Beyoncé “Super-Jealous” of Chet Haze’s Talent

Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she’s the hottest, baby.

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Avenue, seventeen-time Grammy award winner Beyoncé Knowles praised Chet Haze’s latest video, “Finest Girl,” as “the most promising display of raw talent I have ever seen.”

The star of Dreamgirls shared her high opinions of Chester Marlon Hanks, better known as “Chet Haze” in the rap community, whose introspective video about not remembering whether he got the digits of a girl at a club debuted yesterday.

“I thought it was an incredibly insightful commentary on today’s suffering economy. The subtle reference to Nietzsche really demonstrated his lyrical skill, concern with really deep topics, and how much he’s really learned from his classes at Northwestern. And the way that girl clearly took her makeup cues from Jenna Marbles, I just – it says so much about women’s role in culture these days.”

Why You Are Not a Child of the 90s

No matter how hard Buzzfeed might try to convince you otherwise.

We love the 90s.

And why shouldn’t we?  As a country, we were kicking ass.  The economy was great, the internet was just beginning to take off, and the music was fucking awesome.  Just ask any high school or college student about that gloried, fabled time period, and you’ll probably receive a flurry of “omygods” and “the90swereawesome” and, most frequently “I am totally a child of the 90s.”

I hate to break it to you, university students, but you are not children of the 90s.  You weren’t children of the 90s in the 90s, you aren’t children of the 90s now, and you won’t be children of the 90s in 20 years.  You are not a “child” of that time period, so shut the fuck up and stop claiming you are.

The Sandra Fluke Rule

Rush: The Human Douche-Strudel

Last week, human colonoscopy Rush Limbaugh launched a three-day offensive against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke after Fluke was denied the opportunity to testify before a congressional panel on contraception. Fluke had intended to share her opinion that private institutions such as G-Tizzle should be required to offer health care plans that offer birth control at no extra cost to women.

Yet crocodile anus Rush Limbaugh decided this meant she accepted cash or other forms of payment in exchange for sexual intercourse with another human being and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” before demanding that Fluke release tapes of said intercourse for him to touch his pee-pee to. Limbaugh, an ingrown toenail, has faced significant backlash for his statements, which is obviously quite unfair. To back up synthetic diarrhetic Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the harlot, we’ve developed a quick list of other incredibly offensive names we should apply to people who do extraordinarily normal things:

People who use cafeterias in schools: Lard-asses
You fatsos have the nerve to demand that schools let you just stuff your faces all day long? Wow, that’s really taking morbid obesity to the next level. Why don’t you all just not eat all day ever? That’d make things a lot easier for the rest of us, you overweight calorie dumpsters. It’s embarrassing that you honestly think you should be given a public place to engage in your disgusting food orgy. THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

People who have a tutor: Euthanizable Idiots
If you don’t know how to do differential calculus on your own, you should be removed from the gene pool, plain and simple. This is an inherently American concept and anyone who even slightly disagrees is a terrorist.

People who hug their kids: Child Molesters
These are people who want us to just stand by and watch as they lay hands on children. The most disgusting of individuals, I cannot see why these child-hugging monsters have not been arrested, forced to report themselves to their neighbors and removed from within a half-mile radius of schools. I’m thoroughly sickened by these perverts and it definitely has nothing to do with not having been hugged as a child.

People who are on life-support: Drug Addicts
They’re so dependent on that steady stream of sweet, sweet drugs that they’d literally die if we took it away. That’s actually the definition of an addiction. Too easy. Now take the goods away from these society-ruining deadbeats and watch the economy flourish. Just watch. It’s totally gonna happen.

Are you the fucker who didn’t say hi to me on Sheridan Road?

People who walk on sidewalks: Genocidal Maniacs
This one may take a minute but I promise it’s well thought out. Ok, so who pays for sidewalks? We, the taxpayers, do as a community. So the COMMUNEity pays for sidewalks. It’s basically a sidewalk-obsessed commune of neo-commies laying down concrete and making us all walk in their Marxist line. You know who else loved communes and marching in lines? Joseph Stalin, that’s who. Anyone who uses a sidewalk is Joseph Stalin.

People who coach football: Jerry Sandusky
He coached football. Transitive property says everyone who coaches football is him. Look it up, bro. But don’t you fucking dare get a tutor to explain it, you euthanizable idiot.

People who use a radio show to accuse law students of being hookers: Chodes
Rush Limbaugh is a mildew.

Why I’m transferring to Arizona State

Okay, so don’t think of this as a break up. Just think of it as a “see ya later pal,” aight? Because honestly, this isn’t about you. It’s about me needing to do what I have to do.

So here it is: I think I’m transferring. Probably to Arizona State. Sorry. But as I do in all breakups, and to make this much easier on you, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:

How come the student-to-hot-tub ratio isn’t factored into U.S. News & World Report Rankings?

1. Warmth
Literally what the fuck is with this snow? I thought it was like April or some ish like that. Didn’t we kill Punxatawnee Phil? Seriously, this is some bull. But in the warm sands of Tempe, we find an oasis of warmth and sunshine. ASU is the perfect mix of a hot, beach-like climate with no humidity to totally ruin your hair. This warm weather allows for a minimum of clothing, something that you’ll soon see is a key point. This balmy climate has long attracted retirees and schleppers, so why not me? I’ve had it up to HERE with the cold weather! I’m getting’ on up, movin’ on out and sittin’ back down in a lawn chair next to the private pool I assume each ASU student gets.

Guys, Newt had an idea!

Genteleman, I have a plan. Let's destroy the Republican Party!

Newt Gingrich recently promised that by the year 2020, the United States would have a colony on the Moon if he is elected president in the 2012 election. Like literally, this was a thing he said. These words came out of his mouth intentionally. Here’s the quote: “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon. And it will be American.”

Again, and this cannot be stressed enough, this was a thing that he said in an attempt to convince Americans he would stimulate the economy, reduce the size of government, and cut the deficit.

So I thought I’d call up a few of my closest friends and get their reactions to Newt’s new campaign platform.

Mitt Romney: So this is the guy that’s leading me in the polls? He’s actually ahead of me? I just… I really don’t understand what I did to make you hate me so much. I have been so nice to all of you. I considered you friends of mine. I put my life on hold for you fuckers. And THIS is how you treat me?! KAY. COOL. WE’RE OVER. GET OFF MY LAWN.

Ron Paul: Great idea. You first, bro.

The late, great Frank Sinatra: Flyyyy me to the mooooon, you delusional bag of serial adultery.

Zlurg, leader of the Moon People: So help me Thor, if you try to take our lands we will destroy you and everything you love. We will come down there and raze your buildings, burn your wildlands, poison your water, eradicate your air and kill every single one of you. Slowly. One by one. Starting with women and children. Do not for a moment think I am joking. You have one hour.

Rick Santorum: I had the exact same idea! But then I did a quick Bing search– #boycottGoogle, amirite guyz?!—and found out that going to the moon involves science. So, uh, good luck with that! HAHAHAHAHAH SCIENCE HEHEHEHE.

Has he seriously never seen Moonraker?

Morty Schapiro: Do I have a reaction to Newt’s proposal? No. No I do not. Do I have a reaction to Kenan Thompson coming to campus? OOOOWWWWWEEEEE T-SHANE YES I DO.

A lolcat: I can haz moonburger?

Marianne Gingrich, Newt’s second wife: Oh this is JUST like you, Newt. Leave Mother Nature the moment she gets sick for some cooler, younger planet who can do things I never could. That’s it, isn’t it? What does the Moon do for you, Newt? Tell me, I wanna know. Does she tell you you’re so much smarter and sexier than all the other Earthlings? Is that it? Or is she willing to do things I’m not? Maybe that’s it. OR MAYBE IT’S THE FACT SHE DOESN’T HAVE M.S. LIKE I DO. COULD THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT?!

Barack Obama: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD STOP. There’s noooo way this is real. You guys, you guys come hear what Newt said! No seriously, come hear this! Yeah, I KNOW! Everyone take the next five months off, I think we got this hahahahahaha.