Jack White sues Miami Heat fans to never chant “Seven Nation Army” again

Miami, Fla.–The most recent celebrity case to hit the courts comes from Jack White, who is as much of one half of the White Stripes as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh were equal parts of the Big 3. The creator of the song “Seven Nation Army” has come out publicly stating that the city of Miami is to cease and desist from chanting his song lest they be sued for a reported figure of $1.2 billion dollars.

Millions Hoping for Hard-Working Citizen to Fall Short of His Goals

This douche.

Miami, FL. – As the end of Game Six of the NBA Finals nears, millions of U.S. citizens pray for a man who has spent his entire life working towards one goal to fall short of that goal.

“I hope he has to sit there and watch everyone celebrate as his dreams crumble before his eyes,” several thousand people insisted.

As the man who spent almost every minute of his life thinking about and working towards his goal slowly watches hope slip away, people across the world could not be more pleased.

Furor Scribendi: Zombies, Canadians, Rihanna, and Chet Haze (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pretend to be Malcolm Gladwell)

Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf and Evander Jones trade e-mails regarding celebrity, sport, and all things culture.

Evander Jones:
Dear Brother Jürgen,

Took him long enough.

What follows is a pitiful attempt to be either the Bill Simmons to your Malcolm Gladwell or the other way around. If need be, however, I am willing to settle as the Ke$ha to your Flo Rida. Either way I’ll probably come off as a DoucheMcMuffin, even if I edit our email exchanges to make us both look far more witty than our faithful Sherman Ave readers could ever imagine. A tricky task, mind you, as I just kind of assume that all of our readers are beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 who harbor a fond appreciation for unreleased Smiths B-sides, The West Wing, and Morty Schapiro to go with their rabid readership of Sherman Ave.

What the f**k are the Miami Heat wearing?

A few things you should know before proceeding:

It actually makes you look like you can’t dress yourselves

1. This article is officially dedicated to the magnificent section of the blogosphere that is “What the F**k is Michael Jordan Wearing?,” which would probably be my favorite Tumblr of all time if Ryan Gosling had never been born.
2. The only person I hate more than Newt Gingrich is Dwyane Wade. One time last year after the headache-inducing Eastern Conference Finals, I was taking the train to downtown Chicago. A guy passed me wearing a black Wade jersey. I almost fought him.
3. The only thing that made me jizz my pants more than the Super Bowl trailer for Avengers (which if you don’t think I’m gonna write an entire article about said trailer then you my friend have got another thing coming) was the news that the 2011 NBA lockout was over, starting with five games on Christmas Day. Halfway through the Heat-Mavericks Christmas game, I realized something: I actually hate the Miami Heat even more than I love the Chicago Bulls. And I love the Bulls a lot (wooo Luol Deng’s an All-Star wooooooo).