Chin Up, Northwestern: An Open Letter to Bereaved NU Football Fans

Dear Wildcats,

We at Sherman Ave talked a lot about An Ohio State University getting fucked, wrecked, guzzling our Siemian, and all sorts of other fantastic verbage *does Trumpy dickswinging celebration out of habit*. At this point, if you’re not familiar with the events of the OSU-NU game, you can just close this tab, and then find some Siemian to guzzle or something.

In reality, no real fucking or wrecking was had, neither by NU nor OSU. Of course, OSU supporters will be quick to say that, actually, they fucked us. But they’d be fucking wrong.

“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.