN THE MODERN KING OF COMEDY, GUYS!”

Nathaniel Hawthorne Hacked My Facebook Status

The Top Ten Things I Miss About the Bush Administration

A retrospective list of the days when Bill Frist dispensed neurological diagnoses and no children were left behind.

10. The Music
The songs of John Ashcroft. Songs about John Ashcroft. Have you ever been to a Dixie Chicks concert immediately following their denunciation of the Commander-in-Chief? Because I have, and I doubt I’ll ever forget the experience. Or how short the lines for the men’s bathroom in the United Center were.

Besides, American Idiot may have been the single worst rock opera ever created. Well, at least until Ross Packingham and I finish our magnum opus, tentatively titled 525,600 Power Trips in a Year.