James Franco Visits Northwestern, Possibly Forever

EVANSTON, IL—A&O Productions and Northwestern University announced yesterday that James Franco will visit campus Saturday as winter speaker, followed this year by an appearance as spring speaker, Dillo Day headliner, Blowout performer, and poetry professor.

Franco, an actor famed for his role in “Freaks and Geeks,” squinting, and his diverse creative talents, was A&O’s first choice for all of the positions.

“As soon as we saw how well students reacted to his poetry reading we knew Northwestern University needed more of James Franco,” said A&O spokeswoman Jeremiah Spunkleford, referencing the actor’s recent appearance at the Chicago Humanities Festival at Northwestern’s law school. “We’re grateful James Franco has been so cooperative with our move toward integrating him fully into the Northwestern experience.”

“We’re thrilled to announce there’s going to be more James Franco at Northwestern University,” continued Spunkleford. “A lot more.”

Franco’s upcoming appearances are scheduled for April as spring speaker, May 31 as the headlining musical act of the recently renamed Franco Day and again in October as the Fall Blowout headliner.

A&O productions, a group comprised of Northwestern students, is charged with procuring performers for its annual Northwestern campus events, including speakers, comedians and musical acts. A representative of A&O productions reported that the group was

27 Reasons Why You Just Can’t Write that Paper Right Now

1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.

2. The government was shut down.

3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.

4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.

5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.

The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day

What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Dear Asshats,

As you’re no doubt aware, and we know you’re no doubt aware because you’ve been counting down every frickin’ minute since last June, Northwestern’s Mayfest is at the end of this week. Dildo day or whatever the eff. Haha Dildo. See what I did there? Said a dirty word. High five, Carl.

Now I know that you think this is the one day of the year where there’s an understanding between us and… you people… regarding the consumption of the devil’s water and the shouting of the word ‘blowjob.’ Like somehow we’ll be ok with you crossing Sheridan Road into out territory.

We’ve killed people for less.

Dillo Day In 15 GIFs

8:00am, alarm clock goes off. You’ve been sitting awake in bed for half an hour waiting. It’s go time:

Your Dillo Day Survival Guide

What You’ll Need:

• Boys: A bro tank, one or two off-campus locations to rage, a healthy amount of hubris. Potentially a change of clothes. A flask full of shitty liquor.
• Girls: A neon hat, a neon shirt or tank, a neon fanny pack, three or four off-campus locations to rage. Potentially a change of clothes. A flask full of shitty liquor.
  

  Appropriate attire.

Do’s:

• Drink #alcohol, if you’re into that kind of thing. Dillo is the one day when less than half of students you run into will try to refer you to a support group if they spot you putting liquorbooze on your mouthlips before noon. Take advantage of that! But rest assured, if you don’t drink or have chosen not to get sloppy on Dillo, the day is still plenty of fun.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dillo Day

By now, you’ve probably heard about something called Dillo Day. My guess is that when you first heard tell of this legendary shitshow, your first thought was “Teehee. That sounds like Dildo.” Well, I’m gearing up for my third Dillo Day, and that same thought still crosses my head every single time it’s mentioned, so you’re in decent shape.

You may still feel a bit confused about Dillo. That’s understandable, because Dillo is sort of like peeing on the Washington Monument; you don’t realize how great it is until you’ve actually done it. But since we’re to irreversibly corrupt help you, we’re going to do the best we can to tell you about the heavenly glory of Dillo Day.

Mayor Tisdahl Sacrifices First-Born Child in Anti-Dillo Day Rain Dance

EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.”  Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.

Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.

“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.”

Mayfest Goes After DildoDayShits.com

EVANSTON– The Mayfest executive board announced Tuesday night that the organization will go all out in an attempt to take down the unofficial DildoDayShits.com website.

“Stop buying dildos.” – Mayfest

“We will share their link, tell our friends about it and post on every social media platform if we have to,” Mayfest President Sam Lowell said. “I’m serious, we will literally make sure that every student at this school has heard of DildoDayShits.com.”

The move comes as Mayfest, which puts on Dillo Day, Northwestern’s annual celebration of poor decisions and disregarding ENU’s, battles a number of other unofficial Dillo websites, including D-Day.com, DillonPanthers.com and DillPickles.com.

“Let me be clear,” added Lowell. “Dillo Day is a drunken bacchanalia featuring washed up musical acts, not a lurid sex act featuring imitation genitalia. This website, featuring a Kardashian sister, IS NOT LEGITIMATE. By no means should students who have any desire to avoid prurient material visit the website.”

DildoDayShits.com said in a statement that “Mayfest can go shove it up their ass… after they purchase it on DildoDayShits.com!”

Evander Jones contributed to the reporting of this Sharticle.

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.