Student Shocked to Discover Racial Bias in Criminal Justice System

Zimmerman, after learning he was found guilty by a jury of 250.67 million online peers

CHEVY CHASE, WASHINGTON DC–Sources report 20-year-old Samantha Hastings was visibly disturbed early Sunday morning upon learning that an invidious racial bias permeates throughout the American judicial system.

According to eyewitness reports, the revelation that George Zimmerman–the neighborhood watch volunteer who fatally shot the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin and ignited a national forum on racial profiling and civil rights–was  found not guilty on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter produced a tumult of shock, disappointment, and anger in Ms. Hastings. Many close friends and relatives noted the Northwestern University biology major’s rapid politicization regarding the pervasive racial discrimination inherent in the legal framework of the United States has occurred even faster than the last time Ms. Hastings learned about the racist underpinnings of much criminal enforcement, after hearing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” for the first time.

President Obama supports gay marriage, and other obvious things

In an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced for the first time his public support for same-sex marriage. In other news: the sky is fucking blue, the Cubs are in last place and the Octomom is doing porn.

I mean, I get it. This is the first time a sitting President has come out in favor of not being a discriminatory poopyface. And I’m thrilled. This is a huge step for marriage equality in America and reminds us of the reason so many young people stopped watching pre-Octomom porn, got off their asses and voted for the man in 2008.

Obama’s position on gay marriage up until today.

But literally this is no surprise. He’s been “evolving” and “grappling” and “nakedly wrestling in a pool of Jello” with the issue for years, and I think we all know what that means. People generally don’t experiment with marriage equality then decide to come back to hetero-only ways. Once they’ve seen more fabulous pastures, no amount of praying or therapy is going to bring them back.

Now, there’s likely going to be considerable controversy and debate and discussion and BLAH FUCKING BLAH about this in the coming weeks. Which is stupid because B-Sizzle has honestly been going “Uh, I’m not sure on the gays getting all married. Seems like the kind of thing I’d support, because of logic and all, but maybe not. I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see, WINKEDY WINK WINK” since he was inaugurated. This isn’t really news. I mean it kind of is because of history but mainly it isn’t because of obvious.

You know what is closer to being news? The Log Cabin Republicans, a group of GOPers who favor gay rights and same-sex marriage and hate crime legislation and banning discrimination and seem to be unaware that there’s already a party with that platform, blasted Obreezy for his announcement. They called it “callous and offensive.” Which is actually what most people in favor of marriage equality call the existence of Rick Santorum.

We assume this is what the Log Cabin Republicans look like.

But I say “closer to being news” because even this isn’t news. I know it may seem newsworthy that a pro-gay rights group criticized the President for supporting their agenda, but it’s not. Because their name is four words long and the last one is “Republicans.” Which means they’re required by law to reflexively criticize everything Barry does (see: Osama-bin-Laden-killing, Libya-genocide-preventing). So even this isn’t news. KAYGR8.

Now, if these things are getting press coverage, then I want to formally request the media be present for all obvious events in my life. Passed out on the bus to a crush party? DIANE SAWYER BEST BE REPORTING LIVE. Couldn’t connect to the wireless at registration time? I WANT A TRIBUNE EXPOSE. Ate seven pieces of shitty pizza after I promised I’d only have one and then didn’t go to SPAC because I was still full from all the shitty pizza? WHERE THE FRICK IS RYAN SEACREST? Cried myself to sleep again? DON’T CARE IF IT’S EMBARRBARR I JUST WANT HUFFPO TO LINK TO A STORY ABOUT IT.

In summary, it’s great that B-Rock came out in support of letting all the gays get divorced too, but it’s not exactly on the same scale as if Mitt Romney ever doesn’t have an awkward interaction with one of the poors. This was expected. It was obvious. It was necessary but unsurprising. It was basically the Norris Food Court (or Willie’s as the cool kids call it) of political announcements. And it’s made me soooo in loooove with him again.

5 Reasons Why We Hate the Republican Primaries

An even larger collection of pricks than the one on display each morning at Norbucks

There’s no two ways about it: the Republican Primaries suck. Every time I see coverage of the primaries on television, I’m blinded by a white rage brighter than, well, the skin of the Republican candidates. If you share this anger and don’t know why, allow me to try to explain some possible reasons for your fury:

5. The Jokes
Want to know what’s not funny? Republicans. Want to know what’s worse than not funny Republicans? Not funny Republicans making stupid jokes. I swear, every time one of them gets on a roll, they decide it’s time for their own little one man show. It might be some little quip like, “I haven’t seen numbers that low since statistics on Romney’s job creation as governor.” Or it may be some drawn out criticism of how big-headed Newt Gingrich is while the candidate resists the urge to just call him a fat fuck. We all know the only thing the Republican candidates find funny is discrimination and poverty, so why don’t they just stop with the jokes and spend a few more seconds shutting the fuck up?

There goes your chances of reenacting "My Date With the President's Daughter"

4. Jon Huntsman Doesn’t Stand a Chance
Honestly, there is no such thing as a good Republican candidate for president right now, but Jon Huntsman is the closest thing to it this year — and he’s just getting shit on. I get it: Republicans decided, in a nation trying to progress in policies and beliefs, to select the dumbest, most backwards-thinking assholes they could to run for president this year. But really? I mean, really??? The one guy who isn’t a complete fuck-up is just getting destroyed out there while being mercilessly driven to the right. And have you even seen his daughters?

3. Rick Perry is Still Speaking
What the fuck? I understand free speech is an important value in America, but can someone please just make this guy disappear or something? I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I think it would be a really cool idea if people who are just intolerant wastes of space and air didn’t get to speak to a nationally-televised audience. Maybe I’m wrong… No. I’m not. I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure Rick Perry is not fit to speak about becoming president of the United States unless we’ve gone back in time to the 1800’s.

Gingrich is one of the few men who are probably even worse than Tebow at throwing a football 20 yards

2. We’re Forced to Hear about States That Don’t Mean Anything
Let’s be real honest here, since when does anyone give a fuck about Iowa or New Hampshire? Last time I heard, never. Even the people who live in those states realize they don’t mean anything to anyone anywhere. So why are a bunch of taint-stains on Fox News acting like I should care about those insignificant little places? The only thing that matters less than those states is the Republican Primaries, so why do I have to endure hours of those two things being combined? Next someone’s going to tell me I should care about football teams not controlled by God. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t give a shit if the 49er’s do have a great run defense, until Jesus shows up on the field in the form of a stiff arm allowing an 80 yard touchdown in OT, I just don’t care. In fact, I might actually care about the Republican primaries if there was a little more Tebow. But there isn’t, so I don’t.

1.  It’s Just Wasting Time that Could Be Spent Listening to Obama’s Plans for His Second Term
There’s no way in Hell any Republican could win in the general election, so why waste time listening to a bunch of old, white assholes harp about the plight of the struggling upper-class business owner? How about we just tell Obama he won the election, allow him to transform this country for the better, and enjoy our lives? Maybe if we spent more time allowing people with good ideas to help the country and less time dicking around discussing which rich white guy is more unfit to run the country, we might, I don’t know, do something good for the first time in a long ass time. It’s just an idea.

Hate a Random Country: Latvia

Predictably, most of these lesbian monkeys will become gym teachers

The most important thing to understand about discrimination is that you can’t spell it without saying “nation.” Conclusion? Unbridled xenophobia. Yes, we must realize the importance of hating other countries. I say this not only from a survivalist standpoint, but also because finding reasons to hate other countries is more fun than a barrel of lesbian monkeys. So, in a new series titled “Hate A Random Country,” I plan to expose just a few of the millions of flaws visible in every country that doesn’t rhyme with “Shmunited States of America.”

Seriously, what is this shit!?

Today’s victim: Latvia. Upon my extensive research of Latvia, I instantly noticed some very easily targetable facts about this piss-poor excuse of a nation (formerly Communist, significant population decline in the last 20 years, etc.), but I decided to dig deeper. The first aspect of this Eastern European cesspool that should be mentioned is the coat of arms. The figure features two indistinct animals (presumably dragons with tragic birth defects) holding a shield and breathing absurdly minuscule amounts of fire. The shield shows a sun (real creative, guys) and then two more dragonesque beasts, one holding a sword and the other pantomiming a pole dance (admittedly, the latter is pretty cool). All of this is happening under three stars (The Really Fucking Small Dipper is very important in Latvian mythology) and over a portion of a Christmas Holiday wreath (because clearly a small plant can support the weight of two gargantuan beasts) and a ribbon with the pattern of the Latvian flag.

Gag me already.

As long as I’m on the topic of Latvia’s flag, I should probably go ahead and talk about how much I detest it. Anybody who knows me well (or has by some triumphant circumstance found themselves in a room with me, alcohol, and Sporcle) knows that I don’t kid around when it comes to flags. Thus, it irks me to no end that Latvia’s flag is clearly modeled after the Austrian flag. I’m sorry, Latvia, but there’s really only so much you can do with three horizontal stripes patterned red-white-red. Furthermore, if you are going to copy a flag, why choose Austria? The only good thing that came out of Austria was indisputably canceled out by the myriad of bad things that came out of it.

The traditional Latvian breakfast

Are you not yet convinced of Latvia’s ethnic LOLability? Latvia’s only distinguishing Olympic successes have been in motocross. If someone was born on the day Latvia became an independent nation, they wouldn’t be old enough to drink. Only if everybody in Latvia had 5 clones would they have enough people to outnumber a nation made solely of the people who watched this video. Latvia’s mama is so fat that her BMI is measured in acres. I could go on forever about all the inherent flaws in the “nation” of Latvia, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Latvia is the Idaho of Europe. I’m just going to leave you with this last thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN8kWlH3G3E&feature=related

Prepare yourselves, bitches

Tune in next time for an emotional smackdown on New Zealand.