A Romantic Retrospective: Fall Quarter

No no no. I want to hear about all frats you butt chugged at.

So, you’re a month and some change into your long distance relationship.  Congratulations on “making it work” while so many other people are miserable and alone.  You’ve come close to crying only a couple times when you were really drunk.   Everyone remembers your strength in those moments.  Good on you.

So far, you’ve done a great job not letting the relationship stop you from meeting new people.  Juggling this takes skill, and you’re crushing it.  People recall your composure with that drunken phone call you got when your old prom date discovered how awesome flip cup is.  Wasn’t that the time you casually mumbled, “I miss you, too,” in front of everyone you’ve considered hooking up with on your dorm floor?  Up to this point, they concluded you friend-zoned the world.  You’re back in play hot shot!

Sure, it’s tough.  Chin up.  You’re in the Midwest.  Your paramour is in, well, probably the Midwest.

Now, let’s not downplay the good times.  You literally can not remove the memory of that time you guys decided to try Skype sex while your roommate went to SPAC, and the video got scrambled because everyone in the dorm started playing Xbox online.  Hysterical.

Get excited for Thanksgiving break.  One: the sex.  Two: the grueling conversation about putting the relationship down.  Three: the post-turkey day sex.  Four: starting things back up with your mate.  God, you two should never ever be apart again.  Excellent save.

These are life lessons that you’ll be sure to remember.  You won’t at all put yourself in this situation senior year of college.  You’re going to turn down that job offer in Houston, and you’re moving to Brooklyn to stay together with that dorm mate you’ve been hooking up with on and off since freshman year.  How about that? You’re a New Yorker now!

-Cobra Lederham

UPDATED: How to Watch the Super Bowl

Act confused when informed that no team from New York is in the game.

The Game is here! After weeks of buildup and waiting, it’s finally time for the NFL Championship Super Bowl of Championshipness to Decide It All. You probably have some friends who are fans of either the New York Giants Baltimore Ravens or the New England Patriots San Francisco 49ers (those are the teams playing in it, ok?). And there’s a pretty good chance you’ll watch it with some people who are quite emotionally invested in this particular football pigskin gridiron matchup showdown game.

So, in our continuing series of helpful tips, we at The Ave want to offer a few suggestions on how to be as heinous as possible during any Super Bowl party:

• Wear the jersey of a team that isn’t playing and bring an #Occupy sign and rant about how unfair it is that 1% of the teams get 99% of the Super Bowl. Spout various anti-elite slogans, set up a tent, and grossly overstay your welcome.

• Ask loudly and repeatedly when the Puppy Bowl is on. Scoff loudly if anyone informs you that you’re at a Super Bowl party and proceed to attempt to take bets on which puppy will poop first.

• If the host asked everyone to bring a snack to share, make sure to bring plain pita chips with no hummus or dip. Proudly offer them up to replace the main meal and announce that you read on the Internet that pita chips are great for your colon. If anyone goes for normal, good-tasting chips you must glare at them and ask if they even care about their colon health.

• Declare repeatedly that you’re pretty sure the coin toss decides the whole game. Keep asking who won the coin toss and alternatively celebrate or start crying when you’re told.

Be sure to dress appropriately!

• Come absurdly prepared with stats, charts and play breakdowns. Repeatedly pause the game to show everyone what just happened and why it should have been anticipated by the defense. Act like this doesn’t make you the single worst human being ever.

• Complain that the halftime show isn’t gaudy enough. Demand more fireworks.

• At halftime, recoil in horror when Madonna start screaming and peeing with joy when Beyonce comes out. Ask if she’s a real human being or if this means “they have finally arrived.” this is the second coming. Weep openly.

• Attempt to start a debate about whether the two-minute warning should be introduced at the college level. Tell everyone what a difference it would make and unironically declare that Oklahoma would be national champs if there was a two minute warning. Use that as your sole piece of evidence.

• Tell everyone about every single bet you’ve made on the game a minimum of three times. Shout with disproportionate anger or joy every time you lose or win a bet. Try to get everyone else to cheer with you. Call it your DM fundraiser and accuse anyone not cheering of hating kids with cancer.

• If the game is close in the last two minutes, feverishly attempt to convince everyone to pause the game so you can watch the latest episode of Alcatraz Catfish. If they resist tell them they just don’t understand good television and laugh condescendingly.

• Get way drunker than everyone else and belt out every patriotic song you can think of for the entirety of the third quarter.*

• When the game is over, refuse to watch the trophy presentation because the trophy is named after Vince Lombardi and the Packers suck.

• Study for your Consumer Insight midterm for the entire game. In any quiet moment yell “social comparison involves seeing yourself through the prism of everyone else around you!” and then look around for confirmation. If others seem confused, inform them that your midterm is at 10 a.m. on Monday because your professor is a football terrorist.

Bring enough food for 12.

• Live tweet the entire thing. Tag a famous person in every tweet and act offended when they don’t promptly respond. Read every tweet aloud then ask everyone to check on their phones that the tweet sent. Giggle about every tweet you send.

• UPDATED for 2013: Accuse anyone rooting for the Niners of hating gay people and anyone rooting for the Ravens of being a murderer. Say you only root for the London Sillynannies because you aren’t a xenophobe.

Now, if this doesn’t seem to work you can always just try being a fan of Tim Tebow. That usually annoys people enough and is quite easy, assuming you have no moral compass or sense of goodness in the world.

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*This actually makes you the best person alive.