Fall Quarter, Freshman Year – What You Have/Will Have Learned

Tears come easier afteer a long day of pregaming football games.

My fall quarter freshman year was a whirlwind of Skol, strangers, and non-existent study hours. If you’re a freshman, learn these lessons now. If you’re not, congratu-fucking-lations on your extraordinary level of coolness and your through-the-roof tolerance. I’m sure you can relate to all of these.

You should probably study sometime
Those C’s will catch up with you and prevent you from doing some pretty cool shenanigans. For those of you who didn’t have to study in high school – shit got real once you showed up here. Learn how to study (it’s difficult, I know).

People here all have cool backgrounds and interesting stories
Most people at Northwestern aren’t vapid, moronic human beings. We’re all pretty cool and interesting. I even know someone from a town who had a guy going around fucking sheep. Yes, you read that right.

Dressing up for parties isn’t as fun and sexy as you thought it’d be
In fact, it’s really tiring… I’m just straight up exhausted with seeing decked-out freshmen walk into parties rolling 30-deep. It’s 7 degrees outside. Ditch the skirt that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination and do your best to obtain a little self-respect.

Dignity is hard!
Your hookups will definitely come back to haunt you on your walk down Sheridan Road, and you wont know if a) they remember you and b) if you should say hi. You’ll also probably have had some less than stellar nights and moments at parties where “What the fuck?” was the only possible reaction. Hold your head high and suck it up. You’re better than those moments and people will forget about it. Probably.

That awkwardness doesn’t mean you should be unfriendly as fuck, however. Don’t reinforce the stereotype that we nerds here at Northwestern are also socially incompetent. We all know that you remember taking shots to big booty hoes this weekend, so acknowledge me when I pass you by.

You shouldn’t be pretending to “know” people
Remember that one time you walked up to that frat house, dropped a random Facebook friend’s name, and was promptly told that he was out of the country? Yeah, you’re always going to feel weird about that one. Make real connections and don’t abuse your friendships in order to get drunk.

And if you haven’t learned anything else, you must have learned that applications to write for Sherman Ave are available NOW.

Translating Northwestern Listserv and Group Posts

Oh thank God, 20 more messages about the vomit in the bathroom!

If you go to Northwestern University, you are undoubtedly subscribed to a number of listservs and are identified as a member of many Northwestern-themed groups. Every day, you’re flooded with numerous emails and posts that you don’t give a second thought about. However, the majority of the posts do not mean what they appear to say. Since we at Sherman Ave are very concerned about maintaining an informed student body, we’ve compiled a guide to the most frequent listserv and group posts you’ll encounter at Northwestern.

Lost Items

Sample Post: “Hey guys, I lost my wallet and wildcard somewhere in the frat quad last night. I’m not sure where I dropped them, but I think I lost them somewhere around there. If anyone finds them, please let me know. Thx!”

Meaning: “I lost my self-respect and dignity somewhere in the Beta House last night. However, since my possessions are probably damaged beyond repair, I guess I’d be able to settle for being able to pay for meals to make up for all the food I ‘lost’ on the steps of Bobb.”

Interviews

Sample Post: “Hey, I’m a Journalism Major and I’m looking to interview someone who does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here] for my enterprise story. If someone does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here], please contact me. Thanks for the help guys!”

Meaning: “I really don’t have many friends because I spend most of my time learning grammar and worrying about Medill. I’m really excited to talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have great communication skills so scripted conversations are the only ways I can talk to anyone. Someone please talk to me…Please….PLEASE!!!!”

Selling Things

Sample Post: “I’m selling all of my books from Macro, Chem, and EDC last quarter. Contact me if interested. I’m very flexible on price.”

Meaning: “I’m dropping my real major for sociology. Last quarter was hell and I can’t stand to have these fucking books staring me in the face every time I get back “The Family and Society.” Will somebody please take them away? Maybe for a dollar? 50 cents? JUST FUCKING TAKE THEM!!!!!”

Funny Posts

Sample Post: “I came to Northwestern for the sports teams. We’re, like, SOOOOO GOOD at football lol.”

Meaning: “I’m not very good at coming up with funny things normally, but when I think of something, I need to share it with everyone I can. You should totes like my post and validate my self-worth.”

Ross Packingham replenishes his beer fund by scalping CSO tickets

Extra Tickets

Sample Post: “Me and a friend bought 5 tickets to [insert event here], but the other people can’t go. If you’re interested in coming, please message me asap. Thanks!!!”

Meaning: “My one friend and I bought extra tickets to [insert event here] because we really aren’t good at making friends, but we figured nobody could resists free stuff, so someone would have to be our friends. We thought about just paying people to be our friends, but we thought that was going too far. But yeah, everyone should TOTALLY come and be our friends!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ xoxo”

Hopefully this guide has helped you to understand the inner-workings of the minds of your fellow students.

New Year’s Eve Checklist

So Christmas is over and the time for relaxing is behind us. You have only one week left before you need to go back to Evanston. While you probably don’t have your New Year’s Eve plans set yet, follow this checklist and you might make it out of the night with some dignity and a few new friends. At the very least, you’ll have a couple good stories and no less than three inexplicable bruises.

Bonus points if you nail that one dick from Junior Year English Class with the cork.

1. Drink
Going home can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. It can mean relaxing, watching TV, losing the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas, and even reading (as dark as that may sound). However, to most, it probably means raging and drinking with friends and making bad decisions like you’re right back in high school. While most nights on break can feel more casual and laid back, New Year’s Eve is the night where you get to show all your friends and the randos at the party what you’ve learned at a higher learning establishment, primarily your newfound raging capabilities. An innocent bystander at the party might say, “Oh you go to Northwestern? I go to UC Santa Barbara and party on the beach because it’s 70 degrees year round. You must…like…do a lot of work and stuff.” Just wait, person who I’ve never met, because by the end of the night I will not only be blackout and ghostriding down Market Street, but also in the midst of a heinously deep conversion with a cop about the futileness of the Occupy Wall Street Movement and probz will get a fb friend request from him/her in a few days. Where did you say you went to school again, some, like, state school or whatever?

2. Hook Up
Go for it. You’ve been eying her for this whole party. She wants you. Just try to keep it classy and remember you’re not in the keg anymore, and there’s a decent chance that she actually knows where you live.

Nobody said it would be easy.

3. Wake Up the Next Morning
If you wake up the next morning, no matter where that may be, don’t worry, you made it. You made it through another year alive and you’re still raging like there’s no tomorrow. Now try to act like you have an idea of where you are, find your car, and drive home before your parents start assuming you’re dead and rent out your room.

4. Do Not Black Out Before the New Year
Even though counting down New Years may not be the ultimate highlight of the night, it’s up there. Blacking out before New Year’s kind of puts a damper on your memory of the night and it also makes the previous point a little more traumatic. If you can make it to midnight with a little consciousness and the ability to maneuver your two feet then you’re doing well: feel free to do whatever you please for the rest of the night. And remember that only on New Year’s Eve is the saying “nothing good happens after 2 AM” completely null and void. If you go home before 5am you’re doing something wrong. If the party is at your house, then congrats on having wonderful parents, can I like come over? I’ll have Mario Balotelli bring some fireworks too.

You'll always have your bros.

5. Get All Sentimental About Home
Since we’re on the quarter system here at Northwestern, we go back to school only one day after New Year’s. That not only makes this party your last chance to go hard before you head back to school and snow and total heinousness, it also reminds you how much you love being home and how awesome your friends are. So make about 50 toasts over the course of the night, reminisce over past debauchery, and even cry if that’s your thing. Everyone is blackout so they won’t even remember those two guys crying near the champagne.

–Andy Shartwood

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dorm Life

The legendary Tupac Shakur once famously stated, “I didn’t choose the thug dorm life, the thug dorm life chose me.” For several reasons, surviving dorm life can certainly be one of the most difficult challenges you’ll face your freshman year. While some things (ex: People vomiting outside of your room and covering it up with printer paper) are out of your control, the proper knowledge and expectation of what lies ahead can help equip you for a successful year.