Dunkin’ Donuts to be Removed from Norris; Administration: “April Fools!”

Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.

“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”

When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”

In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.

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The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).