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Tag Archives: Economics

Guy in Library Eating Chips Very Loudly

18 Mar

Portrait of a young man eating potato chipsEVANSTON, Il – While studying for your Economics 310-1 final this afternoon in the References section of University Library, reports have confirmed that the guy using the desk directly next to yours has begun to eat a small bag of potato chips, making a significant amount of chewing noises in the process.

The guy, who you do not know and have never seen before, has removed a bag of Lay’s Baked Sour Cream and Onion potato chips from his backpack, and is now opening them, crinkling the paper-thin bag in the process.  He is proceeding, according to reports, to eat each chip not only loudly and vigorously, but slowly; which, you notice, only adds to the distinctly audible and somewhat unsettling sounds of mastication the guy is creating.  The numerous reports also state that Continue reading

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If Ernest Hemingway Went Through Sorority Recruitment

10 Jan

Ernest_Hemingway_at_the_Finca_Vigia,_Cuba_1946

I stood in line in front of the house with the others. It was a little too cold outside. On all sides of the quad, there were similar lines to get into similar houses. The houses along the sides of the quad were long and white. The railings were coated with frost and the awnings sagged under the weight of the snow. My RC brought me into the house.

“This is Ernest,” she said, introducing me to a sister.

“Hi Ernest! Welcome to Pi Gamma Tau. It’s nice to meet you.”

Continue reading

Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

6 Jun

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

"I'm allergic to cats."

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading

Hundreds of Professors Gather To Coordinate Midterm Dates

10 May

EVANSTON– More than 200 professors from all six schools at Northwestern University met this morning in an annual summit dedicated to scheduling midterms in a way that most frustrates and inconveniences undergraduate students, sources report.

The meeting, which was held in the Norris Student Center’s Louis Room, was called to order at 9:02 am by President Morton Schapiro.  Schapiro started off with a few opening remarks about the importance of this annual convention, and what it means to the community.

“I greatly appreciate each and every one of you taking time out of your busy schedules to come gather here on this momentous occasion,” said Schapiro. “Without your time and dedication, we would be forced to schedule midterms independently, and that would almost ensure that students would have midterms days, even weeks apart.  And what’s worse, their midterms could be at reasonable times and accessible places.” Continue reading

A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney

4 Nov

Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.

Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.”  Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.

If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.

Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III

Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten

How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it

Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch

Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).

College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).

Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.

Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.

Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.

Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*

Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.

Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.

Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.

Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.

Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit  that is Obamacare.

ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ

*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]


[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia

Mittuational Comedies: Possible Ideas for Mitt Romney’s New BET Sitcom

12 Jul

Tyler Perry Presents: Mitt Romney’s White House of Payne

Have you ever imagined what it would be like for Mitt Romney to have his own sitcom — or rather, Mitt-com — on BET? I mean really thought it about? Well we hear at Sherman Ave have thought about it in great detail, and we have decided to share our best ideas for such an amazing creation, with you, our loyal followers. Here is a list of the best Mitt-coms the minds of Sherman Ave (and its contributors) could create:

Disclaimer: Heinous amounts of puns and rhyming are contained in this article.

“Mitt in Pitt:” Mitt Romney lives with Wiz Khalifa in the inner city of Pittsburgh, getting into all sorts of “shenanigans” in their quest for some dank shit and foreign policy experience. (Possible Line: “Kush? Is that, like, related to a couch cushion or something?”)

“That Mitt Cray:” Mitt Romney and Ann Romney are the game-makers as their five children compete to the death in the corporate arena. Whoever makes the most money gets to take healthcare away from the others!
Sir Edward Twattingworth III

“Ball and Mitt:” Mitt is a retired baseball player trying to live vicariously through his son’s tee ball team.
-Big Spoon

“Mittriol:” Mitt gets mad. All the time. At everyone.
-Shtick Rick

“Ain’t That Some Mitt:” Mitt Romney is the (supposedly) lovable boss of a local struggling grocery store, constantly cutting employees and their benefits and attempting to get them to like him in the process.

“Hot Shhhhh-M-itt!:” Mitt Romney travels through America’s heartland, visiting the small businesses that make our country great, culminating in a shot in which he points at the product/service in question and stiffly delivers, to everyone’s mild discomfort, his catchphrase, “That’s some hot sh-Mitt!”
-The Artist Formerly (And Presently) Known as Kai

‎”ForMITTable Opponent:” Mitt tries to take on professional athletes, scientists, and others in their respective professions (Spoiler Alert: He fires anyone who doesn’t let him win).

“The CoMITTern:” Mitt goes back in time to 1919 and partakes in Lenin’s Communist International First World Conference to learn the true meaning of Socialism.
Evander Jones

“Stuck in the MITTle with You:” Mitt Romney works as a city relationship consultant, trying to get couples to realize that the faults of their relationships are just due to the fact that they have not cut enough of the excess expenditures out of their day-to-day lives — like eating.

“Acquit Mitt:” A legal dramatic comedy starring Mitt Romney as an ace attorney who can solve any case, buoyed by an ensemble cast of black stereotypes.
Sad Bones Malone

“That Mitt Spit:” Mitt Romney tries to make a name for himself in the underground rap circuit (and comes up with a surprising amount of rhymes for trickle-down economics).

“Misfit Mitt:” Mitt Romney hangs out with a bunch of black people. This is probably the simplest one. And honestly? The funniest.
-Sad Bones Malone

“Mitt-town Girls:” Mitt plays the lovable friend of 2 beautiful 20-something working girls. They think he’s gay, but he’s really just sensitive, awkward, and a devout Mormon.
Commandant Leo Sextoi

“Unfit Mitt:” A sitcom depicting if Mitt Romney won the 2012 Presidential Election, and his subsequent misadventures in office.
-Sad Bones Malone

And I like my photo-ops stiff and contrived.

“I Like Mitt Sunny-Side Up:”Mitt Romney works as a chef at a Philadelphia 24-hour diner. Starring Sherman Hemsley as the owner and Donald Glover as Mitt’s outlandish best-friend and co-worker (Tagline: The customers at this restaurant like their soup served with Crackers).

“Mittrro 2033:” Based VERYYY loosely on the cult classic horror videogame, Mitt plays a subway station administrator from the future who must fight off hordes of zombies. The catch? He’s actually hallucinating from the fumes in the metro station, causing him to believe they’re zombies when they’re actually the wealthy commuters he has sworn to protect.
-Leo Sextoi

“In Deep Mitt:” Mitt Romney works at a local sewage company. The main theme: Mitt Romney covered in feces. Hilarity ensues.

“Her-mitt Talks:” Herman Cain and Mitt Romney swap stories about cooking, taxes, and their favorite boutiques.

I hope everyone enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it. Let us all pray that the producers at BET get to work on at least one of these ideas because, let’s be honest, there are few things funnier than the awkwardness that is Mitt Romney around African-Americans.

If you have any other suggestions for possible Mitt-based BET Sitcoms, don’t hesitate to CALL ME MAYBE!