What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

A College Reward System to Get You Through Senior Year

I pooped in the big-kid toilet therefore I deserve some whisky.

It’s senior year, and despite the fact that I have yet to figure out what the hell I’m going to do after they kick me out of this university, the number of fucks I give about my classes every aspect of my life is approaching zero faster than you can say senioritis. So I’ve come up with a system in which I reward myself for doing the little everyday things. It’s sort of like getting a gold star for putting away your toys after playtime in kindergarten, but for grown-ups lazy-ass college students.

If you’re anything like my mom, you’re saying, “but going to class and doing your homework already has a reward, it’s called a diploma.” Besides the fact that you’re not being funny, working 40 hours a week at a less-shitty job than if I didn’t go to college is not going to keep me off Facebook during class. I need something immediate. Like candy. Or vodka. I’m not talking about one candy bar after a long day of classes and homework. That shit may have worked freshman through junior year, but it sure as hell isn’t going to cut it now that I’ve realized getting straight A’s will have virtually the same effect on my GPA as straight C’s (thank you, engineering, for making me take a full course load every fucking year). No, with this knowledge always at the back of my mind, I’ve had to start rewarding myself for even the simplest of tasks. So, just like putting toys away = 1 gold star: