Tag Archives: CTA

The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus

13 Jan
SPLOOSH.

SPLOOSH.

Winter Quarter is upon us, fellow Wildcats, and with the temperature alternating daily between “Cold enough to cause penises everywhere to recede into body cavities” and “33 degrees,” odds are your roommates are gonna be spending a lot of time in the room. You know?

Obviously, the first thought that must strike you is “Yeah homie, this is seriously gonna hinder my ability to spank the monkey 15 times a day.” To which I would respond, Continue reading

5 Tips for Suburban Kids Pretending to be from Chicago

16 Sep

As someone who was born and raised in Chicago (what up?!), it boils my blood that kids from the near suburbs claim that they are “from Chicago.” Just own up to the fact you are from Berwyn or Joliet or wherever, so I don’t have to rot your soul with my dirty looks. However, in the spirit of camaraderie I apparently have to feel toward other freshmen, I must look past these things, so I want to give you kids from the near suburbs (Sorry, Bourbonnais, you’re too far to make the cut) some tips on pretending to be from Chicago proper.

Learn to hate the people who love this

Learn to hate the people who love this

Continue reading

The El at Night: A Poem

4 Jun

TRAIN(1)

Outside the Keg, I loosed a sigh,
The frigid air cut to my core.
“It should be spring,” I dared to cry,
“Still freezing cold! Chi-town! You whore!”

It was past one, a Friday night,
And dark as Tisdahl’s crumpled heart.
I felt my mind flood then with fright,
For I had quite a trek to start.

Though I had drank with all my boys
I had forgotten what I’d known.
For I lived North, At Sherman-Noyes,
And now, alas, I was alone.

I gazed upon the road ahead
Its passage paved with glacial air
And thought, “I would rather be dead,
Then walk the way from here to there.”

But dare I face the other choice?
A risky move at better times!
“Just call safe ride!” rang out a voice!
“Or Anything! Except the El!”

But I ignored that fateful call
And soon I found myself again,
Inside an almost empty hall
Of rattling steel, upon the train.

I say ‘almost’ for there was one
Who sat across the car from me.
He sat as silent as a nun,
His forehead resting on his knee.

“Only two stops,” I muttered then.
“Yes! Only two, and then I’m home.”
Oh hope, how you do toy with men!
Alas, if I had only known!

For as the train began to fly
And travel North, to bare me hence,
This other man, he met my eye
With such a glare to give offense.

And then he stood and turned, and sort
Of slowly, he began to stride
Along the aisle, stopping short
Of where I sat; of where I cried.

For I had seen a dreadful sight!
A sight most terrible and crude.
He was riding the El at night,
Completely and utterly nude!

At last the train came to a stop
At Foster: one stop short of mine.
I lept from my seat with a hop,
And found myself, at 1:09,

Back on the road, to walk the rest.
For I had seen a gruesome scene,
And I had learned that it is best,
To stagger home in moonlight’s gleam.

Remember this! Please hear my cries,
And save yourself a horrid fright.
That comes from seeing naked guys,
Who ride the el here, late at night!

The 7 Types of People You Meet on Chicago Public Transportation

24 Apr

7.  The costumed horror

It is impossible to frequently ride the El without running into someone wearing a costume that simply cannot be explained.  Whether it’s a group of young Asian men dressed as the Teletubbies or two middle-aged women dressed as salt and pepper shakers, every costumed horror will bring a mixture of confusion and awe to your CTA experience.  If you ride the CTA on Halloween night, you will see everything you never wanted to see and you will never be able to live your life as you once did.   Continue reading