Tag Archives: Dryer

Student Excited to Return Home to Completely Sentient Laundry Machine

14 Dec

Levey’s washer-dryer unit, in “midwestern white” paint scheme

NAPERVILLE, Ill. – Upon the completion of his winter exams, sources reported that Northwestern student Alex Levey (Weinberg, ’17) was incredibly excited about the prospect of returning home to his father; younger sister; and completely mobile, breathing, and absolutely sentient two-in-one washer-dryer unit.

“Man, I’ve just missed it so much,” Levey commented, “The washers and dryers at college are just shit.  But at my house, not only does my washer-dryer clean my clothes for free, but it also makes me lunch and dinner too.

“I don’t know how I’d get my clothes clean at home without it.”

Levey’s 1961 washer-dryer model, which is voice activated, is also able to gather the clothing from the floor of Levey’s bedroom, Levey’s bathroom, or wherever else Levey may choose to leave his dirty laundry.  Additionally, the model has the ability to clean dirty dishes; shop for groceries; and create human life within itself from only a small splattering of white gunk, nurture, feed, and protect that life inside itself for months, and then remove the watermelon-sized vessel of vitality from itself through a hole slightly smaller than a walnut.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: A Step-By-Step Guide to Your Laundry

25 Aug
Try not to think of everybody and their pledge mom hooking up on this.

Try not to think of everybody and their pledge mom hooking up on these.

Listen up. If you’re over 18 and your mommy still does your laundry, you’ve probably realized by now that you’re going to be SOL in the big scary world.  Hey, it’s okay – at some point in your life, Momma stopped brushing your teeth, washing your hair, wiping your ass, and all the other things that kept you fresh-smelling and somewhat socially acceptable.[1] You’re gonna learn to do laundry on your own, too, because the ability to remove Svedka and BO from your clothes is a basic function of self-sufficiency and personal hygiene.

So you’ve taken the first step and decided you don’t want to grow up to be Buster Bluth. But if you ask your friends how to do laundry, they WILL remember for the next four years[2] and they will tell the hotties at da club and the hotties at da club will think you’re a pampered dumbfuck (you might be) and YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID. So here’s your (mostly) shame-free guide to being the independent fucking human you are expected to be in higher education.

Before you start, plan accordingly.

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