Tag Archives: Division

June Heinous First-Round Results: Keystone Light Division

12 Jun

On to the Sweet Sixteen!

So this happened. But then these happened. Long story short, May Heinous has now become mid-June Heinous. And without further ado, we present to you the final results of the first round, coming out of the vaunted Keystone Light Division.

Leonardo da Vinci/Peter the Great vs. Mahatma Gandhi/Sitting Bull
Winner: Leonardo da Vinci/Peter the Great

This game was a tough lesson for those out there identifying themselves as proponents of peace. Peter the Great was a powerhouse, skillfully managing a fire-ice victory over the Indian and the Indian. Gandhi, to no one’s surprise, had an astronomically low tolerance, despite the fact that he had consumed two grains of rice instead of one in an attempt to boost his body’s ability to tolerate alcohol. After drinking one measly cup of Keystone Light, he wasted no time in taking off his shirt (although he had to put it on in order to then take it off) and boast about his killer “six-pack,” before Sitting Bull solemnly pointed out that ribs don’t count. Sitting Bull played rather well, actually, possibly due to the stirring “make-it-rain dance” he performed before the match, but it simply wasn’t enough to compensate for Gandhi’s blatant slizzeredness.

Leon Trotsky/Sally Hemings vs. Florence Nightingale/Pope John Paul II
Winner: Leon Trotsky/Sally Hemings

Despite Sally Hemings inherent distrust of prestigious white men, she and L-Trots were able to glide to an easy victory against JP2 and Florence “Glorified Nurse” Nightingale. John Paul II, while a pretty admirable man, is really not an excellent beer pong player; his frail physique hardly allowed him to get the ball to the other side of the table. Nightingale, on the other hand, was too preoccupied with the unmistakable alcohol poisoning of the man lying on the floor under the table (as it turned out, it was Gandhi, who hadn’t yet recovered from the 3 ounces of Keystone Light he had consumed in the previous game). Trotsky and Hemings didn’t display stellar athletic ability, but they still had no trouble knocking out the Pope and the Nurse and advancing to the second round.

Ernest Hemingway/Teddy Roosevelt vs. Winston Churchill/Frida Kahlo
Winner: Ernest Heminway/Teddy Roosevelt

This game would have been far less competitive than it was had Hemingway and Roosevelt not decided to pregame the event by sipping cognac outside of their favorite Spanish bar as they pondered the war. Nevertheless, the Grizzled Guzzlers methodically annihilated their opponents, rough riding their way to a four-cup victory. Hemingway would go on to recount the game at his blog, dgaf.blogspot.com, saying, “I stood at the table drunk. I looked over at Teddy and he was drunk too. There was a fat man and an ugly woman across the table from us. I looked at them. I told Teddy we had to win and he agreed with me. I threw my ping pong ball at the red solo cup and it went in. They drank their beer. I drank my beer. The beer was not good and very warm. I thought about the war some more and how the ugly woman laughed at the fat man when he missed. By that time the game was over and we drank less beer than they did. Teddy and I went back to the house to find some weed.”

Thurgood Marshall/John McCain vs. Isaac Newton/Leopold II
Winner: Thurgood Marshall/John McCain

Isaac “Sir Troll” Newton proved himself one of the worst beer pong players in recorded history in this game, somehow ruining Leopold II’s chances of defeating a sub-mediocre team. While I feel bad that he is no longer a virgin after the ass-sex administered to him by the American political duo, it really is astounding that he was unable to use his extensive understanding of the laws of physics to at least make one cup; Newton demonstrated unequivocally that trollitude can be created, but never destroyed. King Leopold II, on the other hand, was an absolute all-star, managing to make 8 cups before falling to Marshall and McCain. There were, however, many uncomfortable moments between Leopold and Marshall, especially when Leopold II casually asked Marshall if he could go find him some nice ivory.

May Heinous Breakdown: Busch Light Division

1 May

Yesterday, we provided our coked-out fans desperate for Rogger Rabbit-themed porn loyal readers with the first May Heinous preview, a rundown of the competitive Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. Tonight we continue our coverage of the 32-team beer pong tournament with our preview of the historical figures within the Busch Light Division vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to shermanave1@gmail.com.

Somehow managed to graduate despite being drunk for most of her undergraduate years.

Helen Keller and Sun-Tzu
Helen Keller, bless her soul, was never one to take alcohol as a friend. It’s no surprise given drinking is only fun if you can see or hear the debauchery that occurring around you. So I would anticipate her be a supreme lightweight and either pass her drinks off to the little guy or blackout before we’re done. Considering as she’s already functionally “blacked out,” this shouldn’t take too long, but without most of her senses, Keller has little left to lose. While much has been made of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, far less scholarship has been devoted to Sunny’s earlier work, The Art of Pong. The treatise, hastily scrawled on cocktail napkins and the foreheads of Tzu’s vanquished foes, is considered by many Fratstars as the definitive piece on beer pong strategies and tactics at the time, and is still read for its insight, including the oft-repeated idiom “知己知彼,百戰不殆。”
Strengths: Strategy, Tactics, Parables
Weaknesses: Deaf, blind, already blackout
First-Round Opponents: Hammurabi and John Audubon
Team Cohesiveness: 3.7/10
Evander Jones and Porky Saltstick

Alone. Yet again.

Hammurabi and John James Audubon
Famed ornithologist, meet mediocre leader in Civilization IV. Hammurabi literally codified the rules of beer pong in stone, promulgating specific laws that governed rollbacks, overtime, re-racks, and punishing all transgressors with Sköl-induced death. Audubon, meanwhile, identified 25 new species of birds and a number of new sub-species, presumably to distract himself from his violent masturbation addiction. Expect Hammurabi to pursue a “Cup for Cup” strategy in the Ragin’ Mesopotamian’s quest to defeat Keller and Tzu.
Strengths: Rule of law, beards
Weaknesses: 1/2 of their team devoted his entire life to drawing pictures of pigeons.
First-Round Opponents: Helen Keller and Sun-Tzu
Team Cohesiveness: 1/10
Evander Jones

She really put the Dick in Dickensian

William Henry Harrison and Queen Victoria
Old Willy, as his friends and doctors called him, was the 9th president of the US. And I do mean old. Pretty sure this dude was about 185 or so (so meaning 68) when elected, and presidency did not agree with him.  And as far as beer pong skills go… have you ever watched your grandfather try to take his medication? Takes him about 6 tries to successfully get all of those little pills in his mouth. Now imagine that hot mess making an attempt at ping pong ball to cup.  Vicky, on the other hand, has the tenacity of a sea turtle. Not only did she rule the United Kingdom for 63 years, but she also managed to have 9 kids without going batshit cray. Endurance, patience, and a vagina are all qualities of an excellent BP player.

The weak American and the powerful Brit. A new sitcom on fox or the best drinking duo this side of the frat quads? Only time will tell.
Strengths: Child-bearing, defeating Indians
Weaknesses: Pneumonia, waning empire
Team Cohesiveness: 6.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Friedrich Nietzsche and Genghis Khan
Parrty Cat

Can we just go get baked instead?

Friedrich Nietzsche and Genghis Khan
Nietzsche was a smart chap, but he was no frat bro. His downfall will be his handlebar mustache, and/or the fact that he has probably never even heard of the game. On the flipside, he IS German, and if there is one thing the Germans are especially good at, it’s drinking impressively. Genghis Khan, on the other hand, is a scary motherfucker. The only moment of weakness he showed in his entire life was his death, the reason for which is still uncertain to this day. I personally like the theory that one of his thousands of biddies hid a small pair of pliers inside her lady cave, which meant that when he…well you know. Long story short: Khan is the ultimate warrior, and should have no trouble tearing shit up in a beer pong game.
Strengths: Brute strength, high tolerance
Weaknesses: Depression, walls
Team cohesiveness: 8/10
First-Round Opponents: William Henry Harrison and Queen Victoria
Parrty Cat

Shit, they’re heating up.

Malcolm X and Mao Zedong
Not to be confused with Denzel Washington, Malcom X is credited with boosting African American pride during the tumultuous Civil Rights era in the United States. His excellent rhetorical skills could really take a beer pong game in a number of directions. Mao Zedong, founder of the People’s Republic of China and a Communist revolutionary, is quite the interesting counterpart for Malcolm X. He kind of reminds us of that father figure who swears he has your best interests at heart, but also may publicly beat you to death if you don’t share your toys. We’re also not especially certain about Mao’s familiarity with the game.
Strengths: Team morale, self-image
Weaknesses: Temper, poor strategy
Team Cohesiveness: 3/10
First-Round Opponents: Earl Grey and Boris Yeltsin
-Marietta Von Festering

One day my name will be FAMOUS!

Earl Grey and Boris Yeltsin
Former British Prime Minister Earl Grey (or more specifically, Charles the 2nd Early Grey) hails from the prominent Grey family in Northumberland, England (aka no one’s ever actually heard of this fucker, but they named a tea after him). If you’re a pretentious dick then you know exactly what type of tea makes an Earl Grey blend, and maybe you even know why it was named after this Charles fellow. Boris Yeltsin, who was the First President of the Russian Federation, is known best for his grand plans to transform Russia’s socialist economy into a free market economy – a skill which is quite applicate to beer pong. He’s used to playing with vodka, so to him, drinking a six-pack of Natty Light is the equivalent of shotgunning a LaCroix.
Strengths: Socioeconomic reform, high tolerance (although Grey’s tolerance is presumably high only for tea)
Weaknesses: Sweating, being remembered for relationship with a beverage
Team Cohesiveness: 5.2/10
First-Round Opponents: Malcolm X and Mao Zedong
-Marrietta Von Festering

I see what you’re trying to do there.

J. Edgar Hoover and Cleopatra
Forget his 50-year stint with the FBI and his power to destroy naval spies – Hoover’s pong skills will blow everyone out of the water. After all, if a man can keep the plans of the most powerful nation in the world, his activities as a Freemason, and his cross-dressing habits under wraps, chances are he can throw a little plastic ball into a solo cup. Cleopatra, on the other hand, is woman enough for both of them. This Ancient Egyptian Queen will make up for what she lacks in beer drinking ability (I’m pretty sure she was too sexy to drink this figure-ruining beverage) with an evil-queen sex appeal and ridiculous charisma. That hot bitch will certainly throw off the other team while J. Edgar does serious work sinking cups/daydreaming about his limitless potential as Shirley Temple.
Strengths: Power-tripping, eye make-up
Weaknesses: Insecurity, asps
Team Cohesiveness: 9/10
First-Round Opponents: General George A. Custer and Neville Chamberlain
Gwyneth Effingmouth

Few know that Custer’s last stand actually happened at the basement of Sig Ep, when Crazy Horse wiped his ass on the pong table.

General George A. Custer and Neville Chamberlain
General Custer has many reasons to drink. His moplike mustache and goth button-up shirt lend him an undesirable serial rapist quality.  He is also best known by the systematic ass-kicking he endured at the hands of the Lakota tribe at Little Bighorn.  My guess is that what Custer lacks in accuracy, he’ll make up for in alcohol consumption.  Neville Chamberlain, Prime Minister of England during the rise of Hitler and the beginning of World War II, is known for pursuing a policy of appeasement, or “ass-kissing,” towards Nazi Germany. What Chamberlain lacks in testicles he makes up for in, well, nothing, because he’s probably the type of drunk who knocks back a couple of aged whiskey shots and then cries into the phone to his mother about his wish to return to the golden days of his childhood.
Strengths:  High rank, sharing first names with notable Gryffindors
Weaknesses:  Lack of testicles, lack of scalp
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: J. Edgar Hoover and Cleopatra
Gwyneth Effingmouth