We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.
Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.
Maybe someday.
But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??
–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone
Background: Originally a solemn drifter making his way across this great nation’s network of railroad lines, Burgwell J. Howard was converted to Assistant Vice President for Student Engagement in Student Affairs at Northwestern University in 2012 after hearing that his roommate and Eskimo Brother Morton Schapiro could hook him up with a real sweet gig for a few months if he needed some beer money. Burgwell, or “Burgie” as his friends and fellow teamsters affectionately call him, is now a beacon for smile aficionados and hosts the annual university-wide diversity listserv email blast.
Graphical representation of typical college demographics
The University of Texas at Austin is cracking down on an important issue plaguing colleges worldwide — too many white people.
Desperate measures are being put into place to ensure the university maintains a critical concentration of African American and Hispanic students. “It’s not that I don’t like white people,” said president William Powers. “It’s really more of a cultural thing. See, black people bring with them a rich history of African culture, and rap music too. Spanish people have freakin tacos and, I don’t know, sombreros I guess. What do white people have to contribute? Boy bands? Honey Boo-Boo? That’s not what this school wants to represent.”
White — no longer right?
UT’s affirmative action policy makes white students less likely to be accepted in some situations. But it’s not just white students who are being affected by the diversity crusade. Black students who aren’t deemed black enough are also at risk of being rejected without proper evaluation.
“When I came in for the interview, I was determined to make a good impression,” said Clarence Jones, an African-American teenager from a wealthy community near Seattle. “I wore my best slacks and my best dress shirt, and I entered the room with a lot of confidence.”
Clarence recalls the look of confusion from the interviewer who extended his hand to greet him. “He rubbed my hand in a weird way like he was trying to do some kind of special handshake. Then he turned flush red and nervously offered me some fried chicken he had laying out on a plate for some reason. When I said I was vegan, the entire panel immediately shook their heads and furiously scribbled some notes down.”
There was no end to the exasperation Clarence experienced during the interview. “I tried to talk about my fascination with French literature and my passion for classical violin. They just kept asking me if I had heard the latest Kanye album and how things were in my ‘hood’. I live in a gated community — is that a ‘hood’? I just don’t know anymore.”
Picture taken at the conclusion of a successful interview
A representative from the panel explained their decision: “He was well-educated, articulate, professional — you know, it just didn’t feel like he was connected to black culture enough. That’s why we had to reject him.”
According to Clarence, the peak of frustration was hearing the interviewer apologize for “that whole slavery thing” when he was on his way out the door.
Campus changes to reflect diversity
The University of Texas at Austin’s campus director has detailed several drastic changes the campus will be undergoing soon. These changes are aimed towards attracting minorities and promoting diversity.
The on-campus food stores will be removed and replaced with a KFC and a Taco Bell, “for our black– oops! African-American and Mexican-American friends.” The landmark Mustangs statue will be replaced with a statue of Hugo Chavez. “It was at a garage sale for cheap, and he’s Cuban or something, so it works.” The bookstore will transform into a one-stop shop for cigarettes, drug paraphernalia, and firearms. “We want to welcome these oppressed, ethnic people with open arms and create an environment that reflects the culture they come from,” explained the campus director, wearing a traditional Zimbabwean robe.
“Some people claim the only way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race,” says the UT campus director. “I tell those people- that’s a logical fallacy, you know. I don’t know if it is or not, but it usually shuts them up.”
The university has taken other steps to appear diverse, which is unnerving for students like sophomore Jessica Brown.
“I was walking home from class one day when I suddenly froze in my tracks and felt my heart skip a beat. I was face to face with a- a Hispanic! I’d never dealt with this kind of situation, so I stood still, avoided eye contact and held up the universal peace sign with my hand. It was only after several minutes of trembling in fear did I realize it was just a cardboard cutout. Can you imagine my relief!”
Example of a diversity-promoting cutout
Cutouts and even mannequins resembling typical minority groups have been placed around campus to create an image of diversity, complete with ill-fitting clothes and ethnic headgear such as sombreros and flat-brimmed caps with the sticker still on.
W. Powers: pioneer in equality or racist?
President Powers staunchly denies any element of racism in his unfair treatment of white students and ignorance towards minorities’ culture. “Again, this isn’t a race issue. I have a lot of friends who are white, and I think they’re fun to hang out with. But when it comes down to a student body, you need diversity, and white people are, quite frankly, out of style. Listen, we live in a country with a President who is black and a minority — what? He’s only half-black? Does that even count? Whatever, you get my point.”
When asked about his opinion on accepting gay and lesbian students, Powers laughed and replied, “Come on, now. We have a reputation to keep.”
Representing a diverse array of students from Westchester County.
First of all, it is wholly unfair to make any judgments about the class’s academic talent this early in the game. From the perspective of a Sherman Ave writer, these little bastards still have six months before they actually put their minds to work here at Northwestern (thanks to the most egregious scheduling debacle since Reagan ordered the invasion of Grenada the same night as the M*A*S*H* season finale), and until then, the name of the game is “Corrupt the Bitches.” There is ample time for you, me, and the rest of the Northwestern student body to inundate the Class of 2016 Official Facebook Group with pictures of our genitalia student group propaganda. Furthermore, they’ve got seven jungle-juicy days of Wildcat Walkofshame Week to further their understanding of true college atrocities, and with any luck, they will make it to their first Intro to Russian Literature lecture just in time to sit in the balcony in Tech Auditorium and emit stifled sounds of dry heaving.
I also took special interest in the e-mail’s emphasis on the diversity of the incoming class. Growing up near Boulder, Colorado, I never experienced much diversity; finding an African-American family in Boulder is about as easy as finding a Starbucks in Utah. When I came to Northwestern, I was mortified excited to meet upper-middle-class students whose grandparents migrated to America from different regions of the world. Now, I can proudly claim to know approximately a dozen people with the last name “Kim.” So when I saw this e-mail, declaring that this incoming class is even more diverse, it got me thinking: in what ways are they more diverse? After a few minutes of violent masturbation brainstorming, here’s what I’ve figured the new class has to offer to this university’s already marginally diverse portfolio:
Trolling for biddies at the lakefill.
Scientologists
I’d be lying if I said I had a fundamental understanding of Scientology. Someone tried to explain it to me once, but I got lost when I heard the word “alien king,” and the storyteller lost some credibility when I realized that they weren’t real and that I was merely in a BK-induced hallucinatory coma. Regardless, a Scientologist would be a marvelous addition to the academic community at Northwestern. I say this not because I have any level of reverence for the religious foundations of Scientology, but rather because I’m relatively certain that Tom Cruise is the only out-of-the-closet Scientologist in the United States. And believe me, T-Cruise would be a terrific addition to the NU student body, as long as he doesn’t seduce my hot TA from last quarter, on whom I have effectively called dibs.
North Dakotans
I’m not entirely sure that “North Dakotans” is the correct term to refer to someone from North Dakota, but I am entirely sure that I don’t give a fuck what you call someone from North Dakota. I have not met a single person from North Dakota at Northwestern, and it really makes me wonder. Are there any North Dakotans at Northwestern whatsoever? Do people from North Dakota go to college? Has North Dakota been introduced to the wheel yet? It’s likely I can only find answers to the questions by travelling to North Dakota, which is definitely not going to happen; besides breaking my non-negotiable rule of avoiding travel to any state that borders Canada, such a trip would also heavily activate my uncanny allergy to peace gardens. My questions will be much more easily answered if Northwestern just admitted a creature from North Dakota.
The bow-tie's a holdover from Sig Ep's hell week, 1946.
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*I say “himself” only because I feel it would be absurd to assume there are women in Mongolia.
**Fun fact: John Paul Stevens frequently referred to his dick as “Chief Justice.” This elicited many inappropriate giggles from him during court hearings, and it really never stopped being funny to him throughout his whole career.
Sherman Ave 
7 Things You Miss About Being at Northwestern
14 DecRight now you’re probably sitting at home and staring at Facebook. You’re probably praying to the Almighty Tim Tebow that your life becomes more exciting. You miss Northwestern and you know it. Here are some of the likely reasons why you’re missing NU.
You don't understand. It's hot cookie bar.
Now I’m going to be honest here: I don’t like cold weather. I’m not a fan of my boys retreating back into my body like the French during, well, any war ever. However, now that I’m away from the freezing helltrap known as Northwestern, I realize I do miss the cold. “Why?” You may ask. Well, to answer your question, Mr. Theoretical Man Who Talks to his Computer, the frozen domain known as Evanston provides us with two things: 1. The appearance of social skills; and 2. The chance to whine incessantly. Because nobody likes the cold, the vast majority of your conversations at Northwestern may be about how fucking cold it is – and though it would be unacceptable anywhere else to spend so much time talking about the weather, it’s okay here. Also, the biting cold lets you complain and swear as much as you want. Hell, if you wanted, you could walk outside and scream “Fucking Shit Bitch Damnit!” and have a simple “man it’s cold out” excuse to forgive your horrible language.
6. The Dorm Food
We’ve all got a secret fat person hiding inside of us (mine’s Israel Kamakawiwo’ole). When you’re home in front of your family, you must hide this fat person for fear of terrifying your parents and siblings; however, in the dining halls of Northwestern, you can let that fat person run wild. With chicken tenders every day, grilled cheese always on the menu, and ice cream galore, you can indulge your disgusting gluttonous desires each and every day at Northwestern (not to be confused with your other awful desires).
5. The Classes
You’re at Northwestern – embrace your inner geek. You love that you’re struggling to get a C in Orgo. You want to discuss Nietzsche every day. And each time you go to Russian Lit, Morson gives you a mini orgasm. You’re at Northwestern for a reason, and that reason likely isn’t your amazing rapping prowess…we can’t all be Chet Haze.
4. Gratuitous Hook-Ups
You’re disgusting. I mean, you are a sick group of horny little nerds. But that’s okay – it’s part of why we love you. However, since you’re no longer at Northwestern, your game probably isn’t doing quite as well as normal. Saying “I wish I was DNA Helicase, that way I could unzip your jeans” just probably isn’t flying with that General Studies major from the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater the way it worked with that “cute” girl from your bioethics class. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that your “self-help” is just as good as any vodka-induced adventures you’ve had at NU, but you know it’s just not the same.
You don't even want to see the stock-image for "self-gratification"
Do you want to know how many times I’ve wanted to make a comment about fucksaws and masturbating in the showers in the three days I’ve been home? A LOT. Do you know how many times I haven’t been able to? TOO FUCKING MANY. And do you know how often I’ve accidentally mentioned self-gratification in front of MY MOTHER? Once….AND THAT’S ONE TIME TOO MANY. Without being able to talk about fucksaws, waxing the dolphin, or the cold weather – I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT ANYMORE. Since coming home, I feel like I may have to learn how to converse like a normal human being again, and I’m not ready to do that – and you probably aren’t either.
2. The Diversity of Thought
Unless you’re Rick Perry (in which case, please kindly go die in the most painful way possible), you’re probably a fan of tolerance and diversity. Northwestern provides more diversity of thought and belief than any place within 500 miles of my hometown. Though you may be fortunate enough to live in a place with rational people, the only thing my state has chosen to move forward on is reviving Pre-Civil War era policies. I appreciate Northwestern so much for how accepting it is of all people, and it’s something that you should miss and cherish as well.
1. Your Friends
I’m sure you have a ton of great friends back home. I’m grateful every day for the fantastic people I know in my hometown. But that being said, I still miss the hell out of everyone at Northwestern. Only at Northwestern will you have friends that are stumbling outside the Keg one day and then intensely developing a Chemical Engineering program the next. Your friends at NU are always there to help you stand up, and they’re certainly there when you’re falling down (you alcoholic, you). These are some of the best, most ridiculous people you will ever meet – and you’re probably suffering a little every moment you’re away from them.
There are so many reasons why you think you hate Northwestern, but you know you love and miss it there. So tough it out NU. You can make it. Soon enough you’ll be back at school just in time to freeze and die with the best student body on the planet.
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