The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

Mayfest to Students: “June Fool’s!”

No comment

EVANSTON – Representatives from Mayfest have announced that there is in fact no headliner for this year’s Dillo Day. The student group’s explanation, detailed in a statement released this morning, admitted that the Dillo headliner was all part of a “June Fool’s” prank.

“Haha! We totally got you!  Suckers!” Mayfest posted this evening on their official webpage.  “This was totally planned the whole time, duh!  We got you guys goooooooooood.”

An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day

What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Dear Asshats,

As you’re no doubt aware, and we know you’re no doubt aware because you’ve been counting down every frickin’ minute since last June, Northwestern’s Mayfest is at the end of this week. Dildo day or whatever the eff. Haha Dildo. See what I did there? Said a dirty word. High five, Carl.

Now I know that you think this is the one day of the year where there’s an understanding between us and… you people… regarding the consumption of the devil’s water and the shouting of the word ‘blowjob.’ Like somehow we’ll be ok with you crossing Sheridan Road into out territory.

We’ve killed people for less.

The 5 Artists Most Likely to Fill the Final Two Dillo Day Slots

As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts?  With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates.  After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots.  In no particular order:

“Daft Punk has a new album coming out? I didn’t know that!” – Nobody

1. Daft Punk
With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17^th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois?  Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America.  Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki.  Speaking of which…

SHAPE to Give Presentation on How To Not Give Forced Blowjob to Danny Brown

We all know exactly what this face means.

EVANSTON – In response to Mayfest bringing rapper Danny Brown to Dillo Day, Sexual Health and Peer Educators announced today that they are offering a 45-minute presentation the preceding day to discourage students from jumping on stage and shoving Danny Brown’s dick in their mouths without his explicit consent.