Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

50 Column Headlines You Wouldn’t be Surprised to See in The Daily

• 

  (via Twitter)

  Johnson: Cars Have Wheels

• Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter

• Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs

• Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without

• Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures

• Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems

• Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous

• Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World

• Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out

• Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus

• Johnson: For Theater Majors,

18 “DM” Alternatives

(via Vimeo)

Dance Marathon.  If you’re reading this, you’re not doing it.*  Welcome to the eerily apocalyptic Northwestern campus mid-DM.  The only difference is that the people who constantly update their profile pictures and statuses are the ones who are gone, and as long as you don’t check Instagram you won’t see the stream of sweat and grime – until the Facebook albums go up.  Not doing DM is great because all the people you don’t like on campus are in one big tent for a whole day, and you just get to run around!

I have faith in you, charity-less Ave readers.  So our R&D team here came up with some alternative DMs for you to do over the next day instead:

Drunk Marathon – See here.

Derive Math – For the engineers/smarties out there, now’s the time to really see if Newton had his shit figured out.  I also highly recommend looking into the Lagrange Multiplier Theory, a personal favorite.

Do Mushrooms –

Dance Marathon Participant Has Common Cold; All to be Infected

(via Vimeo)

EVANSTON, IL – Weinberg freshman Stephen Linder has the common cold and will infect all participants in Northwestern’s Dance Marathon, which begins tonight. Linder has a sore throat and a runny nose, and everyone trapped inside the tent outside of Norris for 30 hours will eventually experience the same symptoms.

“Oh, boy, it’s going to be spreading like the plague in there,” said Tim McGuilicutty, MD Vice President for Medical Affairs at the Feinberg School of Medicine. Experts have confirmed that Linder will wipe his nose and then hi-five his friend, starting an uncontrollable transmission of disease that will reach every single dancer.

Officials confirmed that as they hit the second three-hour time block, dancers will begin to sniffle. By the fourth, they’ll have headaches; and by the tenth, they’ll be coughing violently.

“It’s going to be a cesspool of sweaty germs rubbing up against each other, like a human-sized petri dish,” said McGuilicutty.

To avoid infection, officials suggest not dancing. On a more positive note, doctors don’t expect to see any Saturday Night Fever during DM.

If Holden Caulfield Did Dance Marathon

King of the phony-haters. (via Wikipedia)

IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is why I decided to do Dance Marathon, how I got to Northwestern, and what the lousy Subway sandwich I ate right before Block 1 started was like, and all that Morty Schapiro kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, because, in the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, I’ve been up for about forty hours straight and I feel like hell, like absolute hell.  I’m not kidding.

Where I want to start telling is the moment I walked into Norris, which is this old crumby building that’s by this goddamn lake, which is right next to an even bigger goddamn lake.  I felt kind of cold, so I decided to put on my red hunting hat, because I get cold really easy.  It’s true.  I’m seventeen goddamn years old, and I get the shivers and aches and goddamn pneumonia every goddamn month, for chrissake.

Anyway, they took us to this room and all, and all of these kids – and this just killed me –

Zero Dark Thirty: A Guide Because You’ve Literally Raised Zero Dollars for DM

You definitely didn’t mean for this to make it to this point. But this is what you get for pretending to be a good person and signing up for Dance Marathon. You “just got really swamped over the past couple of months,” and here you are, staring helplessly at your own, sad fundraising page that no one has visited. But fear not! DM is just like any massive paper you can tackle the night before (I actually have no idea, this is the first time I’ve done this. This is just how I envision my next few days going. Ha!). Here are the steps to follow:

The first and only dollar raised after six fucking hours of canning. (via http://zonathon.wordpress.com/wildcats/fundraising/)

1) Swallow your pride and post a link to your fundraising page on your Facebook–I know, I know, it’s desperate. But you have to start somewhere. Most people did this in October. Posting it on your Facebook will

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

5 Reasons You Should Do DM

It’s pretty damn hard to walk around campus anymore without being attacked by an army of bright eyed students yelling at me telling me to do DM.

Oh, if only they knew.

Of course I’ll do DM.  DM is an important part of student life.  I might even dare to say it’s one of the best things that we do here at Northwestern.  But when I say DM, I’m not referring to the DM with dancing.  Real DM.  Drunk Marathon.  Ten glorious three hour blocks of being drunk, one right after the other, each themed with a different type of alcohol or aspect of drunkenness.  30 hours out of normal everyday life turned into a vivacious, glorious, shitshow.  So why should you do DM?  Well, even though it’s kind of dangerous,[i] there are still plenty of reasons to do it.  Here are a few of them.

The 25 (non-Football) Sports Wildcats Do Best

It’s okay, guys. We have other talents! Like these 25 sports, for example: