Imaginary Conversation with Cute Girl in Front Row Going Great

The girl in question, from your point-of-view. (via mwestsite.wordpress.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – According to multiple sources within your consciousness, the conversation you are currently imagining with that cute girl in the front row of your Econ 202 class is going really well, and you are coming off as uncharacteristically charming and witty. Throughout this hypothetical exchange, the female with approachable, sort of “girl next door” good looks is laughing at all of your jokes—as they are being delivered with impeccable comedic timing—and understands all of the obscure pop culture references. She has even probably watched and can quote lines from the entire Monty Python TV series, much to your pretend surprise.

The “down-to-earth” personality that you have invented for this girl—based largely off the fact that she is wearing Converses and has a Bon Iver sticker on her laptop—seems to be

How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

(via ibtimes.co.uk)

Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably

7 Pictures of Animals Acting Like Animals

1. This is a dog acting normal.

12 Adorable Baby Boys That Will Melt Your Heart

Infancy is a world of wonder. It’s full of curiosity, awe, discovery, imagination, hope, and new life. In a world that at times may seem harsh, jaded, cynical, and unimaginative, the smile of a newborn baby can be a breath of fresh air. For these reasons, we’ve compiled twelve photos of darling bouncing baby boys to brighten your day.

Look Cute This Season: 11 Fashion Tips for Winter in Evanston

Wear something practically identical to a sleeping bag.

Wow, it really compliments her figure!

Make sure to show that your school spirit doesn’t die along with everything else this winter.

Werq that wildcat walk ;). Don’t forget that tights under tights under jeans under sweatpants really accentuate those thigh muscles!

8 Adorable Kittens that are Members of the Westboro Baptist Church

So we all know kittens are super, duper cute. Nothing can change that – not even if the kittens in question are hyper-bigoted homophobes. Here are some kittens that will definitely make you say “it’s the 21^st century – it’s time to accept America as the great diverse nation it is!”

8 Pictures of Puppies That Make You Contemplate Your Mortality

Awwwww, just look at this pup embrace the sunset as we all will have to when the final light of our lives shines upon the world.

What a cute outfit! Doesn’t it just make you think about how embracing the cultural relics of our past will help us accept our own fading into history?

This fella doesn’t have a care in the world as he continues his downward journey with the sands of time that carry us to our ends!

Keg Week 2013: The Story of TKOE As Told By Gifs of Kittens

Once upon a time, there was a cat named Tom Migon.  He was an amazing and incredibly intelligent cat.

What a smart cat!

Tom Migon, instead of choosing a life of fame or fortune, chose to dedicate himself to a life of service.  He opened a charitable organization called The Keg of Evanston.  The Keg of Evanston was meant for cats who wanted to meet each other and have fun.  

Mexican Mondays, the predecessor to Keg Mondays.

World Cup: Alex Morgan in Bodypaint

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys. Alex Morgan posed without any clothing (NSFW-ish kinda maybe? Idk how much of a Tisdahl your boss is). All she has on is body paint. Please cancel the rest of your day immediately.

See, Alex Morgan is actually perfect. In addition to being a star women’s soccer player, adorable butterfly, and lovely human being, Alex is also my future wife. I expect she’ll propose to me NU-style on the medal stand at the London Olympics. After she wins all the gold medals.

Why Obama Makes Me Sad

Let me ask you a question. How many of the following have happened since Obama’s election?

1) World peace
2) End of racism/sexism/homophobia/animal cruelty
3) The whales are saved.
4) My dog is as badass as this.

He's killing pirates! What would Jack Sparrow say about that!?

So there we have it: our president, contrary to popular belief, is not a demigod. Oh damn. If there’s anything I dislike about Obama, it’s that his followers seemed to think that following his election, a perfect world would ensue. However, in a perfect world, Rick Perry would be dead and Katy Perry would be granted immortality. So quit slobbing on his knob, because he hasn’t really done much to move us in that direction.

Here’s my first beef with Obama: the guy’s voting record as a Senator basically screams “I Wanna Be President.” The Illinois senate records show that Obama has voted “present” on 130 motions, mostly on controversial issues. Voting “present” is essentially voting “meh,” as a lawmaker. You only say “meh” when you don’t have the energy or clarity to say “No, thank you, I have decided to disagree with the decision being decided.” In a parallel manner, voting “present” means a politician either doesn’t have an opinion or doesn’t want evidence that he has one, because opinions are usually offensive to someone. Having a solidified stance would mean he’d eventually lose voters, and again, the man has had his eyes on the Oval Office longer than Rebecca Black has been alive.

At least nobody has looked sexier while cutting prescription drug costs for medicare by 50%

Number two: Obama is from one of the most corrupt states in the nation. Did anyone question how the man whose record is as spotless as a baby’s ass* somehow gathered votes in the state that produced Blagojevich, Ryan, and the Daley dynasty? Just in case you’re not local, the Land of Lincoln hasn’t had much recent luck electing moral lawmakers. 6 of the last 9 governors are charged with white-collar corruption, and 4 of those were convicted and jailed for it. The most recent villain was caught attempting to ensure that his appointment for Senate seat had something in it for him. I’m not making wild accusations of corruption; I don’t think he’s Blago. I’m saying that Obama passed the healthcare bill like a true Illinois politician: buying the holdout votes with “There’s something in it for you, Nevada and Florida!” Washington, meet pay-to-play politics.

Here’s an excerpt from a recent Facebook status reposted by a friend of mine: “Things my president has done: Got Osama…check. Same wife for 15 years with no extramarital affairs….check. Only active President to receive Nobel Peace Prize while in office…check.” There are several things wrong with this, other than the obvious “please stop drooling and engage your mental cavity.” The first: don’t give him credit for finding Osama. OUR TROOPS DID. Give him credit for the things he’s done — getting minorities out there voting, repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and buying us a healthcare bill we didn’t want while teaching the country how Illinois does legislation.

But wait, there’s more: he can stay married! Without cheating! Give the man a prize! Speaking of prizes: I should really be past this by now. But Nobel Peace prize????? Didn’t old people use to have to DO shit for that????**

Not even comparable.

And to close: though I enjoy Al Green as much as the next person, I don’t give a rat’s ass if our president is “cute.” I want a president with a pair of balls*** and a goddamn voting record. Preferably the latter. Til then, I’m gonna hold this vote. If I want to interact with a cute older man, I will seek out Liam Neeson and Frank Sinatra. Frankie has a better voice, anyways.

Here’s to bipartisanship.

Brother Jürgen, please say you’ll still love me?

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*Please ponder that metaphor. It was intentional.
**Also, congratulations to the original author of this quote for seriously qualified statements. “Only President to win Nobel Prize? Damn, there were four of those. Only President to do it while in office? Damn, that was three of them! Only President alive who’s won it? Fucking Jimmy Carter! Alright- he’s the only president we have RIGHT NOW who won the Nobel Peace Prize!”
***or, as a forwarded email from my mother instructed, “Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.”

Special thanks to Blake Wilson, whose Facebook feedback comparing Sherman Ave to the gastrointestinal contents at the end of the Human Centipede struck the perfect balance between offensive and motivating. Blake, don’t off yourself because of internet shenanigans; we’re still mourning Phoebe Black.