Not pictured: Gameday Morning Shots
HEY PARTY PEOPLE! For all the Wildkittens lucky enough to see “Bobb” or “McCulloch” on their housing assignment: congratulations and welcum to the good life.
Every freshman experiences a whirlwind of emotions when they get their housing assignment (Ayers CCI? Well that’s some shit). Regardless of whether or not you wanted to live in Bobb, you’re probably familiar with its reputation. So now you’re pissing yourself with excitement or fear. Or both.
The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview. Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.
“I’m allergic to cats.”
Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?
Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?
Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.
Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.
Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?
Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.
Packingham: Like a Budweiser?
Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading
Elder Hall: Where dreams are born and a fetus is occasionally conceived.
Hello future heinouses. So housing applications just came out, and you’ve probably been attempting to do research on the dorms at Northwestern. Maybe you ask older friends who go to NU about the dorms, sift through the Residential Life website, or you’ve seen that one article that names Bobb the biggest party dorm in the country (to be honest they probably ranked dorms based on how often and strongly they smell like vomit). So you’re wondering where you’d fit in. Do you want to live North or South? Do you want a big dorm or a small dorm? Do you want to live somewhere that’s actually not a shit hole? Should you live in a dorm with a dining hall? Can you tolerate the smell of vomit on the daily? If you answered “North,” “big,” “yes,” “DUH,” and “not really,” LIVE IN ELDER. Continue reading
[As a surge of water fills the Elder second floor girls bathroom, Sherman Ave Elder correspondent Ammonia$ta Dribbling will provide live updates from the dorm. Unless The Great Bathroom Flood of ‘012 takes out the Internetz, in which case FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE. More updates to come!]
UPDATE: SUNDAY NOV 4, 2012, 8:20 PM
In an extremely anticlimactic turn of events, I woke up this morning. I am alive, there is no water in my room, and the bathroom looks like as if nothing ever happened. I am actually surprised at how quickly things have been resolved. Props to Northwestern’s maintenance crews.
To be honest, I was kind of hoping there’d be some water in my room. Preferably near my backpack (which I purposely moved closer to the door last night) that is filled with my Spanish homework. I spent a lot of time last night fantasizing about getting to say “Lo siento, Profe, pero el GBF’12 comió mi tarea.”* It would have been great. Anyway, instead of starting my homework at a normal time, I decided to do some investigating to bring you the latest as to the cause of GBF’12. I decided to turn to facebook, because that’s were a lot of intelligent people seem to hang out. I posted a general question asking if anyone knew anything. For 4 hours, I sat staring at the page waiting eagerly for some info. And now it seems no one gives a shit, or people just don’t wanna help a girl out.
So, as far as I’m concerned the mystery of GBF’12 will forever remain unsolved (though I’m still pretty sure it was the cover-up plan I mentioned before). The only fatalities were the weird bug things that sometimes hang out in the bathroom. RIP Henry, Bobo, Clarice (my names for them) and friends. You’ll be forever in our hearts.
Thus ends the coverage of The Great Bathroom Flood of 2012. This is Ammonia$ta Dribbling, peacin’ out. Deuces.
*Sorry, Professor, but the GBF’12 ate my homework.
UPDATE: SOME POINT LATER THAT NIGHT (time change is confusing)
shit’s getting real.
Everyone. It appears as though I have just come back from what is going to be known as my last meal. Thankfully, it was Cheesies, and it was well worthy of being the last morsel of artery-clogging food I will ever ingest. Sadly, the water has started making it’s way through the bathroom and across the hall, to my room. (Once I thought living across from the bathroom was great; now I loathe it with every fiber of my being.) I’M NOT READY TO DIE. Ke$ha ISN’T EVEN PLAYING RIGHT NOW. I have nothing left to do but sit and pretend to get (more) drunk off of my last bottle of Snapple, because our drunkie supplies ran out last week. It’s tragic in every sense of the word.
I would like to take this time to say a few things. First, thanks to my roommate, whose health kick probably got me into better shape and could help me swim away from my untimely death…Unless I decide to just go to sleep after I finish writing this, which is the more likely case. Also, I would like to thank Cheesies for supplying a great last meal. For those of you who survive GBF’12, go there. You won’t regret it. And finally, I would like to thank Momma and Poppa Dribbling for paying a shit ton of money to send me to a school where I will die in a bathroom flood. The past month has been great. Thank you, ‘rents. It’s been a lovely 18 years.
Unfortunately, I will never be able to solve the mystery of what caused GBF’12. Know that until the flood takes me, I will do my best to figure it out, then try to communicate it to you from the after life. I wish you all the best.
-XOXOXO Ammonia$ta Dribbling (GBF’12 Victim and Ke$ha fan extraordinaire)
Girls bathroom on the “L” side? Sounds fun ;).
UPDATE: 8:15 PM
A terrible tragedy has struck the girls’ second floor bathroom of Elder Residential Community. On Saturday, November 3rd, I woke up to find the bathroom floor covered with water and the drains on the floor surrounded by dirt. At first I thought the water might have been from the tears I shed last night after the Ben Gibbard* concert, when I realized I would never be good enough for him. But that was not the case. (As it turns out, I flooded my room with my tears.) The dirt on the drains led me to believe something is just straight up janky with the plumbing. I grab my camera, snap some pics to send to my mom, then go back to bed and hope someone else would do something about the problem.
No, the floor’s not “shiny clean.” It’s “shiny covered in filth and death.”
Later that day, the bathroom had an “out of order” sign on it. At first I was like, ok whatever, but then I realized that I couldn’t go in there. This poses a few issues:
So for the next few days, I will be updating you lovely people on the status of The Great Bathroom Flood ’12 (and also my filth/insanity), as well as trying to figure out what the hell happened. Perhaps this is just a fluke in the plumbing system, perhaps this is the work of Sandy (that bitch), or perhaps it’s a highly thought-out cover-up from the girl who always takes giant shits in the bathroom after she finally clogged the toilet (the dirt would be her way of throwing off my sleuthing). As of right now, no one knows when this problem will be resolved.
*Ben, if you’re reading this please let me have your children. Or get back with Zooey so my faith in humanity will be restored.
Testicular cancer? No way bro.
Before I came to Northwestern, it had been 3 years since I had ridden a bicycle for, well, socially acceptable purposes. Like most high school students, I felt that riding a bicycle was incredibly lame compared to owning a car, and even though most students at my high school did not own a car, getting a ride from your mom was still considered cooler than riding your bicycle (LOGIC BOMB). Nowadays, riding your bike is “hip,” “cool,” “environmentally friendly,” “a political endorsement of socialism,” etc. At Northwestern, riding your bike is a super viable way of getting to such important locations as: the student center that no one is close to; that place on Clarke that’s practically off-campus but for some reason they have classes there; your local alcohol purveyor; and many more. It’s important to understand whether owning and operating a bicycle at NU is the right decision for you. The following is a personal 2nd amendment-centric manifesto confessional sexual novel handy guide on biking at NU.
Those songs are the closest to hazing NU sororities will ever come. So if you’re uncomfortable, go chill with a sister elsewhere. Seriously. Nobody’s going to judge you because you don’t want to sing songs about how whorish you are. And it’s likely nobody’s going to notice your absence because you’re new and no one knows to ask where you are yet. So if you’re weirded out by weird lines or choreography, pretend you need to leave temporarily to go get special hypoallergenic tampons from Elder. Or something.
If you're presented with roses arranged like this, you may want to avoid the fratstar responsible for it.
If you’re awkward about receiving roses (like me), don’t put them down on a chair and pretend like you don’t have any (like me), because boys will think you actually don’t have any and they will give you more and you will have an awkward bouquet at the end of the night, and you will realize very slowly that it’s not because they find you attractive but rather because they see you have none in your hand and are either taking pity or priming you for a later hookup, and only you will know this, and you can’t/don’t explain that to any of your new sisters giving you the stinkeye because they will not understand and also because you kinda want them to think you looked especially hot and deserved the roses (no seriously I don’t know anyone who that happened to). If you’re kind of person who brags about receiving roses…don’t. In fact, drop now, you’re clearly obnoxious.
Part 2: Dancing. We’ll be saying this again on Dillo, but pace yourself if you’re drinking. Clearly the class of 2015 has issues with this (how many hospitalizations did you have fall quarter?) Don’t get super-trashed on the bus and be vomming on the dance floor the rest of the night, because you will probably get sent home, the Sober Sister sharing your cab will probably resent you, and the likeliness that you will hook up is literally nil. Also, treat your location with respect. You really don’t want to be That Guy.* Don’t make people hate you before you even finish pledging yet.
Gone Greek Night?
As I said earlier, you’re new and no one knows to check up on you yet. So find a buddy if you don’t want to hook up. That said, HAVE FUN. Remember those nights where you have to try to find someone who wants to hook up? Not tonight. Everyone’s single on GGN. Unless you’re not, in which case, don’t be a cheating bitch. Otherwise, go crazy, hon. If there was ever a night where you wanted to know how it feels to wake up in some random fratty’s dorm trying to remember whether the bra you were wearing matched your panties, and are they in the same location, and where that location may be – go for it. You’ll be sharing stories later. Have a good one.
Or you could pull the Classy Ellie K move, which involves sleeping (no actually, just sleeping) in your awesome superchill super-cozy guy friend’s dingle, waking up sans hangover and going to the house because they have the best granola (which, unless you’re in my sorority, your house doesn’t have the best granola. Sorry).
So in short, don’t expect anything. Have a fun and safe time, represent your chapter- and most importantly, don’t get caught.
Pledges: Get ready to stumble! This is your chance to impress the ladies, sing your heart out and binge drink on a Friday afternoon. You’ll probably start your night pregaming with some brothers or just with your pledge class. Make sure to get absolutely crunk but not so bad that you can’t find the DG house. Once you’re done taking handle pulls in the daylight, you go sing to them fine sorority chicks. Usually, you’ll put their name in a song to make them all feel just so special and unique! Try “We found love in a __(sorority name)__-less place,” that should make them all love you.
NO SEX ON THE DANCE FLOOR, REGARDLESS OF THE LEVEL OF CONSENT
Other rule: Drink every time Chewbacca and Han Solo "have a moment"
GDI’s: This is not the most fun weekend for a non-Greek but that doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to make it interesting. True, there are generally no open frat parties Friday night (and few on Saturday) but that hardly means you can’t get schwastey. Try a drinking game! There are plenty of fun one, like battleshots or Mean Girls. I would advise STRONGLY against the Star Wars Drinking Game, in which the only rule is that you have to chug a handle every time there’s a surprising paternity result. Literally everyone will puke and/or die. So please don’t do it.
If you don’t want to sit with two friends in your dark dorm room (Green Cup, ya dig?), see if you can find a hoppin’ apartment party. Or maybe scope out some other bars for us and report back on which one should be the new Monday night destination. If you’re doing this, aim for a bar within walking distance of everywhere on campus that serves free booze and doesn’t card. Stripper poles are a must.
*That Guy behaviors include: vomiting in unsavory places, being a Motherfucker, destroying shit, vomiting in unsavory places, singing Nickelback songs
Photo courtesy of Ross Packingham and Ginger LeatherDream
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This month, take some time to focus on you. Take a bath, watch a movie, finally get around to burying that body. LOL JK! But there is a fresh dirt path in the park on Grove, approximately 10 feet, from the SW corner, and shovels are on sale this week at Ace Hardware. Pro tip: If you wear a fluorescent orange vest people will assume it’s community service! Happy “planting!”
Things to avoid saying: “I confess”
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may or may not die in a horrible, horrible terrorist attack on the El. You probably deserve it.
Your lucky day: Not Wednesday
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
When Jupiter moves into the apex of Croatia’s left nut, expect good fortune at your feet. That’s right, your new plaid Sperry’s Top Siders finally arrived in the mail! Your fraternity brethren will be drooling with envy, but they will have the last laugh when the snow disintegrates them by the weekend. But, of course, you will be too drunk to notice.
Things to avoid: KKD, DDD, DZ…you know what you’ve done
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You’re at the crossroads of what is sure to be a long journey. Question is, do you watch the video of the panda sneezing set to dubstep, or the new “Shit Adorable Kittens Say After Their Baths?” You also have a midterm paper worth 40% of your grade due tomorrow, but we all know that’s not happening. Pop another caffeine pill and watch them both. Six times.
Your lucky time of day: 7:34 pm (Brian will smile at you in Norbucks!!!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your month begins with a surprise, as the long lost twin sister you never knew you had shows up at your door! (All Geminis are twins, right? That’s how this works?) Even better news: She’s smokin’ hot! As a dude, you know it’s your right, nay, your responsibility to nail her. As a lady, it’s still your job to nail her and film it. Make it black and white, add come captions in a language you made up, and there’s a good chance you can get it into Sundance. If not, at least into the hearts of a few boys in AEPi. Oh, and all of this is definitely not weird at all.
Things to avoid: Taking your sister on a date to see “Shame”
Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Financial woes have been weighing heavily on your mind, but due to Saturn coming out of the closet, your problems suddenly vanish! Don’t question your roommates newfound money flow, just politely volunteer to peddle his “product” for him. And those little bags of white powder he’s been leaving around the house? I’ve seen enough episodes of Breaking Bad to know that is definitely NOT meth or weed, so stop worrying that you’re a “drug dealer” and start thinking of yourself as a “businessman!” Kellogg, Shmellogg.
Your lucky street name: Chet Haze
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Looks like it’s a good time for love! Just not for you, but I’m sure your best friend and girlfriend, whoops, EX-girlfriend, will be very happy together. It’ll all be okay! Turn off the Adele, stop licking cookie crumbs from the bag, and GROW A DICK. Maybe then you could keep a girl around long enough for her to see it, too.
Things to avoid: Admitting that you watch Say Yes to the Dress
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Everyone agrees you are the best, so why can’t your TA see it too? Did she really expect you to turn in that silly little 10-page paper about the Russian Revolution through the eyes of Tina Fey when you were busy catching up on Mad Men? And your theatre professor didn’t take too kindly to your idea of “sleeping as performance art,” but don’t fret! There’s still time to bring your grades up before Mommy and Daddy take away your new Lexus. Take one for the team, and bang that nerdy, silent girl from down the hall. She’s got a 4.0 average, and you’ll have 4.0 less things to worry about.
Your lucky charm: No bookworm girl can resist a man in thick-framed glasses!
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
Zeus is pissed at Snooki, which parallels your current relationship with your roommate. She’ll hit her breaking point near the end of the month, after you “borrowed-my-favorite-scarf-again-I’ll-kill-you-you-bitch-don’t-even!” You could take the high road (don’t ask ME how to get there, though) and apologize, perhaps buying her dinner to make up for it. But my real advice? Hit the road, girl, and ask for a room transfer. That’s what you get for living in drama-heavy Elder. Pick a nice, quiet, place like ISRC, where you can almost guarantee no one will ever talk back to you. You will be their queen! Enjoy your newfound power!
Things to avoid: Doing the dirty on your roomie’s bed
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Let’s play good news/bad news. Good news! The Tsar has been overthrown! The revolution is over! Huzzah! I’ll tell the people of 1917 you’re very happy for them. Bad news: meanwhile, in 2012, your family dog gets hit by a truck. Good news: He wasn’t really your dog! Bad news: I’m joking. (Too soon?) Good news: He didn’t have cancer! Bad news: You do.
Your lucky charms: will taste bitter after you learn the news
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The B-list stars are aligning, which means that this month is a good time to expand your talents. Take a pottery class, pick up the harmonica, try swallowing fire while juggling swords and riding a unicycle. Naked. Trust me, I watch Grey’s Anatomy which basically means I’m a doctor. And if these new escapades don’t work out, don’t be discouraged! Just get right back out there and try, try again once you’re released from the hospital!
Things to avoid: Nothing! Stare death in the face while flipping him off!
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The smell of a blooming romance is in the air! At least that’s what you think. Turns out to be the rotten Joy Yee’s leftovers on the bottom shelf of your fridge. But hey! At least you (probably) won’t die alone, your cat happens to love the smell of Chinese food!
People to avoid: That boy in your poetry class that caught you sniffing his hair in last week’s discussion section
Have a good month! And remember, things will never be as bad for you as they are for George Lopez’s fan club!
Sherman Ave 