25 Things You’ll See at the Sherman Ave Fundrager Tonight

1. Drinking.
2. Partying.
3. People dancing.
4. People kissing.
5. A long line to the bathroom.
6. A group of guys creating a bong using a blender, a piece of string, and a lead pencil.
7. A twerk/salsa dance fusion contest that evolved into an impromptu slam poetry reading.
8. Two grown men getting into a fist fight over Orange Is the New Black’s season finale while Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive played in the background.
9. The return of The Zodiac Killer.
10. A young stripper named Pizza Dough showing up to what she thought was her American Idol audition.
11. Chief Keef showing up to rap battle with his own shadow.
12. A one man show reenacting D-Day by a Theatre major conflicted about double majoring in Political Science.
13. A game of slap cup involving a Russian Ouija board and a toilet seat moist with condensation.
14. The filming of a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street 2: The Wolf Pack is Back (in Action).
15. Chief Keef murdering his shadow and tattooing a tear drop onto his face.
16. Pitbull’s son, Three-Legged Golden Retriever, DJing for twenty minutes before having to leave to take his insulin.
17. Whitney Houston’s ghost’s final concert.
18. Sherman Ave thwarting the rise of the Confederacy for the third time this year.
19. Someone calling the police to report the murder of Chief Keef’s shadow.
20. An orgy involving 10 restless hand puppets.
21. Girls snorting Malaysian birth control off a bathroom sink.
22. Lonely morphine drips looking for hands to hold.
23. Slip n’ Slides made slippery by an industrial sized tube of Carmex cherry lip balm.
24. A cooler of jungle juice doubling as a portal to the world of Jumanji.
25. A damn good time.

Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Dance Marathon Participant Has Common Cold; All to be Infected

(via Vimeo)

EVANSTON, IL – Weinberg freshman Stephen Linder has the common cold and will infect all participants in Northwestern’s Dance Marathon, which begins tonight. Linder has a sore throat and a runny nose, and everyone trapped inside the tent outside of Norris for 30 hours will eventually experience the same symptoms.

“Oh, boy, it’s going to be spreading like the plague in there,” said Tim McGuilicutty, MD Vice President for Medical Affairs at the Feinberg School of Medicine. Experts have confirmed that Linder will wipe his nose and then hi-five his friend, starting an uncontrollable transmission of disease that will reach every single dancer.

Officials confirmed that as they hit the second three-hour time block, dancers will begin to sniffle. By the fourth, they’ll have headaches; and by the tenth, they’ll be coughing violently.

“It’s going to be a cesspool of sweaty germs rubbing up against each other, like a human-sized petri dish,” said McGuilicutty.

To avoid infection, officials suggest not dancing. On a more positive note, doctors don’t expect to see any Saturday Night Fever during DM.

When in Cuba, Try Not to Make an Ass of Yourself

Where Pintos are almost as rampant as cigars and political repression.

In lieu of  the ”OH EHM GEE you guys look at all these pictures of my summer abroad, oh my gawd I’m having the most incredible adventure”  Facebook album, I’ve opted to express my feelings on Cuba, a truly beautiful country, through a more heinous medium (wait let’s be honest I’m still posting Facebook pictures. The only reason there aren’t more is that the internet is slow as balls).

Cuba is incredible and different from anywhere I’ve ever been. I learned a shit-ton in five weeks, but I’m still very much an outsider. But my Spanish is better and I have an increased penchant for rum. My salsa moves, however, are still a work in progress. The hope is that after three more weeks I’ll look less like an epileptic chicken.

Scantily-Endowed Student Has Difficulty Dancing to “Bubble Butt”

Usher’s her jam.

PALM BEACH–22-year-old Abby Palumbo is experiencing considerable difficulty dancing to Major Lazer’s recent single “Bubble Butt,” according to witness reports trickling in at 8:00 PM tonight. The beautiful and somewhat gangly Communications major says her awkwardness in executing the song’s demands is directly related to her body type’s incompatibility with the subject matter.

“I can do the ‘turn around’ part,” sighed Palumbo. But everything else…it’s like “My Humps” all over again.  I’ll be at the bar waiting for “Shorty Got Low,” I guess.”

Things To Not Hate: Bruno Mars’ Righteous New Music Video

Mars apparently filled out the rest of his band by hiring stand-ins from Miami Vice

Do you often feel that music videos nowadays are just a lot of pomp n’ flash?  Do you miss the down-home vibe of the days when music videos were just being discovered/invented?  Do you like dancing?

Bruno Mars feels you.  Feels you hard.  Check out this music video for his latest single, “Treasure.”

A few things worth noting while you watch:

1.     Everyone in this video is a professional dancer.  Except that one guy behind Bruno not even holding an instrument.  That dude’s dancing in this pro bono.

2.     Bruno Mars real name is Peter Hernandez.  Really.

3.     People were leaning towards blue, but ended up deciding that red would be the dopest color to wear.

4.     They originally rented a couple Canon 5Ds to film this pup, then got to the studio and realized it came with shitty lo-fi cameras leftover from its new-channel days.  They decided to go with these. #yolo

5.     This was new to the make-up artists, whose efforts were rendered pretty much negligible thanks to the non-HD tech.

6.     A different video involving pirates and/or wordplay involving “treasure” could have been equally cool.

7.     Asked about the choice to film in an aspect ratio different from all other videos currently out on YouTube, thereby forever attaching black vertical bars to either side of the film, Director Cameron Duddy said, “Oh…fuck…”

8.     At first it felt like a #sausagefest, but everyone agreed afterwards that they eventually got into the groove and didn’t even notice that there weren’t any ladies except the one that only Bruno gets to talk to.

Hey, we heard you were a Wildcat: More Evidence NU Rocks

As evidenced by the video above, the lakefill is shining, Core is hopping, and Morty Schapiro is grinding down Groovy Street. Oh, it’s just another day at Northwestern.

So to the class of 2012: Way to go. Try not to miss us too much, and good luck in Realworldland. Class of 2016: better start lacing up your down-with-bad-self shoes. And if you don’t own any, it’s time to make that purchase.

Go Cats!

Thanks to all the beautiful ‘cats that let me film them at their wildest, including Boomshaka, fellow ShermanAviators, a certain CA, Carlejandro, Dami, Sarah, Shepard 4th floor, the two lovely and spontaneous strangers in Core at 3 AM, and (of course) Morty Schapiro.

Eight Statements You Should Never Make

Want to know how to make yourself look slightly ignorant? Here are several ideas you may insert into one of many orifices you find difficult to clean in the shower.

“I really hate the taste of aspartame.”
No, you hate the thought of aspartame. Your body is wired to like sweet things, but your mind knows that you are consuming Franken-sugar. In the immortal words of Very Mary-Kate: “You know how you can’t eat meat anymore once you know where meat comes from?” That’s you, Ms. “I Won’t Eat It If It’s Not Organic, Leafy, And Hasn’t Touched An Animal With A 39½ Foot Pole.” Congrats on your mental victory; I’m slightly jealous and mostly derisive.

Special mention to anyone who says they hate chocolate without a valid excuse. You’re either lying or there’s something wrong with you.

Dawg, Mozart's "Requiem" is my jam

“If you play Mozart to babies they’ll be smarter.”
If you had done your goddamn research, you’d realize that this is actually an extreme extrapolation by the media off of a 1993 cognition study where researchers measured the effects of sound on spatio-temporal reasoning. They played music (which HAPPENED to be Mozart) to Group 1 for ten minutes, a “relaxation tape” to Group 2 for ten minutes, and complete silence to Group 3 for ten minutes, then immediately gave them some mind puzzles. The ones who’d been listening to music did better.

The finding had nothing to do with Mozart; scientists have reproduced this study with other music. The finding was because Groups 1 and 2 weren’t bored as hell listening to rainforest noises or their own borborygmi for a period of time in which they could’ve Sporcled every 90’s song ever written at least three times. It was a temporary effect on a specific type of reasoning and it wasn’t caused by Mozart. But listening to music before you start your next 2,000,000-piece puzzle may help you for ten minutes afterwards.* Now put down the Baby Mozart tapes, they’re not going to give your kid a Flowers-For-Algernon IQ boost. C’mon, we all know that most of us Bienen kids can’t count past four. But you should still check out Schubert.

“I’m so fat.”
Unlike the rest of this list, this one could be true. But regardless of the statement’s verity, rarely does the speaker believe it. No further explanation, y’all know what I mean. I have a secret fantasy of giving a silent staredown to every kumquat of every size that ever regales me with this phrase. I will watch their faces as they realize I refuse to bite on their compliment-fishing line. Unfortunately, having a guilt complex blows.

“Girls don’t fart.”
Welcome to 2012, where vaginas don’t preclude one from anal salutations. Ellie K can flatulate with the best of you bean-gobbling fools.

“I’m fuckin’ awesome.”
If I didn’t notice, you shouldn’t have to tell me.

She's not wearing anything under that... thing

“Fashion is about sex.”- Vivienne Westwood.
Thank you, Sigmund Freud.

First off, raise your hand if you possess a penis and give a flying fuck about fashion. It’s normal to ask yourself in the morning if you look like you might smell. But fashion extremists feel a level of consternation at the question of whether it’s still “in” to leave open the bottom button of your blazer. Now, if your hand is in the air, you’re either in the minority or in the process of dancing.

And now ladies (and gay men), when have you ever gotten dressed in the morning with the burning desire that an attractive manly man will seize you in a frenzied passion after noticing that you’ve matched your hat to your belt buckle? Yeah, me neither. Most men don’t give a damn if you’re wearing Lilly Pulitzer or pajama bottoms or a pillowcase with sequins if you’re their type and DTF. If fashion and sex are related, they are third cousins twice removed. Case closed.

“The Sodomites in the Bible were punished because they were gay.”
Not exactly. Summary of the story:

According to the Bible, Sodom and Gomorrah were two cities known for being full of motherfuckers. Not the kind you find in New York — we’re talking rape in the name of shits n’ giggles. In Sodom, it was illegal to help strangers, which pretty much goes against everything that real, love-thy-neighbor Christians believe. So God sent some angels to walk around town, and a man named Lot, being the generous guy he was, offered them his home so they didn’t have to sleep outside in the dangerous city. The Sour Motherfuckers in the city got wind that there were strangers in town, surrounded Lot’s house, and told Lot to send them out so they could rape them.** That is agreed upon in two separate passages of the Bible. The Sodomites’ sin, according to Everything About Sodom In The Bible, wasn’t homosexuality, it was a lack of goodwill towards strangers. Does anyone see the irony in the citation of these passages by those hoping to exclude gays from everything under the sun?

“Sherman Avenue isn’t heinous.”
I will see to it that you die painfully, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction.

Because, see, I can do that.

“The heinous behind us and the heinous before us are tiny matters compared to the heinous within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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*Warning: You should not rely on a Mozart-induced spatio-temporal IQ burst to save you from a two million piece puzzle.
**There’s a bit where Lot’s like, “You could rape my virgin daughter or my concubine instead of these dudes I just met, because apparently it’s okay not to respect women, my family, or women in my family.” Conflicting accounts in Judges and Genesis then say that either the Sodomites raped the hell out of his poor concubine, or the angels in the house blinded the offending Sodomites before anyone got raped and warned Lot to skip town.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Hooking Up

That girl from your Intro to Microeconomics discussion section won't ever stand a chance

We all want action, but few know of a sure-fire way to find it. At college, the ability to suavely convince a random hottie to engage in romantic activities with scant emotional attachment involved can be an extraordinarily difficult, yet exceptionally valuable, skill to hone. Like snowflakes or the Kardashians, no two hookups are alike, from random slampieces to that one girl you’ve been lurking ever since the March through the Arch, so it’s important to be a paragon of subtlety while working your moves. Here at Sherman Ave, we are pretentious enough to think that we’ve seen it all when it comes to romance, and have compiled a fast and easy guide on how to get with that fast and easy special someone.