Tag Archives: discovery

Secret to Warmth Discovered: $700 Cash

21 Feb

Following a recent scientific discovery, researchers at Northwestern University have uncovered the secret to what makes those Canada Goose coats so warm. It isn’t a special blend of down feathers, or even an artificial down substitute created in a lab. After a small incision was made in the lining of a coat found at the Deuce Thursday night, scientists were shocked to find that the stuffing is $700 cash, shredded.

“We were baffled,” said Dr. Bill Fitzgerald, the lead scientist in the study. “We couldn’t believe no one had thought of it yet.”

Fitzgerald explained that scientists had never considered dissecting the coat, in spite of the mysterious $800 price, because they just assumed they were full of “feathers from the goose that laid the golden egg.” They never imagined that the filling was just cold, hard cash.

When questioned about the recent discovery, Canada Goose owner Jessica Lieberman did not seem surprised. “Honestly, I just got the coat because everyone else had one. In addition to keeping me warm in the cold winter, I use the coat to show off my dad’s income, and it certainly didn’t hurt during recruitment,” Friedman winked at us.

“If you’re strapped for cash, don’t even bother counterfeiting,” Dr. Fitzgerald explained, “We found that the only source of warmth this powerful is the real deal. It’s a dog-eat-dog world this winter; you’ll just have to get your Canada Goose the old-fashioned way—stolen from the floor of a frat party.”

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Northwestern Administration Gets Caffeine Rush, Excitedly Re-Allocates $3.75 Billion to Intangible Buzzwords

15 Mar
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

Northwestern declared that they will raise 3.75 billion dollars to improve the University after yesterday morning’s “Dollar Coffee” deal at Java Café.

There was reportedly a “Super Scholastic Brainstorm” which consisted of several administrative members pacing around the presidential office enthusiastically pitching ideas.  Reports have confirmed that the group members were thinking of ideas so fast that they did not even have time to write them all down.

Chris Combe and Adam Karr, two Co-Chairs of the initiative, reportedly Continue reading