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Tag Archives: Dante

The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Virgil-Static-Shock

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss. Continue reading

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Maroon 5: The Ultimate Orgasm Enabler

5 Jul

This band is determined to sex you up at least seven different way from Sunday

Thursday, June 30th seemed like such a normal day. I woke up with a digestive system full of well-fermented anguish, after hours of dreaming about talking yaks. I proceeded to head to my workplace – the inspiration for Dante’s Divine Comedy – and by the time the late afternoon rolled around, I had nothing to anticipate for the evening other than a ham and turkey sandwich and several hours of internet stalking. It was then, at this point of despair, that I received a call from a friend – a call that would change my life. It consisted of two questions:

Friend: “Are you busy tonight?”

Me: “Well, not unless getting my time for Sporcle’s “Capitals of the World” quiz below 4 minutes somehow qualifies as busy. Why?”

Friend: Do you want to come to the Maroon 5 concert with me?

Me: [3 to 5 minutes of unfiltered expletives]

So there it was. My average evening of memorizing the hometowns of everyone in the Northwestern University Class of 2015 Facebook group had suddenly turned into what I knew would be a night more than worthy of a Sherman Ave review.

In a word, Maroon 5 was: SO FUCKING AMAZING I CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND IT THEY WERE EXCELLENT LIVE PERFORMERS TOO BUT THEIR MUSIC IS JUST SO FUCKING GOOD I LOVE THEIR STYLE SO MUCH BECAUSE THEY VERY EFFECTIVELY PUT JAZZ INTO POP MUSIC AND ADAM LEVINE’S VOICE IS LIKE A STICK OF BUTTER WRAPPED IN BACON HANDED TO YOU ON A WARM GOLDEN PLATE BY PIPPA FUCKING MIDDLETON.

Average fan 6 seconds into "Harder to Breathe"

Okay, so I exceeded the word limit. But given the number of times I’ve failed to meet it (e.g. college essays), I can make an exception. There is really no way to put “one word” to such an amazing performance – the closest one could come would be a wombination, like “orjazzmic.” Did I discover some noticeably non-platonic feelings for Adam Levine? Probably. But more importantly, I finally learned what the ‘5’ in Maroon 5 signifies: the number of dozens of orgasms that any given audience member will have at one of their concerts.