An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation:

The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

Keg Week 2013: The Eulogy

Tonight, we’re popping popcorn in your honor.

One week ago Sunday, The Keg of Evanston closed its doors for the very last time. Tonight we conclude our Keg Week 2013 with what may–for better or worse–be the very last article we ever post about TKOE.

At this point, more words have been spilled over that shit-hole Evanston bar than Bud Light out of a big cup. Don’t worry, this epitaph will be about as brief as a dance floor hookup, and hopefully a shade less awkward.

Think of all the geographic locations pertaining to Northwestern. The Arch. The Rock. The Frat Quad. The Black House. Willard. Searle Hall. The Lakefill. Tech. Norris. Ryan Field. The Steam Tunnels. Deering. CVS. The Howard El Stop. That One Bench You Totally Made Out On With Your PA.

A Finals Season Guide To The Library

With finals season bearing down upon us, scores of Northwestern students will soon start their tri-annual pilgrimage to the book place for the fun sexi learning times.

Yes, it is time once again to prepare for the library to be full of sexually frustrated sophomores whose only goal in life is to take the study carrel that you’ve been using/peeing on for the last two years. This means a number of things – including that we really do need a “You Pee On It You Claim It” rule – but the most important takeaway is that we could all do with a refresher on what sort of actions are acceptable in each part of the library:

Clubs that Should Exist at Northwestern

There are a lot of clubs at Northwestern. That’s no news. You’re interested in global health? Good for you, man, we’ve got a club for that. Like to pretend you play wizard sports? Well damn, homey, we got that too. You like to raise money and then dance for 30 hours for… some… reason? We do that too?

But there are a lot of unexplored frontiers people.

And because I’m a good friend, I’m going to open these frontiers to you. I’d start them myself, but when I decided to write for a blog where a fellow author has the word “Vandernips” in his title, I permanently barred myself from the realm of respectable employment. So I figure the leadership experience will pad your resume more than mine. Without further ado, here are some clubs that should exist at NU.

1) Snack Club

Want to know why I go to clubs? Snacks. I’ll just snack all day. Fruit snacks, granola snacks, candy snacks – man, I don’t give a fuck. I just want to eat something that exists outside of the traditional food pyramid. I figure this club would cut out the middle man. We wouldn’t have to pretend to care about global issues, or, for that matter local ones. We don’t have to pretend that we share a common interest, and, best of all, we sure as shit don’t have to do any paperwork. I have literally zero doubt that this would be the most popular club on campus.

NSFW:  Fruit snacks, baby, you got no idea what you’re doing to me

2) Disagreement Club

First off, let me clarify: disagreement club is designed to be unpleasant. No one will ever leave this place in a good mood. But if Facebook has taught me anything, it’s that people love to yell at other people more than they hate to be yelled at and realized that they can’t change anyone’s mind. My idea for disagreement club is simple. You’ll have a bunch of people show up in a room. And then you’ll have the club president (who was elected in one hell of a contested election) shout something about abortion, or taxes. Then you just let people go CRAZY. It’ll be like Fight Club, except everyone gets to be an unreliable narrator.

3) White Protestant Heritage Club

Wait. This is a country club. Whoops. Everyone to Deering.

Seen here dressed in their traditional garb, performing a classic ritual to please their dark God “Romney”

4) National Association of Academic Excellence

This is a club that will have one meeting. In that meeting everyone will be elected president and added to the snack club listserv.