The Top 20 Ways to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day at the Library

Follow this list until the Catholic guilt is too much to handle.

1. Read an article about religious sectarian violence on JSTOR
Curse like an Irishman every time Northwestern logs you out.

2. Do an Econometrics problem set
Congratulations! You’re receiving the education that eluded the 1/8th of your ancestors who endured brutal ethnocentrism in the streets of America!

3. Work on your 25-page paper you should have started in mid-February for your research seminar, “Gender and Sexuality during the Irish Potato Famine”
It’s only a matter of time until “Irish Studies” becomes an official major.

An Average Day in a Northwestern Student’s Hell

Pictured: Hell

7:00 am: You are woken up by an alarm set to the rousing melody of Chet Haze’s “Hollywood.”  You try to change the alarm tone every morning, but in Hell, it automatically resets.

7:15 am: You walk into your bathroom to shower, only to find someone engaging in self-gratification. THAT MEANS MASTURBATION.

7:30 am: Check your e-mail. You have 94 e-mails.
E-mail 1: A security alert e-mail, informing you that a fellow Northwestern student was robbed at gunpoint yesterday at 11:55am while walking from Harris to Kresge.
E-mail 2:  A notification that your tuition must be paid within the next 48 hours.  In Hell, you receive this e-mail every 48 hours.
E-mail 3:  A listing of all the best paid internships, complete with a ballpark estimate of how many people are more qualified for the internship than you.
E-mails 4 through 94:  All from Mark Witte.

8:00 am:  Organic chemistry lecture.  You get your midterm back today.

9:00 am:  You want breakfast, but you don’t have much time before your 9:30am class, so you are forced to eat breakfast in Hinman dining hall.

9:25 am: Wait for the Frostbite Express. It will not come. It does not exist.