It’s Not Alcoholism until You Graduate, According to Twelfth-Year Senior

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According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”

Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”

The Hardest Case: The true story of one NU student’s ascent to the top of the consulting world

Pecky Paddleton had it all figured out. Having triple majored in geography, African dance, and chemical engineering, the Northwestern senior was on his way to the final round interview with prominent consulting firm McKoonsey & Company. He still remembered the surprise evident in his parents’ voices when he first told them he was going to go do consulting and stuff.

“But why?” they asked.

“Well, ummm, you know, cases and stuff and that,” he had responded with the utmost confidence, laughing at their bewilderment.