Beyoncé “Super-Jealous” of Chet Haze’s Talent

Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she’s the hottest, baby.

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Avenue, seventeen-time Grammy award winner Beyoncé Knowles praised Chet Haze’s latest video, “Finest Girl,” as “the most promising display of raw talent I have ever seen.”

The star of Dreamgirls shared her high opinions of Chester Marlon Hanks, better known as “Chet Haze” in the rap community, whose introspective video about not remembering whether he got the digits of a girl at a club debuted yesterday.

“I thought it was an incredibly insightful commentary on today’s suffering economy. The subtle reference to Nietzsche really demonstrated his lyrical skill, concern with really deep topics, and how much he’s really learned from his classes at Northwestern. And the way that girl clearly took her makeup cues from Jenna Marbles, I just – it says so much about women’s role in culture these days.”

The Top Ten Things That Make Cobra Lederham’s Day

Consult a doctor immediately if this picture does not warm the frigid cockles of your heart.

Presented herein void of context, editorial insight, or drilldo references.

10.)     Waking up to discover I’ve done my dishes while blacked out – Turns out this maid also cooks great chili and likes to piss on the only rug in my apartment.

9.)       Finding that no one stole my bike and/or bike wheels – Every day is a blessing.

An ode to Northwestern memes

In the great Northwestern University student tradition of never doing anything original ever, we have succeeded in completely ripping off funny Madison students and made our very own Facebook group for Northwestern-themed memes. And even before Madison made their group, Sherman Ave’s very own Evander Jones and Ross Packingham engaged in a daylong meme duel on Facebook, laying waste to the timelines around them with their brutal label-based humor bludgeons. If you were Facebook friends with them and missed out on these two wunderkinds making memes of each other and generally raping newsfeeds everywhere, I feel bad for you. It would be akin to taking Professor Bailey’s Human Sexuality class and skipping the optional after-class discussions.

But even though it’s not original, Northwestern Memes is awesome. I mean, nobody cares if you’re copying someone else as long as you do it better, and we are definitely doing it better. My complete and utter lack of interest in Madison has prevented me from even perusing their meme group, but I can’t imagine it being anywhere as good as Northwestern Memes.

I love memes. Who doesn’t? They’re hilarious. In our modern ADD society, they offer quick, digestible little nuggets of insight and satire about our modern culture. They are the Internet at its greatest, smartest, and funniest. Sometimes they even reference such awesome things as Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, which if you haven’t seen or read Lord of the Rings then you probably aren’t a Nerdwestern Northwestern student.

As a result, I love Northwestern Memes. I’m going to break down why I love Northwestern Memes into a list for you. Here’s why:

1. My last three articles have been thousand-word slogfests about coffee and/or Newt Gingrich, and I’m sure you’re all tired of it.
2. Sherman Ave is even better at doing lists than we are at making YouTube videos that get 10,000 hits in two days, so this is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome.
3. I want to write an easily digestible reflection on the easily digestible nature of memes.

See? Wasn’t that an awesome little list? Wasn’t it easily readable? Yes it was. Everybody loves lists, just like everybody loves memes. So without further ado, here’s a list of why I love Northwestern Memes:

Some of Them are Funny
Since Northwestern is full of people who are smart and aware of trends, some students have significant experience with memes, and it shows. Some of these memes would be genuinely funny even by the standards of the greater Internet, just as there are some students here who would be considered hot at any college. Just not many. Which leads me to my second reason for loving Northwestern Memes…

Some of Them are Spectacularly Unfunny
Yes! Hoo ha! Most people posting pics to this group are clearly making memes for the first time. Thus, we find ourselves faced with people who don’t understand memes, people who don’t understand specific memes, people who are just not funny, and people who are kind of funny but are fitting long-winded jokes onto a small meme template. It’s always fun to watch people fail. This is why everyone loves this year’s GOP presidential race.* What’s that? I sound like a condescending hipster? Well, I’m not the only one…

Meme Haughtiness
Some people hate hipsters. I love them. I find them hilarious, especially when the thing they’re being hipster about is silly and meaningless. Like say, the ability to make memes. Some of the very first posts in Northwestern Memes were warnings about how we were in for a flood of bad memes. And we kind of were…but it was still hilarious that people decided to lord their knowledge of the Internet as if it made them intellectually superior.**

It’s All a Giant Conspiracy
Turns out that all these “___ Memes” groups were started by one guy as an advertisement for an all-encompassing “Campus Memes” website he’s making. It’s a conspiracy! As if you didn’t already have enough reasons to love Northwestern Memes, here’s another: it has something in common with the assassination of JFK!

Ah, yes. But as much as I love Northwestern Memes, I do have one suggestion for improvement. Two words: more fucksaws. The memes are coming a mile a minute now, so maybe one slipped by me, but I have yet to see a single meme mention a single fucksaw. What’s the deal, Northwestern? Jokes about Asians are funny enough, but “I’m tired of talking about fucksaws” was probably the last line cut from the “Shit Nobody Says” video. I know the Keg is gone and Lodge is closed and stuff, but c’mon guys. Fucksaws, I tell you.

Other than that, keep on tracking.

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*Sorry, I just couldn’t stop myself from referencing it. I’m done now though. I promise.
**Morson alert!

Holiday Guide: NU Gift Ideas For Your Favorite Wildcat

A yamaka with Pat Fitzgerald's face on it is also appropriate as a Hanukkah gift

So you’ve got to find gifts for the dorm buddies you’ve known less than four months and the friends you haven’t seen since before you lost your innocence. Or maybe you’ve just gotten your early decision letter* and you’re wondering what else you could possibly want in life. Fear not: Sherman Avenue is committed to delivering you new holiday ideas from our sack full of sassy class.

Fucksaw
Admit it: you have those days. You’re hornier than a two-peckered triceratops, but too tired to go all the way up north to flirt your way into some frat bro’s lovestained man-cave and too classy to booty text your “It’s Complicated” on the fourth floor. Hell, you don’t want to deal with people at all. This is why sex toys exist. Remember: nothing says Wildcat Pride like a decently sized purple drilldo.

A Framed Photo of Yourself
Because who wouldn’t want that? You could even pose like the self-photography of 13-year-old girls whose love for MySpace is only second to love of themselves. If you’re really feeling it, make it a poster — the recipient can put it above their bed and wake up self-gratify themselves to it every morning like they did with their Channing Tatum poster in middle school. But this time, they might even have your fucksaw to help out.

A Framed Photo of Morton Schapiro
See above.

Box O’Fun
Not what it sounds like, and a legit good idea. I’m compiling quotations that are inspiring (“Remember, things are never so bad that they can’t get worse”), dorky (“Is your name Avada Kedavra? Cause you’ve got a killer bod”), mature (“I’M STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU…made you look”) and thoughtful (“Can I borrow your hair straightener?”). I’m putting them with candy in a small tasteful storage container names-in-a-hat style, and instructing my BFF to draw a quotation every time she needs to de-stress or procrastinate.

Gift Card to Burger King
Let’s be real: after Willard dining hall, this is your friend group’s second-most-patronized food acquisition area in Evanston. Late-night drunchies? Weekend Hinman’s too busy? You give someone the gift of free burgers, and they’re gonna use it.

Would you like that gift rapped?

A Frat Bro
So what if your homegirl’s not rushing? You might still consider getting a talented PMA bro to serenade her. May I recommend Flight of The Conchord’s classic ditty, “Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.”** Because sometimes, we all need our fucksaws to have faces.

Cookies
No matter how incredible hot cookie bar can be, nothing compares to homemade peanut blossoms. Nothing.

Another legit idea: “Cookie mix in a jar.” You’ve seen it. Someone gives out a jar/bag/mug of dry ingredients and lets the recipient do the messy work. But it’s cute.

A Stripper
Give me one reason why not. I dare you.

The Love Professor will see you now

Professor J. Reginald Vandernips
Women love him. Men love him. Parents, pets, and children of all ages love him. He knows more about cooking than Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart put together, regularly fielding obscure questions regarding food science and practicing his skills. He’s slept under lecture tables in Tech and licked objects labeled “biohazardous.” If there is one thing on this list that you choose to purchase for your wildcat, let it be Professor Reggie V.

Keep your friends close and your heinousness closer.

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*In which case, CONGRATS!
**Ellie K once had an overnight tryst with a boy who sang her that very song. However, contrary to what one might expect, the full-length serenade did not facilitate the hookup, but rather transpired a significant amount of time later in a location where she was quite literally The Only Girl in the Room. She’s never been quite sure what to make of that.

Hate a Random Country: Brazil

Here at Sherman Ave, we take great pride in our irrational xenophobic rants about seemingly random (yet indisputably heinous) nations. But in light of recent events, we have recently come to believe that Brazil is such a flaming conglomeration of fecal matter of a country that it deserves to be called out as the nation of jackasses it really is. Fuck them.

With God on our side, America conquered

For most of the world, the USA-Brazil Women’s World Cup Game on July 10th, 2011 was their first introduction to how abhorrently vile Brazil is as a nation. The play of the women from the Federative Republic of Brazil, the only country that could possibly be worse than a commonwealth comprised solely of FIFA referees, merely typified the country’s flagrantly inferior and odious nature. Instead of simply bowing down to America’s soccer superiority, even despite the USA Women hailing from a country that follows the sport with slightly more interest than the game of sky ball, the Brazilians instead decided to force the Americans to break out their overflowing reserves of defiance and tenacity in order to give the nation the athletic bitch-slapping it deserved.

In one shocking example of Brazil’s proud spirit of douchiness, Brazilian defender Erika faked an injury with only 6 minutes left in extra time, only to spring off her stretcher once a sufficient amount of time had been sapped from the clock and the crowd was sufficiently convinced of the Samba Queens’ astounding bitchiness (also leaving me wondering that if Brazilian women are so good at faking, then how much have all those sexy Brazilian women I’ve been cavorting with really enjoyed my love-making capabilities?). But Karma is even worse of a tramp than Brazil’s Marta, allowing Abby Wambach and Hope Solo to lead the man-down American team in a glorious come back that prevented the South American nation of 190 million wankers from thinking they were any better than the scum of the earth that they are.

The nations inhabitants, fleeing to a better country where they can make a living outside of the oppressive supermodel industry

But as any Brazilian expert knows, the country’s ass-clown nature extends far beyond the soccer pitch. The nation’s flag, featuring a celestial blue orb inside a yellow rhombus inside a green rectangle, totally blows. A South Sudanese child soldier could have designed a better one for his own fledgling nation. Their President, Dilma Rousseff, is a notorious twatmuffin who reminds me of a combination of Casey Anthony and a drilldo. Other notable fuckballs from the country include soccer superstar Ronaldo and dictator Getùlio Vargas, both of whom were pompous douchebags unworthy of the ground they walked on (they also ended sentences in prepositions to showcase their hubris). Even the country’s language displays Brazil’s absurd awfulness, seeing as Portuguese is really more like drunken Spanish than an actual language of its own.

To be fair, Brazil has produced some good in the world. But besides Brazilian waxing and Adriana Lima, I’m kind of drawing blanks. Otherwise, Brazil is nothing more than a country of dickwads determined to ruin the rest of the world and the 2016 Olympic games with their crime, poverty, and Jersey-like levels of shittiness.

UPDATE: We have recently been notified that, besides producing Brazilian waxing and Adriana Lima, Brazil was also responsible for producing the magnificent wonder that is Chenny Ng, hosting Ms. Ng for an important duration of her formative years. Sherman Ave regrets this error, as Chenny is quite possibly one of the greatest humans in the world, and can guarantee that whoever was responsible for this heinous mistake has been punished accordingly.

7 Movies That (sadly) Never Came to Fruition

As everybody knows, Hollywood is a restless hotbed of individual creativity. Unfortunately, some of the works of genius created by screenwriters never get turned into movies, a tragedy of the highest proportions. After extensive research, we have recently unearthed seven different scripts for movies that never quite made it to the box office, even though they totally should have.

7. Soul Patch

"That's the last flavor your chin will ever savor"

Apache Indian Harry Smoothface, tormented by the hair-owing realities of the modern world, finally has had enough. In order to wreak his revenge on American society (specifically targeting jazz musicians and TAs), Smoothface brutally scalps the soul patches from every victim he encounters. Starring Will Sampson (Chief Bromden from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), this movie would totally have grabbed you by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin. Screenplay written by Dan Wonk and Calvin Streit, the same creative masterminds behind the thriller Death Perception, an action movie about the adventures of a one-eyed hitman for the mafia. Also keep a look out for Soul Patch‘s sequel, Soul Patch 2: Back on the Patch.

6. Casablumpkin

"I'll make it easier for you. Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor."

1 man. 1 consenting woman. 1 toilet. What better way to start the beginning of a beautiful friendship? Set for filming in the early 50s, the thriller Casablumpkin combined action and romance to have you on the edge of your seat all night.

5. PROFESSOR BAILEY or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Fucksaw
Kubrick’s dark comedy exploring the absurd circumstances leading up to that catastrophic event. Set in black and white, the film would star comedic icon Peter Sellers, who would play the roles of Professor Bailey, President Schapiro, Faith Kroll, appalled student #2, Sean Lavery, and the drilldo. Unfortunately, Kubrick decided at the last minute that Professor Bailey wasn’t nearly twisted enough, and proceeded to make the lighthearted romp A Clockwork Orange instead.

"Hell is other people."

4. Crime and Punishment
Production for this Michael Bay film, starring Mark Wahlberg as an impoverished BU student and Matt Damon as a corrupt Boston Cop, had nearly began until Bay found out that the script had already been written by some Russian asshole. Unfazed, Bay is reportedly in talks with French screenwriter Sartre for the naming rights to his next blockbuster film, No Exit, a film starring Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis as three wrongfully convicted felons trying to escape the Louisiana prison “L’enfer.”

Don't fuck with this suffragist

3. Breaking Baaaaaaaad
Smart and sexy international spy Frances Willard must infiltrate the stronghold of the evil Shepard Residential College and foil their nefarious plot for campus-wide domination. Guest starring Master Morson, Eleanor, CSOs Patrick and Joel, Katia Bowers, Taiyo Sogawa, Gabe Bergado, and Katie Chilton as Willard’s hearty gang of affable misfits who transform into one cohesive unit over the course of the film.

2. The Room II: Revenge of Johnny
Johnny’s ghost returns to San Francisco to torment all those who wronged him during his lifetime. Lisa is attacked with animated spoons, that one random drug dealer is brought to justice, and Mark learns football. The sequel died in pre-production due to concerns voiced by writer, director, producer, and main actor Tommy Wiseau that the plot was “too straightforward and logical.”

This flag means so much to so many people

1. Alpha Delta
Acclaimed director Alexander Waldman’s planned documentary delves into the layers of mystery surrounding the world’s most prestigious frority, in an attempt to determine how it evolved from a loose coalition of Northwestern friends into a social group that places its members in some of the most high-profile positions around the world. Learn more about its shadowy founders and leaders, and be shocked by the revelation of which contemporary figures belong to this badass institution (including a Congressman caught in the throes of a sex scandal, 3 New York Knicks cheerleaders, a professor at Harvard, 2 convicted art thiefs, and one People’s Sexiest Man 3 times running).

For Whom the Fucksaw Drilldos

It is oddly refreshing to not have to hyperbolize a situation in order to bring out its humor. The recent events surrounding Professor John Michael Bailey, his Human Sexuality course, and one high-powered sex toy has become a comedic gift that keeps on giving.

More sex-machine than sex-toy

Thanks to the Daily Northwestern’s article published last Tuesday, the incident, which occurred on February 21st, has once more thrust Northwestern University into the national spotlight.

The optional presentation last Monday, attended by about 120 students, featured a naked non-student woman being repeatedly sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm by the sex toy, referred to as a “fucksaw.” The device is essentially a motorized phallus.

The presentation on kink and fetish was one of numerous optional after-lecture sessions in Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, which repeatedly penetrates the depths of human sexuality in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of the human condition. In an attempt to prove that the female orgasm was a real phenomenon (a worthy goal, considering that no woman has ever experienced a true orgasm until she spends a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Sherman Ave resident sexpert Norman Stein), the presenters Jim Marcus, Faith Kroll, and Ken Melvoin-Berg did what any reasonable human being would do in the situation:

Marcus pulled out a mechanized power tool with a dildo in place of the saw, and began going to town on his naked fiance Kroll in front of about 120 psych students, all while Melvoin-Berg loudly narrated into the microphone. Friend of the Ave Sean Lavery, who witnessed the event, said, “It shocked me. Immediately I got on Facebook. Like, wow, there’s a girl being penetrated right in front of me.” Lucky Sean.

Jim Marcus and Faith Kroll, presumably after a routine fucksawing

Ever since the Daily Northwestern published its article about the incident, the national news media has gotten more stirred up about it than a roomful of randy archaeologists watching pterodactyl porn (Google it if you must. We’ve ruffled too many feathers to worry about linking to porn on this website as well). While local reporters swarmed into Evanston, national publications like Newsweek, Gawker, Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, and even the BBC ran articles about the demonstration in Bailey’s class. Not bad for a school whose past national scandals include drunk undergrads yelling at bible-thumpers about bl**jobs, blackface Halloween parties, and Chet Haze.

According to Professor Bailey,

“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but watching naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you.”

Watching naked people on stage might not hurt you, but getting fired sure can

He may not rhyme, he might claim that transgender men are driven by erotic fascination rather than biological desire, and he did allow for a woman to be repeatedly penetrated by a fucksaw on the same stage that Professor Morson uses for to lecture on Tolstoy and that multiple performance groups use for shows. But he never crossed a line, although he did walk right up the line and shake his ridiculous motorized sex toy at it. In a class devoted to educating students on the whole spectrum of human sex, how can an optional post-lecture session that is no less graphic than certain visual components of Bailey’s class be viewed as harmful?

Still, it’s pretty hilarious that a chick got drilldo’d live on stage.