Pledge Family Divorce Leaves Freshman Girl Lost

Time to break out the Ben and Jerry’s and Josh Groban.

EVANSTON –A TriDelt freshman has been lashing out recently due to the recent separation of her pledge parents. According to sources who wish to remain anonymous because of the sensitive nature of the matter, the freshman was last seen bawling outside the Keg last Saturday night. After an interview, sources discovered that the sororotastic freshman had seven DFMO’s that night in order to fill the void of her own absent father.

“I was fine until I saw my best friend hooking up with her own dad,” reported the girl, through stifled tears. “Then I began to see what I was missing.”

Report: Every Single Girl Going Through Sorority Recruitment Has “Just the Cutest Top Ever”

A study recently released by the Northwestern University Office for Research found that ever single freshman girl who has decided to begin the sorority recruitment process owns “just the cutest top ever.” It seems that every single girl who will enter into a sorority house in the next five days will be in possession of “the cutest top you’ve ever seen in your whole life, even cuter than the one on the girl who was just talking to the sorority sister before the girl she is currently talking to, even though she swore that last one was ‘more beautiful than anything in the world, like, ever’ and that it went ‘just so perfectly with those adorable platforms’ that other girl was wearing.”