Regarding Yesterday’s Article on Riccardo Muti

To our readers,

Yesterday, Sherman Ave published a short article titled “Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker.” To summarize, the 160-word article made the joke that the only people excited for Northwestern’s choice of commencement speaker, Chicago Symphony Orchestra director Riccardo Muti, were the very elderly, playing with the culturally-accepted (possibly incorrectly so) idea that very few young, college-aged people listen to (and therefore enjoy) classical music. Upon its publishing, the article received strong negative backlash, both in WordPress, Facebook, and through emails to Sherman Ave directly; primarily from people who (in their postings) identified themselves as students or faculty of Northwestern University’s Bienen School of Music. It was referred to as “embarrassing and distasteful;” it was said that it “reflects horribly on NU;” and one commenter, who identified himself/herself as a “Bienen professor,” stated that it proves “your website is worthless and not remotely representing the values of Northwestern University…you are an embarrassment.” At the author’s request, and as per multiple comments demanding it, the article was removed from Sherman Ave early this morning.

Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker

(via voices.suntimes.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.

“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”

Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”

Russian to Sell American Dream to Saps

If Morty thinks buying a sports complex is enough to get him adequately ripped for this position, it’s going to be a sad, amateur routine at the commencement.

I was recently reading the Facebook news and was shocked to find that Russian Mikhail Kalishnikov will be speaking at the Northwestern commencement address. I had likely received this information in the sprinkling of Northwestern news and race-scandal e-bulletins sometime in the past 48 hours, mailed direct to my spam folder. It was as I finished reading the title of the article and promptly commenced writing this article that I found the selection odd. (Are moments that happened within the past minute and a half, thoughts still knocking around in your skull, considered the past or present? They haven’t stopped happening, but they definitely started in a period before the present.)¹

Not only was I blown away that they had managed to book the 65-year-old former former Soviet Union athlete/ballerino/Magic Mikhail spinoff Caucasus Films production co-star, but that Morty was willing to pay the postage for correspondence to Siberia. I guess I gave him more credit, but than again I am a Sherman Ave writer.

Why I’m transferring to Arizona State

Okay, so don’t think of this as a break up. Just think of it as a “see ya later pal,” aight? Because honestly, this isn’t about you. It’s about me needing to do what I have to do.

So here it is: I think I’m transferring. Probably to Arizona State. Sorry. But as I do in all breakups, and to make this much easier on you, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:

How come the student-to-hot-tub ratio isn’t factored into U.S. News & World Report Rankings?

1. Warmth
Literally what the fuck is with this snow? I thought it was like April or some ish like that. Didn’t we kill Punxatawnee Phil? Seriously, this is some bull. But in the warm sands of Tempe, we find an oasis of warmth and sunshine. ASU is the perfect mix of a hot, beach-like climate with no humidity to totally ruin your hair. This warm weather allows for a minimum of clothing, something that you’ll soon see is a key point. This balmy climate has long attracted retirees and schleppers, so why not me? I’ve had it up to HERE with the cold weather! I’m getting’ on up, movin’ on out and sittin’ back down in a lawn chair next to the private pool I assume each ASU student gets.