ForMITTable Opponents: Rejected Romney Running Mates

Sexxi can I?

After months of vetting potential running mates, presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has finally selected Paul Ryanas his partner on the G.O.P. ticket. Here are some of the potential nominees who couldn’t quite make it through the Vice Presidential vetting process.

Tony Horton
Like Paul Ryan, Tony Horton is committed to the P90X home fitness program. Unlike Paul Ryan, Tony Horton probably doesn’t want to eliminate all social programs in America that have been enacted since the Hoover administration. Also, between instructing both Usher and Pam the Blam, Tony Horton has worked with more black people than Paul Ryan has ever met in Janesville, Wisconsin.

A Cardboard Cutout of Ronald Reagan
Although deemed to have more personality and charisma than Vice Presidential contender Tim Pawlenty, the cardboard cutout never made it out of the vetting process due to rumors circulating that the 40th President had once been a Democrat. Instead, the Romney campaign intends to use the cutout as a portable beer pong table to be installed in the back of the bus for the “The Romney Plan for How We’ll Gut the Shit out of the Capital Gains Tax a Stronger Middle Class” tour.

Vet this, bitch.

Jesse Pinkman
Originally vetted as a pugnacious businessman who is willing to take on the establishment and appeal to youths nationwide, Pinkman, like Marco Rubio, was brought down by allegations of his connection to organized crime. Also, Mitt’s waiting to watch Season 5 of Breaking Baduntil it comes out on Netflix, and doesn’t want to accidentally overhear any spoilers.

Benjamin Netanyahu
It would be much easier for Romney to Likud Benjamin Netanyahu’s Knesset (if you know what I mean…)* if the Israeli Prime Minister was just a short walk away from the Oval Office. Seeing as Romney and Netanyahu worked together at the Boston Consulting Group in the 1970s, and the leader evokes more respect from Congress than the President of the United States, Netanyahu’s rejection — Article II of the Constitution notwithstanding — was one of the worst defeats in Israeli politics since the breakup of the Tribes of Israel with the death of King Solomon.

Morty Schapiro
Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann Romney’s horse.

Mitt Romney circa 2004
A moderate Republican willing to compromise with his political opponents in the name of good governance, the Governor of Massachusetts was hampered by his commitment to reform health care and cover virtually all of the uninsured, as well as his willingness to provide basic civil rights to women and homosexuals. The raging gay feminista-socialist Romney, who had the audacity to sign legislation requiring individuals to obtain health insurance, was deemed too radical for a Romney 2012 campaign trying to shore up its conservative image.

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*Bill Clinton sex.

The Small Penis Rule

Not sure if she's describing Rumsfeld or Cheney...

Every generation there comes an idea so powerful, so amazing, so ground-breaking that everyone in the world needs to be informed about it – and this is one of those times. I’m not talking about the shakeweight or even broccoflower. And no, I’m not talking about Gingrich’s moon colony (sorry Newt, but nobody would want you to be president there either). Today, I’ll be discussing “The Small Penis Rule.” If “do unto to others as you would have them do unto you” is the Golden Rule, then the Small Penis Rule is the Platinum Rule, because this is the best fucking rule ever.

The Small Penis Rule is the concept that you can libel any person you please by insulting a fictional character similar to the subject of your ire, as long as you say that the fictional character has a small penis. The logic follows that no man will claim that you are talking about him, because the man will not want to be perceived as the owner of a small penis.

If you are currently thinking, “Well golly Manua, I have quite the sizable trouser ferret,” you must think that this rule is beyond yourself (and really buddy? Trouser ferret? C’mon, let’s be a little more mature here).

The Small Penis Rule is amazing because of all its real-world applications. For example, it is a well-known fact that all Republicans have small penises (tax payments aren’t the only small thing Mitt Romney has). However, because none of them will admit to their physical and metaphorical shortcomings (Mitt Romney: I don’t really care about the poor… but my penis is huge), thanks to the Small Penis Rule you can now say whatever you like about them as long as you mention their teeny hum-diddlers!

Case in point: I know this guy named Lewt Kingrich. He’s a racist and ignorant assmunch of a philanderer hell-bent on destroying American politics for the benefit of his overwhelming narcissism, and he has a small penis. If any Republican candidate thinks this statement libels his character, please stand up and admit, “THAT’S ME! I’M THE GUY WITH THE SMALL PENIS!!!” That’s what I thought. The fact that a rule, CITED IN AN ACTUAL FUCKING LAWSUIT, can allow you to insult someone and get away with it for no other reason than because you said the person has a small penis is simply amazing.

Have you ever met Bichelle Machmann?

However, you may be asking, “Manua, how does this rule help with discussing women folk, like the raging prohibitionist bitch known as Mayor Tisdahl?” Well, it didn’t…until now! I would like to propose what shall henceforth be known as “The Big Vagina Rule.” It functions in a similar manner to the Small Penis Rule because, as one lady so eloquently put it, “I would not admit to having a huge floppy vagina.”

So next time you feel like libeling the person of your choice, remember the Small Penis Rule and the Big Vagina Rule and everything will be fine – it’s what the Founders intended when they created the free press!*

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*It is a well-known fact that the actual Preamble to the Constitution read: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal… except King George and his disproportionately tiny penis.”

Note: Special credit for this article goes to one Señor Doho, for bringing the Small Penis Rule to my knowledge. He also has a small dingledong.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Packing

Don't forget your D&D board

It’s late August, all of your friends are already at college, and – as much as you love watching 7 episodes of Jeopardy every day – you’re starting to get pretty antsy to leave home. Unfortunately, one gargantuan task stands in between you and your soon-to-be heinousness: packing. Well, tits. The dilemma of what-to-pack vs. what-not-to-pack is a difficult one for all incoming freshmen, but hopefully the following guidelines can help you pack for college with more efficiency and success.

Rule #1: Pack Light
Now I don’t want to sound like your grandpa, but when I marched across Europe in Patton’s Third Army, I was allowed to carry nothing but a canteen and a rifle. The ability to pack light is not only an excellent life skill (just ask anyone except Chris McCandless), but is also indispensable when moving to college. For one thing, you won’t make a stellar first impression on your roommate if you show up on the first day with 200 books and 35 hoodies. Additionally, it’s important to note that your dorm rooms are not especially large. And when I say “not especially large,” what I mean is “atrociously small.” Unless you live in Rogers House, in which case you have numerous other concerns.