Tag Archives: Dance Marathon

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Demetri Elias

24 Sep

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!


Packingham: How do you spell your last name?

Demetri: E-L-I-A-S. Elias.

Packingham: Okay, and how do you spell your mother’s maiden name?

Demetri: Pravata. P-R-A-V-A-T-A.

Packingham: And what are you studying?

Demetri: Archaeology and history major and I have a classical studies minor.

Packingham: When did you discover your passion for classical studies?

Demetri: Well, I’ve always wanted to do history, ever since lower school, I’ve really just enjoyed history as a subject. But then I took a gap year and I traveled and I was doing community service for a year and it was awesome. I went all around, it was a super cool experience, I was like coaching soccer in Ghana, I was in Greece working with sea turtles living on the beach, I was outside a lot and doing a lot of hands-on work, and I realized I wanted some sort of job that I could be outside with, so that’s where archaeology came in the picture. Because I wanted to do something historical but be outside and hands-on. And then classics, a lot of distros come from the classics department.

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Four Northwestern-Themed Sharknado Sequels That Need To Be Made

19 Jul

Last week, Internet informed me of a great documentary called “Sharknado” about what happens when sharks have sex with tornadoes. Now I think it’s time that we brought the matter a little closer to home and started developing a few Northwestern-themed Sharknado sequels. So yes, Continue reading

DM Announces Team Jacob As 2014 Beneficiary

24 May
DM officials declined to comment on whether the fact that EVERYONE JUST GOT PREGNANT FROM THIS would impact the event.

DM officials declined to comment on whether the fact that EVERYONE JUST GOT PREGNANT FROM THIS would impact the event.

EVANSTON– Northwestern University Dance Marathon announced Thursday that Team Jacob, an organization dedicated to finding a cure for Robert Pattinson’s charming good looks, would be the the event’s primary beneficiary in 2014.

“We’ve come so far in the fight for Jacob,” DM representative Autumn Franklins said. “And we think this is a cause that the entire Northwestern and werewolf communities can really rally around.”  Continue reading

A Comprehensive Timeline of DM Emotions

10 Mar


A couple things that I had working against me going into DM: I slept like 4 hours a night the week before, and I had 5 cups of coffee the day of (yes I KNOW that you weren’t supposed to do that). I’m also so caffeine dependent that I might as well just take it intravenously at this point. So, like, dsklgjsiojklcxmv nerjeoijwsak. I am one tired motherfucker.

Block 1: I look around the tent. 30 hours in this bad boy. The feeling of “what the fuck have I gotten myself into god I really hate myself sometimes” comes on with the ferocity of an orgo midterm. The music starts. I bob my head with tepid enthusiasm. I should probably conserve energy. After all, it’s 30 fucking hours. I dance awkwardly. I realize that I’m not used to dancing in situations other than The Keg. I hate myself. It’s been 30 minutes. I have completely exhausted all of my dance moves. Ooh snack time! “All dancers with nut allergies please exit the tent.” Awkward, that’s me. They start playing music that people can get into (MY LIFE. WOULD SUCK. WITHOUUUUUT YOUUUUU) and this DM thing is kind of fun.

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Mayor Tisdahl Appalled as Students Make Money by Dancing on Weekends

10 Mar

Mayor Tisdahl, trying to persuade the Evanston City Council to shut down Northwestern.

EVANSTON – Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl expressed in a press conference this morning that she was “utterly shocked” to learn that over 1,000 Northwestern students earned money by dancing this weekend.

“I mean, I know that they’re just naive kids who like engaging in de–debauchery,” said the mayor.  “But dancing for money?  Come on now.  That’s just embarrassing to the university, and more importantly, this town.”

“Much more importantly,” muttered Mayor Tisdahl under her breath.

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Incompetent Student Joins 90-Minute Club

8 Mar

EVANSTON – Sources report that McCormick freshman Aaron Butler proudly joined the famed “90-Minute Club” earlier this evening after experiencing a bout of uncontrollable vomiting, defecation, and sneezing that forced him to drop out of Dance Marathon after a mere hour and a half of dancing.

Butler beamed fervently as he recounted the incident that led to his ejection from the DM tent, starting with a hefty late lunch at Edzo’s Burger Shop only 3 hours before Dance Marathon began.  Butler cited this as the catalyst for not only the “mad case of the runs,” but also the “jetstream of wretch” that bystanders estimated at a velocity of 15 miles an hour. Continue reading

Report: Nap Marathon to counter Dance Marathon

8 Mar
"Nap City" by Tyga will reportedly be the theme song of this year's NM.

“Nap City” by Tyga will reportedly be the theme song of this year’s NM.

EVANSTON—Students in Northwestern’s Bobb-McCulloch Residence Hall have formulated plans to engage in a 30-hour Nap Marathon while the rest of the student body toils away at Dance Marathon, according to sources with knowledge of the situation.

The plan for Nap Marathon reportedly was devised Friday morning when all of Bobb woke up in a condition described as “hungover as fuck.”

“We were awakened by some chick on Dancer Relations running through the hall yelling how excited she was,” said a Weinberg sophomore who was granted anonymity to speak candidly about NM’s motivations. “That’s when we realized that we liked sleeping more than helping children with epilepsy.” Continue reading

Confused Persian Army Shows Up For Dance Marathon

6 Mar
Darius, adding some personal flair to the 30-hour dance.

Darius, adding some personal flair to the 30-hour dance.

EVANSTON – 600 triremes arrived on the shores of Lake Michigan earlier today, carrying 200,000 noticeably disoriented Persian soldiers fit for battle.

Darius the Great, who leads the army, has yearned to subjugate the Greek mainland since crushing the Ionian Revolt in 494 BC.  Upon landing his personal trireme on South Beach at approximately 2:25 this afternoon, he confidently stepped off his vessel and commanded his massive army to set up camp.

“This is where we shall go to war!” he shouted to his soldiers in his native tongue of Elamite.  “The Athenian swine shall shed their blood here, and we shall claims their lands as ours!  We shall rape their women and burn their houses!”

After attempting to inspire his men with visions of grandeur and bellicosity, Darius reportedly took a moment to survey his surroundings. Continue reading

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

21 Feb
Sometimes, one PBR just isn't enough for a night in the stacks.

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

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Do you love us now, Evanston?

6 Mar

Evanston, you love us even less than our father who's still disappointed we never got accepted to Yale.

Well, we did it. We raised over $1.1 million at Dance Marathon this past weekend for a charity benefitting efforts against childhood cancer and for the Evanston Community Foundation. We reached our goal and lots of people have told us we did really well. So, the question now is: Are you proud of us, Evanston? Do you love us now?

Because that’s what this is really all about. We know we’ve disappointed you before. We get it. But we’re just trying our best. We just want you to love us. We just want you to be proud of us.

We got the message loud and clear last year. We disappointed you — once again — with all that blowjob hollering. We heard you. We stopped. But did that make you love us? No. You let us know we could still never measure up.

But we kept trying. You told us you didn’t like what we did on Monday nights, so we stood by as you took away our collective mental health break. Headed to the library instead. But did that make you love us? No, we still saw that look of bitter disappointment in your eyes every time we passed you. It’s like our eighth birthday party all over again. You know, the one where we sat by the cake all day waiting for you to get home so we could blow out the candles? The one where you didn’t get back till 11pm and told us to stop whining and that birthdays don’t mean anything? Of course you don’t remember. You never cared.

Well finally maybe we’ve done something that could make you proud. We raised over a million, Evanston! Again! And we’re giving some of it to you! Do you love us now? Will you tell us we make you proud now? When you meet up with Chicago and Lake Forest will you stop saying that you “don’t have a college?”

No? Ok. We shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up. You’re right, we’re worthless. We’ll never be half the community you are. We’ll just slink back to our dorms and probably cry. A lot. Again. Hey, anyone have any Skol?