Tag Archives: Endorsements

A Guide to the Top Celebrities Endorsements for Mitt Romney

5 Nov

If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne.  Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land.  As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:

Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.

Cady: I wouldn’t?

Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents.  Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.

As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision.  The results were shocking.  I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG.  Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:

Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?

Lindsay Lohan

My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.”  Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!!  Wait, what’s that?  She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)?  Nope, that can’t be it.  THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!

Chuck Norris

The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.”  I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back.  Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!

Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?

Meat Loaf

From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work.  Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift.  I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’  I have never heard such a thing in my life.”  Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??

Kid Rock

Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).

Jenna Jameson

Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”  There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself.  Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite?  Ok done now.

As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year.  When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America.  When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind.  They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America.  And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted.  He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support.  Now go forth and vote, America.  You do NOT want to let any of these stars down.  Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life.  Seriously someone help her.

-Charleston Nippleberry

Willard Exec Board Endorsements

22 Feb

The pride and glory of this Residential College isn't going to perpetrate itself, bitches

The excitement in the air is almost as fervent as the atmosphere surrounding a primary for Congressional midterms as the election for next year’s Willard Exec Board rapidly approaches. Tomorrow night, Willardites will convene in the historic Rat Trap to determine which of their peers shall be elevated to the vaunted and estimable Willard Exec Board, a beloved group of civilian leaders who fearlessly govern the greatest Residential College known to man.

Suffice to say, this is a pretty big deal.

History has proven that it takes an educated constituency to elect the best officials to govern and protect a democracy (which certainly explains how Bachmann got elected). Here at Sherman Ave, we take our role as the 4th-most reviled Evanston-based news source very seriously, and, after much deliberation, have decided to throw the massive weight of our support behind three candidates whom we believe stand out so far from the field that they deserve recognition for their innate superiority over the others.

Ms. Chilton during a brief period of thoughtful repose

Vice President: Katie Chilton
Willard’s Vice President is one of the most venerable positions on the Exec Board, most recently occupied by the great Carol “Lieutenant of Lusciousness” Li. Willard Vice President is a job that requires the charisma of a puppy, the mental fortitude of Bobby Fischer, and the ability to count (for housing points). Ms. Chilton has all of these prerequisite skills, and then some. With the political dexterity to both befriend all of Willard’s 2011-2012 Class in three days with her batshit-insane antics, and then turn around and pull all the necessary strings on the Exec Board to get things done, Chilton is the clear frontrunner and superior candidate.

Also, Ms. Chilton has promised that, if elected, she will upgrade Willard’s toilet paper to at least single-ply, always keep a free supply of warm chocolate chip cookies in her room, reinstate the annual Frances Willard Party (including the necessary keg on the roof), and create the new traditional “Naked March through the Arch.”

Clearly, this is a man you can trust to handle your dues

Treasurer: John Taseff
Little is known about this elusive Whiz Kid from the 4th floor, besides the shadowy rumors one hears around the sorority quad. Apparently, Mr. Taseff once fought, and defeated, 5 truckers in an Alaskan roadhouse after a heated dispute about the best way to beat Bobba Fett in Shadows of the Empire (for N64), was the creator of Google, Wikipedia, and College ACB, and is a close personal friend of Ben Bernanke (not to mention sworn enemy of Alan Greenspan).

His favorite economic phenomenon is a perfectly elastic market, his ideal dinner date includes Bulbasaur and Friedrich Engels, and his least favorite operating system is Linux. Needless to say, Mr. Taseff is over-qualified, not to mention over-awesome, for the job of Willard Treasurer.

Don't even TRY and deny this jawline

Secretary: Stephen Rees
At first, Mr. Rees might seem like your typical “breathtakingly handsome yet surprisingly humble, intelligent, and funny” run of the mill guy, but once you get to know him, he’s so much more! As Secretary, Rees’ most important duty would be composing and distributing the popular publication “Shits N’ Giggles,” hopefully at a rate somewhat faster than the current speed, which is about as quick as a turtle with a heroin addiction. With his astounding wit and intellect, Rees is guaranteed to leave you both shitless and giggled out by the end of your stay in the stalls.

But Rees’ credentials extend much further than his impeccable comedic style. A Noble Laureate, Head Writer for Saturday Night Live circa 1975, and co-founder/editor of the popular blog Sherman Ave, Mr. Rees has displayed time after time his understanding and mastery of American literature and humor. We cannot stress how kickass of a Secretary Stephen Rees would make, or just how much the survival of all that is beloved about Willard relies on his election.

Hopefully, these endorsements prove helpful in the upcoming elections. No matter what, we have complete faith and trust in the ability of the democratic process to elect the best candidates for the Willard Exec Board. If not, we’d be no better than our despised, tyrannical neighbors, the Evans Scholars.

-The Sherman Ave Editorial Staff