Local Razor Announces Plans to Cut User’s Face

CHEHALIS, Wash.–Earlier this morning, a local Gillette razor blade reported that it intends to cut the face of its user, 39-year-old Richard Bowen, in the near future.

The razor, which consists of 5 thin blades and a moisturizing strip, told reporters that its blades were as “sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel” and that they could “deliver quite a nasty wound.”