Sherman Ave Goes Global!

We would like to cordially invite Greenland to suck the fattest dick on the planet.

This is a map of Sherman Ave’s global reach. The countries that are filled in with color have viewed Sherman Ave at least once (obviously, it is the country as a whole viewing it together as part of a ceremony, and not one single person arbitrarily browsing the Internet for fucksaw videos). The color-coding isn’t especially relevant to viewership; it represents the general greatness of the country, judged on the traditional scale of 1 to 32,524.

As part of a marketing effort, we’re making attempts to analyze these global trends of viewership to figure out how we can broaden our appeal, and in all our gratitude and kindness, we’ve decided to show our strategies to you, our dickholders shareholders (remember the other night, when you had one too many and bought $50,000 worth of stock in a blog that doesn’t yet run its own advertisements?).

Let’s start with North America. We’re clearly getting a considerable amount of views from Canada, United States, and Mexico. This is probably due largely to a few shady deals we made in the 1990s when NAFTA was being drafted, shortly after Al Gore invented the Internet.

Even in Central America, some of the rural fruit farmers have found their way onto our joyous blog.* Yes, it may have something to do with the fact that we’ve been actively trading arms to the Sandinistas over the last few years to cover Sherman Ave’s fixed production costs (Miller High Life and Flaming Hot Cheetos), but we also like to think that we’ve managed to score some views in Costa Rica by casually ranting about how much we hate their country.

One of our Brazilian readers, vicariously feeling our sadness at the revocation of The Keg's liquor license

In South America, you may notice that all countries have some level of viewership of Sherman Ave. I know, you might be thinking, “What about French Guiana, Suriname, and Guyana?” In response: Those piece-of-shit countries are not real countries. French Guiana is a territory of France (If the UN Security Council was the Jackson 5, France would be Tito), Suriname’s primary language is Dutch (apparently Dutch is a language?), and Guyana is known best for mass suicide. Although we didn’t get a high quantity of views from countries like Argentina and Brazil, we feel safe in assuming that the views we did came from hot Brazilian models, the Argentinian soccer team, and the corpse of Eva Peron.

Moving onto Europe, you’ll see that we have almost absolute viewership in Europe. This is quite a shocking insight for us; we didn’t realize our writing style crafted such a strong appeal to metrosexual chain-smokers who do nothing but listen to house music and get bailed out by the United States in world wars. Strangely, though, it does seem that there is a small void in Moldova, where the few Internet users are presumably brainstorming ways to make their country relevant and/or dying in abject poverty.

Asia provides arguably the most surprising statistics. Judging from the fact that a) we’ve had no viewers in Yemen or Oman, and b) we’ve gone 1 for 7 with countries ending in “-stan,” our sweeping campaign to appeal to Muslim Internet users has failed unequivocally. We hope to remedy this by expanding our content to be more culturally friendly; in the future, expect continuations of current article series, such as “Point/Counterpoint: Qu’ran vs. Koran,” “Freshman Guide: Finding A Mosque in Evanston,” and “An Open Letter Non-apology to American Automobile Owners.”

Our efforts in Africa, on the other hand, appear to have been successful beyond our wildest dreams. As you can see, we’ve gotten views from every Internet user on the continent.**

No luck with Papua New Guinea, though. We’re discussing the launch of a subsidiary blog called “Pygmy Ave.”

 

*“Rural Fruit Farmer” is incidentally the name of Clay Aiken’s next album.
**We’re assuming the penguins from the movie “Madagascar” haven’t yet figured out how to use the Internet.

Hate a Random Country: Uruguay

The only thing that burns brighter than that sun is my hatred for this worthless excuse of a country

There are 12 nations in South America, and all of them are heinous. But there is one country whose unfathomable taintery exceeds even the regional standard. I’m looking at you, Uruguay. First of all, the stupid bastards broke the cardinal rule of country naming: Never use more than two U’s. Even those scrotum-headed assmuffins in Vanuatu figured that one out. Yet, the unforgivable frequency of that obnoxious vowel pales in comparison to the other obscene actions of Uruguay. In this educational essay, I will unveil just a few of Uruguay’s fatal flaws.

American are constitutionally obligated to not give a shit about soccer, but even we know you can't do that.

To find an instance of flagrant bitchdom perpetrated on behalf of the Uruguayan wasteland, we need not look back more than a year. In July 2010, Uruguay competed against Ghana in the quarterfinal round of the World Cup. The game stood at a 1-1 tie in overtime when Uruguayan Luis Suarez – a notorious twatpocket – used his hands to deflect a shot that would undoubtedly have gone in otherwise. Obviously, Suarez was given a red card for his blatant assholiness, and Ghana was allowed a penalty kick, but the penalty kick hit the crossbar, and Uruguay proceeded to score the go-ahead goal and advance to the next round. Thanks to the scarce forces of karma in the universe, Uruguay received a brisk pimp-slapping from the Aryan, dreamsicle-donning Dutch national team, but that doesn’t change the fact that Uruguay’s soccer team pulled one of the most pronounced dick-moves the world has ever seen. Yes, winning is good – but if you cheat, you’re not a winner. And if you cheat against Ghana, you’re just a complete cockfiend. The American soccer team was kind enough even to let Ghana win, because Americans are classy. If they had so desired, the American team could have handed the sub-Saharan nation the largest helping of ruthless beat-down that they’ve seen since – well, probably fairly recently. But a large helping of ruthless beat-down nonetheless. Uruguay should have certainly followed us down the high road, but instead, they decided to be raging doucheaholics.

Let's talk when your coat of arms doesn't look like a 6th grade social studies project

Another aspect of Uruguay that is intolerably bitchtastic is their coat of arms. If you’ve read my rant on the inherent inadequacy of Latvia, you probably think I’m hypercritical when it comes to Coat of Arms. Maybe this is true, but it’s not my fault that most coats of arms resemble the doodles of a mentally handicapped chimpanzee. Uruguay’s coat of arms depicts, among other things, a shield with four images. The first is a set of scales – an image that traditionally symbolizes justice, but in the case of Uruguay, just symbolizes the fact that they haven’t yet invented electric scales there. The next image on the shield is a castle on a hill hovering over a sea. I feel like there’s little to say about this, only that a coat of arms should contain items that are real. The American coat of arms, for instance, displays an eagle – an animal that’s pretty goddamn real (although not as frequently encountered as the Awk Hawk). The last two pictures on the shield are of a black horse and a brown cow – cool story. It looks like Uruguay – like most countries – has plagued itself with a coat of arms as unimpressive as Michele Bachmann at… well, anywhere.

In conclusion, it is imperative that we maintain the lowest possible level of respect for the nation known as the Oriental Republic of Uruguay. No, that is not a joke or a poorly construed racial slur – that is actually the country’s full name. It only makes sense, given that as much as 2% of the population is from the Orient, and the country’s cultural influence is almost entirely European. As I mentioned earlier, there are a mere 12 nations in South America, and if each one represented a line in “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” Uruguay would certainly be “Ten Lords a-Douching.”

–Ross Packingham