Hey Boy, Whatcha Doin’: One Man’s Confession of New Girl Fandom

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Editor’s Note:  This is a very moving, personal piece. It required months of careful preparation and was written with emotion, courage, tears, and courage.  Please show some respect and share it on your Facebook wall.

Last weekend I was at a party with some friends, and I found myself talking to a girl.  We hit it off really well.  We had a lot of the same interests – but one particular one really stood out.  And that one particular interest carried the conversation.

“I know it’s unconventional, but I like Winston the best…”

“My favorite thing she did was when she dressed as an old-timey cigarette girl for that one party at the bar.  Remember that?  That was pretty quirky…”

“You know in my apartment we actually have a douchebag jar?  It’s so funny…”

But then it stopped.  A large, brown-haired, brown-eyed young man came up to me and stared me dead in the eyes.

5 Reasons You Should Do DM

It’s pretty damn hard to walk around campus anymore without being attacked by an army of bright eyed students yelling at me telling me to do DM.

Oh, if only they knew.

Of course I’ll do DM.  DM is an important part of student life.  I might even dare to say it’s one of the best things that we do here at Northwestern.  But when I say DM, I’m not referring to the DM with dancing.  Real DM.  Drunk Marathon.  Ten glorious three hour blocks of being drunk, one right after the other, each themed with a different type of alcohol or aspect of drunkenness.  30 hours out of normal everyday life turned into a vivacious, glorious, shitshow.  So why should you do DM?  Well, even though it’s kind of dangerous,[i] there are still plenty of reasons to do it.  Here are a few of them.

An Open Letter to the Period

Dear Period,

In case this letter got sent to the wrong Period, I would just like to make it clear that this letter is addressed to the womanly type of period, not the punctuation type.

Now that that’s over with, I’ll begin. Period, I understand that nothing I can say or do can really change the fact that I have to deal with you…deal with you, or a fetus growing inside me.

Who You Shouldn’t Be Buying Christmas Presents For

Christmas is the time of giving, as we’ve been constantly reminded by incomprehensibly cheerful Salvation Army bell-ringers and incomprehensibly bothersome commercials. (We get it, he went to Jared. Whooptee-fucking-doo.) However, there are times when giving is taken too far, and things just become awkward. To remedy this potential issue, we have drawn up a list of people for whom you definitely don’t need to buy gifts.

The greatest gift of them all

Your Last Hookup
Okay, so she was a good kisser. That’s fantastic. And she wasn’t as clingy as the last person with whom you hooked up, who you are pretty certain hired a private investigator to follow you. That’s even better. But this doesn’t mean your hook-up (let’s just refer to her from now on as “Jessica”) deserves a gift. With hook-ups, it’s just a slippery slope; one day you’re buying Jessica a moderately priced necklace, and the next day, she’s pregnant with your child. And not only do you now have to deal with that mess, but the necklace itself will only ever remind you and Jessica about those four and a half minutes of ominous, unemotional penetration. When it comes down to it, it’s just a waste of money.

Your TA
There’s no way to emerge victorious from this situation. I’m sorry, but a relationship built upon a foundation of discussions about GATT (or the Global Agreement on Trade and Tariffs, bitch) leaves no room for a thoughtful holiday gift. Besides, how would one ever know what gift to buy for their TA? The only thing I know my TA likes is asking incredibly vague questions and letting an inconceivably awkward silence simmer for 5 or 6 minutes until someone finally conjures up a bullshit answer. And that’s not something money can buy.

The Keg Bouncer
If you buy a Christmas present for someone, it implies that you have, at some level, a personal relationship with that person. Last time I checked, a “personal relationship” entails more one-on-one contact than seeing someone’s Wildcard on a bi-weekly basis. Otherwise a Keg bouncer would have more personal relationships than Herman Cain at a Victoria’s Secret.

Mitt Romney
The guy flip-flops so much you’d never have a clue what to get him. A pro-choice policy? A pro-life policy? You just don’t know. Besides, do Mormons even celebrate Christmas?

What do you get the man who owns every possible color of purple ties?

Morty Schapiro
This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, there is no one in the world that doesn’t owe Morty a gift. From Libyan rebels who President Schapiro helped when he killed Qaddafi to rural Congolese citizens who he helped when he permanently cured AIDS, Morty’s laudable actions have left no person untouched. On the other hand, however, there is nothing we can give Morty that he doesn’t already have. Unless you can somehow procure for him a restraining order from Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

Sir Edward Twattingworth III
We encourage all readers to avoid sending Christmas gifts to Sir T-worth because it will only perpetuate the unchecked power-trip around which he has modeled his life. Besides, I have it on good authority that he is already getting everything he wants – a Pippa Middleton blow-up doll and a beginner’s pole-dancing kit.

That Guy You Met in the SPAC Showers
This guy clearly does not need gifts from others. Remember that timeless holiday song? Twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-self-gratifying.