Northwestern Chemistry Department to be Kicked Off Campus

Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

EVANSTON–Citing the highly publicized recent death of a Northwestern University sophomore’s social life, The Interfraternity Council has announced its intention to open an investigation into homework-related hazing at the hands of Northwestern University Chemistry Professors.

The announcement came as little surprise, as suspicions have long swirled that the Northwestern Chemistry Professors practice severe hazing.  Rumored hazing rituals include depriving students of sleep, trapping students in an enclosed room and forcing them to memorize senseless facts, and even keeping pre-meds in Tech for days at a time.