The Daily Northwestern’s First Online Posts Will Make You LOL

The Daily Northwestern is known as the primary news source of the student population of Chicago’s Big Ten Team. For every fucksaw, race forum and football game lost in the last minutes of the fourth quarter, the Daily Northwestern time and time again is the first one of the first sites visited by truth-thirsty college students. Thanks to a tip from the Infinite Guest, we have some awesome throwback articles from when the Daily first got online.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Everything Else

Deering Forum

So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!

Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.

Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends

I see 2,000 future friends

One of the best aspects of the college experience is how many fascinating people you meet and subsequently engage in raucous shenanigans with. A good collection of bffles can be an essential asset in all of the tasks that you will face during your freshman year, from drunkenly yelling at buoys in Lake Michigan to figuring out how to torrent The Lion King 1 1/2 without getting caught.

At first, making friends with complete strangers in a strange, strange land replete with fraternities, an all-night Burger King, and theater students can seem like a frightening challenge. But that’s no cause for alarm. Everybody is in the same boat as you, and upon completion of your freshman year you will be astounded by how many cool friends you have made and how many mysterious names still remain in your phone’s contacts — the forgotten identities of all your over-eager peers who decided to try and befriend you due to your proximity to one another at March through the Arch. Just remember that friendships grow organically and cannot be forced, unless, of course, you follow our sage wisdom on how to meet new friends.

For Whom the Fucksaw Drilldos

It is oddly refreshing to not have to hyperbolize a situation in order to bring out its humor. The recent events surrounding Professor John Michael Bailey, his Human Sexuality course, and one high-powered sex toy has become a comedic gift that keeps on giving.

More sex-machine than sex-toy

Thanks to the Daily Northwestern’s article published last Tuesday, the incident, which occurred on February 21st, has once more thrust Northwestern University into the national spotlight.

The optional presentation last Monday, attended by about 120 students, featured a naked non-student woman being repeatedly sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm by the sex toy, referred to as a “fucksaw.” The device is essentially a motorized phallus.

The presentation on kink and fetish was one of numerous optional after-lecture sessions in Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, which repeatedly penetrates the depths of human sexuality in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of the human condition. In an attempt to prove that the female orgasm was a real phenomenon (a worthy goal, considering that no woman has ever experienced a true orgasm until she spends a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Sherman Ave resident sexpert Norman Stein), the presenters Jim Marcus, Faith Kroll, and Ken Melvoin-Berg did what any reasonable human being would do in the situation:

Marcus pulled out a mechanized power tool with a dildo in place of the saw, and began going to town on his naked fiance Kroll in front of about 120 psych students, all while Melvoin-Berg loudly narrated into the microphone. Friend of the Ave Sean Lavery, who witnessed the event, said, “It shocked me. Immediately I got on Facebook. Like, wow, there’s a girl being penetrated right in front of me.” Lucky Sean.

Jim Marcus and Faith Kroll, presumably after a routine fucksawing

Ever since the Daily Northwestern published its article about the incident, the national news media has gotten more stirred up about it than a roomful of randy archaeologists watching pterodactyl porn (Google it if you must. We’ve ruffled too many feathers to worry about linking to porn on this website as well). While local reporters swarmed into Evanston, national publications like Newsweek, Gawker, Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, and even the BBC ran articles about the demonstration in Bailey’s class. Not bad for a school whose past national scandals include drunk undergrads yelling at bible-thumpers about bl**jobs, blackface Halloween parties, and Chet Haze.

According to Professor Bailey,

“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but watching naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you.”

Watching naked people on stage might not hurt you, but getting fired sure can

He may not rhyme, he might claim that transgender men are driven by erotic fascination rather than biological desire, and he did allow for a woman to be repeatedly penetrated by a fucksaw on the same stage that Professor Morson uses for to lecture on Tolstoy and that multiple performance groups use for shows. But he never crossed a line, although he did walk right up the line and shake his ridiculous motorized sex toy at it. In a class devoted to educating students on the whole spectrum of human sex, how can an optional post-lecture session that is no less graphic than certain visual components of Bailey’s class be viewed as harmful?

Still, it’s pretty hilarious that a chick got drilldo’d live on stage.

Sherman Ave’s One Month Anniversary!

Unfortunately, stripper cake not included.

It is with immense satisfaction and joy that we announce the one month anniversary of the venerably estimable, nay TOTALLY KICKASS, website Sherman Ave! Ever since our first post (a review of the latest single from hip-hop duo Alpha Delta, which helped launch the group into international popularity) was first published around 5 in the morning on January 25th, it has been our proud duty and pleasure to provide our readers with only the highest quality of reporting on the culture and shenanigans of the Evanston and Chicagoland area. We thank you, our loyal readers, for making us who we are today: the 4th most reviled news source on campus.

In blog years, one month is approximately 18 human years. Therefore, we have decided to celebrate our one month anniversary in typical teenage fashion. First comes the traditional bickering with parents. In a display of our need to exert our own individualism and adolescent rage at our nurturing and well-intentioned parents, our relationship with North by Northwestern and The Daily Northwestern will slowly devolve into incessant shouting matches, until we eventually storm out and get a regrettable lower back tattoo after falling into the dangerous “blog crowd.” After our familial situation deteriorates, there won’t be anybody or anything stopping us from the self-destructive behavior most young blogs experience when first stepping out on their own.

Not that certain Sherman Ave editors can name all 195 countries thanks to sporcle, or anything...

The next step in our celebration of our one month anniversary is the common teenage phenomenon of dangerous abuse of alcohol and other drugs. After being peer-to-peer-pressured by the “cool” websites like Gawker or Facebook, we’ll try and distance ourselves from our once dear, but now hopelessly lame, website-friends like Sporcle or Stumbleupon by drinking obscene amounts of liquor. This will unfortunately lead to the alienation of many of our closest friends, including Her Campus after a particular poor attempt to hit on our secret blog crush, and maybe even the loss of our bloginity to the interweb tramp CollegeACB.

Where would this man be without us!?

Teenage angst asides, looking back on this past month, we feel that our humble blog has accomplished a hell of a lot. A positive write-up from our venerable website can do wonders for a career, and we’ve broke some of the hottest celebrities over the past month. Hip hop duo Alpha Delta never would have exploded onto the national scene without our glowing review, and it is doubtful that American pop culture ever would have experienced the impact of Kanye’s “All of the Lights” video without the attention it garnered on our humble pages. We have also transformed President Schapiro from a little-known college president to a dearly beloved demigod, all thanks to our extensive profile of the living legend himself.

But our influence extends much further than mere pop culture. We have fought endlessly against the repressive Evanston government, eventually ending the evil Brothel Law, decriminalizing bowling and skipping, and working endlessly to slowly return fun, happiness, and joy to the northern suburbs. Politically, we have covertly aided Rahm Emanuel’s miraculous election against all odds (although we can neither confirm nor deny suspicions that we are also the authors of the @MayorEmanuel twitter feed), toppled repressive governments throughout the Middle East (and American Midwest) with our flaming rhetoric, all but insured a Palin/Bachmann victory in 2012, and wielded more influence over the Willard Exec Board elections than a power-hungry and depraved CA exerts over innocent and amiable freshman.

What is most important to remember, however, is that for the past month, we have selflessly shared our profound wisdom and taste for the Chicago area, free of charge. We shudder to think of where we would be as a society had wearing tights as pants gone out of fashion, or if the term “Tagalongs” became the accepted name for the impeccably American “Peanut Butter Patty.” Without us, women might never have left the kitchen to edit Wikipedia, Americans would still remain woefully ignorant of the rising phenomenon of Wombinations, and nobody would know the extent of how freaking hilarious Chenny Ng is.

Prepare yourselves, and let Sherman Ave take you there

But there is still so much more left to do! As the hottest blog in the 60201 zipcode for a month running, we take our duty to our readers quite seriously. Expect to be inundated with even more killer satire, features, and reviews. We also intend to completely infiltrate ASG by next quarter, establish a secret society that practices voodoo sexual rites in the steam tunnels, and maybe even one day Stumbleupon ourselves during Econ lecture. These are high goals to set for ourselves, but after one month of raging success, we feel like now’s the time to ratchet up our game to the next level. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll even post regularly!? Only time will tell.