It’s Not Alcoholism until You Graduate, According to Twelfth-Year Senior

(via Shutterstock)

According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”

Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”

A Message to the Northwestern Student on Finals’ Week

Halfway through a shot of Everclear, I stared into the abyss of a party and watched as a group of stressed, overworked students went balls-to-the-wall for one last Saturday night before bunkering down the next day to study for finals.

It was a curious night. Yes, there were some couples dabbling in the art of rigorous over-the-pants hand jobs on the dance floor. Yes, there was a girl who

No One Sure Why They Went to The Deuce Last Night

EVANSTON – Faced with the throbbing psychological pain of a punishing 10 AM alarm on Friday morning, sources confirmed earlier today that not a single person on Northwestern University’s campus could provide an explanation of why they had gone to the Mark II Lounge the previous night.

Alternate slogan: “Ruining dreams since forever.” (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Most students reported that they wished fiery, bloody destruction on the Deuce and all of its owners, employees and patrons.

If Ernest Hemingway Went Through Sorority Recruitment

I stood in line in front of the house with the others. It was a little too cold outside. On all sides of the quad, there were similar lines to get into similar houses. The houses along the sides of the quad were long and white. The railings were coated with frost and the awnings sagged under the weight of the snow. My RC brought me into the house.

“This is Ernest,” she said, introducing me to a sister.

“Hi Ernest! Welcome to Pi Gamma Tau. It’s nice to meet you.”

The 5 Types of People You’ll See at The One High School Party You Reluctantly Attended Over Break

You’re back in the warm bosom of your childhood home, and, as much as you’d like to curl up in a corner and revert to being the antisocial nerd you were in high school, you need to socialize… at some point. And shower. You really need to shower. Your best friend, being the great guy or gal that they are, isn’t going to let you spend this break hiding out with your cat. So here you are, a reluctant attendee at a party with all of the people from your high school you

Top Places to Hang Out with Your High School Friends over Winter Break

It’s finally winter break — a chance to relax, finish up the new Netflix series you weren’t supposed to start watching until after finals week, and reunite with old high school friends. You haven’t seen these guys in less than a month, so it’s important that you spend the valuable time you have together doing a variety of fun bonding activities that will give you plenty of time to catch up with one another on the exciting events that surrounded your reading and finals weeks. Here are a few of the places that may help along the bromancing (or homancing).

Point/Counterpoint: I’ve Decided to Stop Drinking vs. WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS?!?

Point

I’ve Decided To Stop Drinking

by Kevin Greenberg

I think I’ve reached my limit. It’s been a fun ride but it’s time the rubber hits the road and I curb my drinking. I know I’m going to miss going downtown on Saturdays and hanging with Greg on Thirsty Thursdays, but I just don’t have time for that kind of stuff anymore. I’m finishing up my senior year and I know it’s time to buckle down to make sure I’m ready to graduate and get a job.

The years really have flown by. One night you go to bed at 5 a.m., a freshman with nothing to lose, and the next morning you wake up at 8 a.m., a senior about to step into the real world. It really hits you hard.

This Is Sober Privilege

Mmmmmm privilege

Throughout my collegiate career, I have often noticed sober people’s unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged, even though they may grant that drunk people are disadvantaged in society. While they may support assisting drunks and drunk rights, sobers often deny that they, as sobers, gain advantages from drunks’ disadvantages. These denials protect sober privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended. Sober people are taught to see their lives as normal, neutral, and average, and also ideal, so that when they work to benefit others it is seen as work that will allow “them” (drunks) to be more like “us” (sobers).

Q&A — Religious Student Explains One of Life’s Mysteries: Going Out Sober

As a fundamentalist Christian, every time I go out, I have to feign interest as y’all slur together pathetic attempts at almost-sentences in an effort to conduct “small talk.”

Well, I quit.

Sherman Ave Goes One Full Month Without Mayor Tisdahl-Themed Column

EVANSTON, Ill. – As of noon local time today, local college-based humor site and Northwestern cultural touchstone Sherman Ave has not published an article about Elizabeth Tisdahl on its page for one entire month – the longest amount of time ever between Tisdahl-themed articles.

The website, founded by Evander Jones in 2010 that has amassed nearly