50 Column Headlines You Wouldn’t be Surprised to See in The Daily

• 

  (via Twitter)

  Johnson: Cars Have Wheels

• Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter

• Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs

• Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without

• Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures

• Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems

• Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous

• Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World

• Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out

• Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus

• Johnson: For Theater Majors,

The Top 5 Species of CTECs

Welp, it’s getting to be about that time again. Just as you start to cram for finals and mentally prepare yourself for a few all-nighters, Northwestern decides to saddle you with your quarterly Course and Teacher Evaluations. (The second C stands for “Cooch”, or so my roommate tells me). So to use as you please, here are your top five formats to help you get through CTECs so you can start worrying about things that matter, like New Years plans.

5. The Pshhh

A Translated Northwestern CTEC Reminder Email

Dear Northwestern Student,

(Yeah you, you nameless, irrelevant $60,000 check)

Fall quarter classes are now available for evaluation. The CTEC site will remain open until 11:59 pm Sunday, December 15.

(You have three weeks to do this, but we’re emailing you about it now so you can start freaking out about how much you have to do before finals.)

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Pre-med

You will never, EVER, have enough time to date this man.

Congratulations on your acceptance to Weinberg College of Arts and Sceinces! It’s a magical place where humanities majors do whatever it is they do while premeds commiserate. If your parents are pressuring you into becoming a doctor you’re thinking about going pre-med, you sure as hell better study this guide before stepping foot into Chem 101.

DO go to office hours. That shit is helpful. Also, figure out a systematic way to study that works for you and your brain. It’s a process of trial and error, but once you figure it out you’ll be a rock star.

…that’s actually the only “Do” I can think of, because did I mention that I’m a Sherman Ave writer so I don’t have my shit together?

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Northwestern’s Inoperable Online Overlord, CAESAR

Look at me (this article.) Then look at Facebook. Now back. To me.

In the time it took you to switch pages, you would’ve been logged out of CAESAR, Northwestern’s all-purpose online tool for everything from bill payments to class signups and beyond.

I came, I saw, I dicked you over for registration.

5 things to do on Leap Day

You can count on one hand the number of things that occur once every four years: the election of American presidents and Leap Years. Probably some other stuff too, but who cares. Anyway, that means today is a cause for celebration. What’s the best way to recognize this holiday? Here’s how:

You’ll fit right in with Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III

1. Apply to be a Sherman Ave writer
Yes, yes, I know. CTECs are finally up for winter quarter, but lo and behold, I have an even better way for you to procrastinate on your Buddhist Psychology homework: join us! That’s right: for the second time ever, you can apply to work at the fourth greatest NU-centric blog ever created by Evander Jones! If you still need to be convinced (in which case, what?) check out these reasons. See you soon.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Academics

So apparently, Northwestern University is a pretty damn good school. But what should you do after you get in? Here at Sherman Ave, we have been painstakingly researching the answers to all the questions incoming freshman were always too afraid to ask, as well as the questions that we totally wished we had thought of before entering this bastion of academic integrity. Our first topic? How to navigate Northwestern’s sea of academic options to engineer the greatest education possible.