Incompetent Student Joins 90-Minute Club

EVANSTON – Sources report that McCormick freshman Aaron Butler proudly joined the famed “90-Minute Club” earlier this evening after experiencing a bout of uncontrollable vomiting, defecation, and sneezing that forced him to drop out of Dance Marathon after a mere hour and a half of dancing.

Butler beamed fervently as he recounted the incident that led to his ejection from the DM tent, starting with a hefty late lunch at Edzo’s Burger Shop only 3 hours before Dance Marathon began.  Butler cited this as the catalyst for not only the “mad case of the runs,” but also the “jetstream of wretch” that bystanders estimated at a velocity of 15 miles an hour.

Evanston in Your Mouth: Your Guide To Eating Out Around the Northwestern Campus

Dine so hard

Northern Evanston, home of Northwestern University, is a hub of diversity. From its upper-middle class homes, to its upper-middle class citizens, to its upper-middle class dogs in sweater vests – it is difficult to find a place with more cultural variance. Though the Evanston community is about as stereo-typically white as Drake’s Bar Mitzvah, it is actually home to a wide variety of restaurants.  In order to help the student body with its Evanston Dining Experience, Sherman Ave has developed a comprehensive guide to Evanston dining, categorized by mouthgasm rating:

ORAL ORGO

The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston

After immersing yourself for a few weeks in the infamous college lifestyle, you’ll be surprised to discover that – just a few blocks from that wall of Jones on which you triumphantly urinated – there is a real city with real people. As easy as it is to be insulated in Northwestern’s spectacular campus, the city of Evanston is a great resource. The following comprehensive guide to key businesses in Evanston will assist you in your efforts to take advantage of the city (omitting Burger King and The Keg, since we’ve already explained their glorious nature).