Wimbledon Drinking Game

Wait. Tennis looks fun.

Despite the great weather in Chicago following the Blackhawks rally, citizens are filled with an inner gloom due to the lack of worthy sports teams to cheer for.* What are we supposed to do, watch the U.S. Women’s Golf Open? Turn on any golf tournament and I bet you’re asleep in 15 minutes. Too bad there’s no Olympics this year….but wait! Remember that one time you actually watched tennis during the Olympics because AMERICA! ? Through your series of U-S-A chants and shots of UV Blue taken from your red solo cups, you were probably amazed by the fact tennis can be played on grass. Well, guess what. There’s a tournament on those awesome grass courts every year! It’s called The Championships, or more commonly Wimbledon, and it is amazing. If watching tennis is only your thing during the Olympics, let me help make it your thing as Wimbledon enters its second week with ALCOHOL. That’s right–I present to you the very first “The Blackhawks Rally is Over and Now I’m Forced to Watch Tennis Drinking Game”.

The Ultimate Arrested Development Drinking Game

Lol this makes up for the drones lol!!

For our generation, this is the big one. It’s the day we’ve been told we would never see, the day we never truly dared to believe in: the day that Arrested Development returns. And now, it’s the day that is upon us.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that to not celebrate the return of the Bluths would be to make a huge mistake, so we’re here to help. There are several keys to appropriately celebrating the occasion– not the least of which is attempting to host an intervention or putting up celebration banner– but the most important thing is to follow this handy little drinking game so that you 1) appreciate all the #funny jokes that Arrested has to offer and 2) git DRUNKZZI.

What you’ll need: Several beers or mixed drinks, a Netflix account, for it to be sometime after 2am CT on Sunday.

Rules: Drink anytime the game says to. You’d think Maeby we wouldn’t need this section, but you’d Shirley be surprised.

Why? Because you have a problem.

Take one drink anytime:

• The stair car is seen or referred to
• Gob says “C’mon!”
• Gob tries to do a trick an allusion. Take a second sip if he is anything close to successful. Like, not if he actually is successful, just if you can kind of tell where he was going with the whole thing.
• Steve Holt says his name
• Lucille has a drink in her hand
• Annyong exists
• Anyone says “hayyyy brother”
• The banana stand is shown or alluded to
• Someone tries to escape from the police
• “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
• Jean jhorts are shown
• Franklin appears. Two sips is Gob forgets to move Franklin’s mouth when he speaks.
• Lucille winks
• Buster has a juice box
• The cornballer is shown or alluded to. Two drinks if anyone is burned by it.
• Stan Sitwell appears on screen
• Lindsay protests a thing
• Anyone gets a freebie

Maeby she won’t, but then again Maeby she will.

Take two drinks anytime:

• Plain Egg Her? Ann is shown on screen
• Cloudmir vodka is shown, advertised or alluded to
• Look, banner!
• Tobias is gay
• Touching is either banned or encouraged
• There is sexual tension between George Michael and Maeby
• The chicken dance is done. Take a third drink if anyone is close to impersonating a chicken. Again, not if they’re successful in acting like a chicken, just if you think to yourself, “Oh, I’d imagine that at some point in the course of Earth’s history, a chicken may have done something almost similar to that.”
• That fucking doctor is the fucking worst
• That one cop comes in late with a club
• Gob is forced to watch his parents have sex (Editor’s Note: we’re beginning to see why this show was cancelled.)
• Seth Rogen
• KRISTEN WIIG
• A segway is used or shown
• Anyone is on a boat
• Tobias and Ellen’s Lover Lindsay try to make their marriage work
• Bob Loblaw appears on screen. Take a third drink if Bob Loblaw is working on Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog.
• Lucille doesn’t care for Gob
• Stan Sitwell loses his wig or eyebrows or really any hair
• BOYFIGHTS
• Gene Parmesan surprises Lucille with a wildly convincing costume

Finish your drink anytime:

• There is sexual contact between George Michael and Maeby.* If Pete Rose is used to illustrate such contact, find a funnel and buttchug your drink.
• Carl Weathers appears
• Buster is a monster
• “Marry me!”
• The Funkes allude to a questionable pharmaceutical
• Ron Howard criticizes someone else’s narration

*For those confused on the definition of sexual contact, I’m sure your 8th grade Health teacher has some helpful VHS tapes for you.

The Official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game

Finish the keg if that’s your dad.

It is officially Wednesday of Spring Break, and that means that, if you are having a good old staycation, you have been sober for far too long. That’s why Sherman Ave is here to make this Spring Break more fun for you with our official Sherman Ave Spring Break Drinking Game! Because, as they say, if you can’t be on vacation for Spring Break, get drunk!

Take one shot anytime one of the following happens:
Every time you find yourself watching an episode of Law and Order SVU
Every time a friend snapchats you a picture from an exotic place
Every time someone asks you what you are doing this year/summer/with your life
Every time you suspect you are the oldest person in a given establishment
Every time your parents ask you if you are seeing someone at school
Every time you finish a pint of ice cream
Every time you get roped into doing chores for your Mom
Every time you fall asleep before 11pm
Every time you watch The Game Show Network by choice
Every time you tell a story about school and omit how drunk/high you were
Every four-hour period you go without wearing pants
Every time you convince your parents to let you drink with dinner
Every time your pale, winter-quarter glow scares someone from home
Every time you revisit The Sims and make them Woo-hoo
Every time you see a FreeCreditReport.com commercial

TWO SHOT BONUSES FOR THE FOLLOWING:
If you realize the closest pot dealer to your house is a junior in high school
If you manage to hook up with the only other person home for spring break at the same time
If you can successfully avoid putting any effort into anything over the week of Spring Break

-Sloppy Burnside

The Top 20 Ways to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day at the Library

Follow this list until the Catholic guilt is too much to handle.

1. Read an article about religious sectarian violence on JSTOR
Curse like an Irishman every time Northwestern logs you out.

2. Do an Econometrics problem set
Congratulations! You’re receiving the education that eluded the 1/8th of your ancestors who endured brutal ethnocentrism in the streets of America!

3. Work on your 25-page paper you should have started in mid-February for your research seminar, “Gender and Sexuality during the Irish Potato Famine”
It’s only a matter of time until “Irish Studies” becomes an official major.

The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Town Hall Edition

Well, democracy is back in action tomorrow night, and as such you will likely want to cry a lot about all of the things. But you should not do that. Instead, you should do what I do when I feel sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story!

You know how you can be awesome (besides applying to write for The Ave)? By playing fun games with us. This fun game is funner than most fun games because it involves the drinks! So sit on down, grab a beverage, turn on the debate, play The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game, and pretend you have a friend.

THIS MUTHAFUCKAS NAME IS MITT.

Take one sip every time…

• Obama brings up the 47% video. Take two sips if he’s obviously really proud of himself for remembering to bring up Romney’s biggest gaffe this time around.
• Romney shouts “JUST LIKE LAST TIME, BITCH” after every zinger.
• Either candidate says “middle class,” “unemployment,” “economy,” “Libya,” “labia,” “Iraq,” “hein-daddy,” “taxes,” “Kim Kardashian,” “hard-working,” “butt-chugging,” “failure,” “turnaround,” “recovery,” “recovering alcoholic,” or “America.”
• Obama chugs a Red Bull.
• Romney responds to a question by playing a clip of the last debate on his iPad. Waterfall if after he exits out of the video everyone can see desktop background and it’s a picture of a scantily-clad Michelle Obama and then everyone’s like, “SAY WHAAA NOW??”
• An audience member asking a question looks like they just shat themselves a lot.
• The grammar in an audience member’s question makes you want to punch the young children.
• Obama criticizes Romney’s record at Bain Capital. Two sips if Romney responds by making it rain.
• Either millionaire on stage explains how they too were once one of The Poors.

Take one gulp every time…

Excuse me, my sunglasses are UP HERE.

• The cameraman finds a hot girl in a halter-top in the bleachers to show instead of the game.
• Obama and Romney talk over each other.
• Romney talks about Paul Ryan, or Obama avoids talking about Joe Biden.
• Romney flips. Two gulps when he flops.
• Obama takes a nap at the podium.
• Romney asks is he has a “phone a friend” option and tries to call Sheldon Adelson. Two gulps if Adelson makes him clarify that Romney is an “employee” not a “friend.”

Finish that drank every time…

• The audience breaks into a flash mob to “I Want Candy” and lol this whole election was actually part of an elaborate gag to throw a surprise birthday party for debate moderator Candy Crowley and I think it worked haha she looks so surprised!!!
• Obama orders a drone strike on every state Mitt Romney claims he’s from.
• Romney buys the White House.
• Donald Trump is mentioned.
• Obama brings Biden in to celeb shot the answer to an abortion question.

Pour your drink all over your face and let it drip slowly down your chest every time…

• The candidates shake hands. DO IT.

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Like us on The Book for more of The Heinous, and follow us on Twitter for a live tweet of the debate!

The Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game

OH, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. OOOH-OOOOH, LIVIN ON A MEDISCARE. Get it? Like Medicare, but scary cause Paul Ryan wants to kill all old people! Hahahaha!

But seriously, congratulations on making it halfway through the conventions. That’s quite a feat, but we still have the Democratic Convention to get through. And, thanks to Obamacare, you are now required to drink any time you watch anything. Look it up, it’s in there.

Will the posters say “Probably above average” this time?

The Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game

Convention season is upon us! With the Republican convention scheduled to start on Monday, August 27, Tuesday, August 28, and the Democrats to follow the next week,  it’s time to figure out how exactly we can get through these quadrennial public meltdowns of our political climate.

It appears that there are three options: 1) become exceedingly intoxicated, 2) properly hydrate, or 3) pray for Paul Ryan’s abs to make an appearance. Here at The Ave, we’ve got you covered on all fronts! Our Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game, if played with an alcoholic beverage, will probably get you ham faced. If played with water or a sports drink, you will find yourself in a healthy state of hydration. And if played properly, you should be hoping for a shirtless Paul Ryan at all turns.

So cuddle up in your Red Room of Pain, turn on the TV, grab a beverage and begin openly weeping:

“Ha! Ha! Gaze over yonder, there appears to be an impoverished fellow!”

1) Any time a Republican claims that they or someone “DID build” something, take a sip.

2) Any time a simple Google search shows that the government aided in the building of that thing, take another sip.

3) If Donald Trump “fires” an Obama impersonator, refuse to drink because Donald Trump is a racist and we wouldn’t want our brains to form an association between racism and alcohol.

4) Any time you imagine Chris Christie shirtless, chug your drink.

5) To actually get drunk, any time you imagine Paul Ryan shirtless, take a sip and excuse yourself to your room for two and a half minutes.

6) Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Taxpayer Subsidized Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.

Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board

7) If any speaker says “funemployed,” shotgun your drink.

8) If Todd Akin appears, throw your drink at the TV and get a new one.

9) If you make it through Tim Pawlenty’s speech without falling asleep, take a celebratory shot.

10) If the commentators point out that Artur Davis was a co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign, take a sip. If they fail to point this out an appropriate time, chug your drink.

11) If any speaker criticizes Obama for his handling of the bin Laden raid, drink half of your drink.

If the audience stages a mass Newsweek burning, chug.

12) For every fifth time the word “taxes” is mentioned, take a sip (see the Taxometer™ below).
The Sherman Ave Taxometer™: Check every time “tax” is said: __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __

13) If the convention is delayed by Hurricane Isaac, take a sip every time Pat Robertson could be mentioned but is not. If the entire convention is canceled, buy a case of High Life, drink it all, and save the tops to return for their donation to the vets.

UPDATE: The convention has been delayed until Tuesday, and I’ve only heard one Pat Robertson joke so far. Waterfall, ya’ll!

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To stay updated when we release our Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game, check out our Facebook Page.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Res College Power Rankings

Well camouflaged into the surrounding sorority habitat.

Residential Colleges at Northwestern are designed to enrich the intellectual, cultural, and social lives of their students by extending the learning environment from the classroom to extracurricular life. Essentially, a res college is a dorm filled with like-minded nerds and future friends you’ll spend the next couple of years drinking, arguing, and (for the truly venturous souls) hooking upwith.

Drive Slow, Homie: A guide to the Chicago EL

The El: Chicago’s third least convenient way to get around.

Why did you to come to Northwestern? “To have access to the amazing city of Chicago,” of course! So you told Aunt Sally and your friends as you bid adieu to your suburb in California/Illinois/New York/Texas/Florida. Arriving in Heavanston you began soaking up the wonderful amenities college-friendly Evanston offers, The Keg, no-ID BYOB restaurants, multi-student homes/brothels and Burger King. But after months, or perhaps years, of frat-hopping and Taco Bell blundering you may reflect on your time at Northwestern and realize Chicago has played only a fraction of the part you envisioned it would as a prospy.

What’s kept you cooped up in the Easy-E? Afraid of the trip into the city aboard the Elevated? Never fear, with this guide to public transit in Chicago you’ll be visiting the equally-crowded Lincoln Park Cozy Noodles in a jiffy, and enjoying your time to get there.

The everything EL guide

How to steal a map
You’ve seen them in dorms and apartments and now you want a piece of Chicago for yourself to pin on your wall next to your Nickelback poster. Worried you’ll get caught? First, consider what the typical Chicagoan will witness aboard the El (see: Dealing with Crazies). Now consider well-dressed, inebriated you (see: Boozing Aboard). The Chicagoan will be delighted you aren’t asking them for money, selling them your invention, enlightening them about a conspiracy, or peeing yourself. So be confident. Still worried? Board the Purple Line North of Noyes between 12 and 2am.

Boozing Aboard
This may be the mostcritical step to enjoying your El ride. Save your Norbucks cup and mix yourself something with a kick. Food and drink aren’t allowed aboard the El, however, so be a doll and don’t spill.

Are you an old-timer with these tricks? Why not try spicin’ it up with an original El drinking game, perhaps? Ideas include drinking whenever someone makes a statement to the train car as a whole, drinking whenever the conductor plays the “doors are closing” message more than once, and drinking at every hilarious stop name (i.e. Jarvis, Bryn Mawr, Argyle, 69^th).

El surf
While the Midwest Coast may not offer the salty, shark-infested waters of the Atlantic and Pacific, Chicago does offer a sizable alternative, 20 feet in the air. Assuming you’re properly boozed, simply stand up while the train is stopped and plant a wide stance. Get the attention of the entire car, because what you’re about to do is really cool. Now continue standing, and continue doing so as the El moves and world starts turning. You’ve done it. Then get off the floor and try it again. Insiders tip: the best waves aren’t on the Red and Purple lines. Try Blue instead, it’s faster and with less frequent stops.

You also receive ten points per stop for holding eye contact with a perfect stranger.

Dealing with Crazies
In the course of human events you will meet some incredibly strange people, and most of these will likely occur aboard public transportation. This however, is not a deterrent, but rather an opportunity. Take the time to speak with the urban cowboy determined to set the record straight on “who was here first”, or the gentleman who promises you that when the rich folks get enough money, they’ll put Congress on the moon and enslave you. Even the guy with plastic guitar in the subway deserves to be heard.

Perhaps these lessons will not be taught through Northwestern’s traditional and close-minded curriculum, however they are worth considering and subsequently tweeting. So elevate your mind.

ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS THE SOLUTION: How to Make Registration Less Mentally Taxing

Die, you sick fuck.

It’s that time of the year again, the moment we all dread more than walking in on our roommate watching Hulu naked yet again. No, not another music video released by Chet Haze. NO, not another degrading week-long fraternity event. N0O, not time for another Markwell-themed campaign. GOOD GOD, PEOPLE, I’M TALKING ABOUT CLASS REGISTRATION.

Valid blanket statement: WE ALL HATE CAESAR. It is a registration site designed to make everyone want to drop out and cry. However, if you’d rather kill yourself slowly, there are always options.

Whenever I am upset and want to kill myself slowly, I turn to one of three things:

1. Drinking wine
2. Drinking beer
3. Drinking hard alcohol

Due to the fact that CAESAR is a devil designed specifically to shit on every Northwestern student’s academic life, I have created a practical and supportive way to deal with registration:

The CAESAR Registration Drinking Game

• Your registration time:
  – If your registration time is at or before 11, take 238,474 shots and die because everyone hates you.
  – If your registration time is between 11 and 3, take a shot of a liquor of your choice. Have fun finding soley middle-of-the-road classes to sign up for.
  – If your registration time is after 3, take a shot of Skol. It has to be Skol because it is miserable and you will be too once you attempt to find an available class, only to realize all that’s left is fucking Baroque Art.
• The actual registration process:
  – Slap the bag in celebration of every class you successfully get into without CAESAR trying to screw you up the ass. 30 seconds per class, or longer if you can handle it (in which case I am positive we are soul mates).
  – Shotgun a beer every time you try to sign up for a class, everything seems to be going smoothly, and BAM… You can’t sign up for this class because it conflicts with another. Again, CAESAR has come up from behind and gotten the best of you.
  – Take a pull from a handle (screw classiness, you self-righteous fuck) every time you have to put yourself on the waitlist and email a professor begging to take his class. Getting on your knees for school is never an attractive option, and neither is taking a pull from a handle. Sack up.
  – Find a roof and jump off of it every time you accidentally hit the back arrow and it takes you all the way back to the CAESAR home page. I know swan diving off the NMQ roof seems like your only option every time this happens – I speak from experience.
• 

  WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR!

  Your final schedule:
  – If you’re one of those people who takes 5+ classes just for shits and giggles…. Get the fuck out. Seriously. Leave. I got 99 problems and 3 of them are classes that I can’t register for because you’re taking them for “fun.”
  – If you are a part-time student for no other reason than you felt like it, drink. Drink everything. Take advantage of this glorious opportunity and have no shame. (On a side note, if someone could please explain what it means to have “shame,” I would forever be grateful)
  – If you have no classes on Fridays (or Tuesdays, or practically any other day of the week) so you’re able to rage the night before, take a shot of your favorite alcohol because you deserve it, you lucky bastard.
  – If you post your schedule on Facebook, take a double shot and mentally prepare yourself. Your creepy ass stalker from that sketchy fraternity is about to register for as many of your discussion sections as humanly possible. Nice work.

According to a survey of 50,000 imaginary human beings, drinking relieves all stress and solves every single one of your problems. Therefore, this drinking game is the perfect solution to your CAESAR registration woes. Good luck, and for your sake I hope there are no 9 a.m. classes left. Spend your money on alcohol rather than books and your future will look bright… I swear.