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Tag Archives: England

Prince Emerges From Duchess Kate’s Womb

22 Jul

Womb Raider

At approximately 4:30pm this afternoon, renowned musical artist Prince emerged from the womb of Duchess Kate Middleton at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, sources report.

While there has been considerable hype leading to the birth of Middleton’s child, few were expecting Prince, a 55-year-old racially ambiguous man from Minnesota, to slide out of her uterus this afternoon.

“I must admit I’m a bit surprised,” said Kate Middleton.  “I knew that my son would be someone great, and, er, I know some people think he is great at some things sometimes.”   Continue reading

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7 Steps to Studying Abroad

21 Apr

DAT ASS THO

Study Abroad has been the absolute thing to do ever since Hillary Duff took her talents to Italy in The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Dudes, when that movie first came out you were what, like 9 years old, right? Well now you’re in college, and you’re old enough to have a sexual encounter with Lizzie if you meet her abroad after all of these years of carefully planning your pick up line and follow-up high five.  Or if you’re a chick you’re old enough to have hopefully seen the movie Taken, so you’re balancing the upside of a hot European soccer dude with the downside of a  Romanian with a syringe. Anyway, you’ve got to experience culture and shit or whatever, so here’s the realest way to do study abroad: Continue reading

A line-by-line translation and analysis of Psy’s “Oppan Gangnam Style”

23 Sep

오빤강남스타일

Holy shit, is that a foreign language on the radio? Or is someone doing a poor imitation of Creed’s speech impediment?

강남스타일

Dear radio: making fun of speech impediments is not politically correct anymore. Ugh, I thought we’d come further than this! Once I finish driving home I’m going to make myself a cocktail of vodka and facepalm.

낮에는따사로운인간적인여자

……………………..Holy shit, that IS a foreign language!

Continue reading

10 Events in World History That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed

2 Feb

There was once a time when history was regarded with reverence and esteem. Then the History Channel aired “Ice Road Truckers,” and since then, it has been hard for anyone to take history seriously. That being said, we still view history as an important part of our heritage that must be studied and understood. And by “studied and understood,” we of course mean “examined to establish which historical events would be funniest if all parties involved were shitfaced.” Here at Sherman Ave, history and drinking go together like, well, Mohawk rum and CVS-brand soda. Thus, we proudly present to you the 10 events in world history that totally should have been pregamed.

And you thought Northwestern students' Halloween costumes were offensive

10. The Travels of Marco Polo
As anybody who ever made the excruciating journey from the Keg to the mystical and foreign land of Burger King can attest, drunk adventures just tend to be more interesting than sober travels. Just imagine if Marco Polo had downed two bottles of wine before setting out from Venice! The young guido would probably embark on a series of raucous adventures throughout his travels, recording everything from his first encounters with Asian fusion cuisine in the land of Joy Yee to an ill-fated attempt to skinny dip in the Arabian Sea in an incomprehensibly ungrammatical text message sent to his roommate at three in the morning. The next day, Marco Polo would be way too hungover to feel dismayed by the revelation that, after being carried like three miles by his friends to the Yuan court, Polo used the sacred oil from Jerusalem entrusted to him by Gregory X to introduce the Mongolian Empire to waffle fries before promptly vomiting on Kublai Khan’s lap.

9. The Storming of the Bastille
On July 14, 1789, a bunch of disgruntled poor French people massed upon the Bastille, a large prison known for holding political prisoners. If you think about it, there are only three explanations for masses of people converging on a public place — they’re angry, they’re drunk, or they’re in the Jai Ho music video. Regrettably, seeing as the French were mostly angry in this scenario; they really should have been drunk. Simply compare the nature of angry public gatherings and drunken public gatherings. Angry public gatherings include Occupy Wall Street, Tiananmen Square, and Nazi book burnings. Drunken public gatherings include Snoop Dogg concerts, St. Patrick’s Day, and the celebration of Osama bin Laden’s death. You decide which you find preferable. Besides, A Tale of Two Cities would just be so much more interesting if Madame Lafarge was vomiting uncontrollably in every scene.

8. The Defenestration of Prague
Like anybody needs much provocation to drink in order to escape the infernal bleakness of Eastern Europe. But I usually do need to be at least a couple of shots of absinthe deep before I defend my religious freedom by shoving Catholics out of a third floor window into a pit of manure. Not to mention, a good pregame would have added a whole other layer to the term “getting shit-faced.”

Foam is beer!

7. The Crusades
Which Crusades? ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THE CRUSADES SHOULD HAVE BEEN PREGAMED. Okay, it’s like a road trip, but you can be as sloshy-slosh as you want, because you don’t have to worry about getting a DUI (unless the Holy Roman Empire stringently enforced horse-riding sobriety). Besides, there is no better instigator of belligerent shenanigans than Pope Urban II’s famous declaration, “God wills it!” That’s just asking to be misinterpreted for fratty purposes. Fifteen shots in an hour? God wills it! Eight consecutive kegstands? God wills it! Seriously, if someone walked up to me tomorrow and said “Hey, God wants us to get incredibly blitzed and then go ride a horse from Rome to Jerusalem,” I would instantly buy the necessary supplies. Then I’d probably proceed to buy a bible, to double-check the whole divine mandate thing.

6. Marx Writes the Communist Manifesto
Alcoholism becomes much easier when it’s supported by a good old-fashioned dialectical materialist ideology. A tipsy Marx after an unlucky game of Drunkopoly would undoubtedly replace his theories of Das Kapital with Das Boot, the class struggle with the timeless struggle for consciousness, and the stateless society the ideal of a pants-less society. His manuscript — hastily scrawled on the back of a cocktail napkin — would ignite rebels everywhere with its message, resulting in a series of idealistic revolutions calling for the redistribution of Miller High Life among the proletariat but rapidly degenerating into a dystopian shitshow of Adele lyrics in the gulag of Fran’s Cafe.

5. Hannibal Leading His Army Over the Alps
When I’m plastered, there are only two things I want: Guacamole and Elephants. I have some doubts about the guacamole rations in the Carthaginian army, but there were definitely some fucking elephants. They’re just so large! In that state of mind, it’s difficult to perceive objects larger than the distance between Burger King and 7/11. An elephant would just be mind-blowing. Furthermore, there are tons of fun activities to do in the Alps: skiing, snowboarding, sledding, making snow angels, having snowball fights with fellow Carthaginian soldiers, walking behind Hannibal and quietly muttering lines from “Silence of the Lambs,” etc. If someone just told me to march over an entire mountain range, I’d be pretty miffed, but if someone had me do a power hour and then said “Let’s go hiking!” I’d take the bait like a middle-aged housewife at Herman Cain’s mansion.

A thimblefull of tequila brings out her coquettish side

4. The Trial of Joan of Arc
Tensions might have ran high in the Rouen courtroom as the Maid of Orléans was tried for heresy, but that’s nothing a little Smirnoff chased by a slap can’t solve! If only the Bishop Cauchon had pregamed, the interrogation would have devolved from religious inquiry to a saucy game of “Never Have I Ever,” with questions mostly pertaining to Joan’s fantasies about the Dauphin and her penchant for cross-dressing. Joan of Arc will then famously proceed to declare to the courtroom, “I do not think I am in mortal sin, and if I am, it is for God and the priest in confession to know that I used the pages of Ezekial 23: 19-20 to roll the biggest joint Charles VII ever saw!” The trial would inevitably end with the pronouncement that the patron saint of France was “one righteous motherfucker” before burning her at the stake and cooking escargot over her smoldering ashes.

3. The Arrival of Cortez in Mexico
I’ll be the first to admit: When I’ve have too much to drink, I’m very friendly. Best friends are inundated with hugs, acquaintances are equally inundated with hugs, and the quiet Korean girl from my Econ discussion probably sustains a fairly serious spinal injury from the amount and magnitude of the hugs with which she is inundated. But even in all of my drunken affection, I very rarely greet a stranger and jump to the conclusion that they are the god Quetzalcoatl. There was that one time, but she had a very oddly proportioned face, and I couldn’t come up with any other explanation for it. Ultimately, Montezuma and his Aztec cronies should have heavily pregamed the arrival of Cortez, if for no other reason than to justify their absurd actions (just think if only Cortez had been entranced by the Aztec’s gold tequila rather than the golden buildings of Tenochtitlan). I’d have to be incredibly trashed to give a stranger the keys to the capital city of my civilization, even though I was once trashed enough to lock the keys in the car at 2:30 in the morning after drunkenly transporting a couch through several blocks of downtown Evanston.

2. The Construction of Stonehenge
Seeing as its pretty easy to build Stonehenge in the opening of Civilization IV, I can only assume that the Druids were pretty far gone when they built one the most complex monuments of the Stone Age. I mean, you’d kind of have to be three sheets to the wind to agree to lug 25-ton rocks from a Welsh quarry to some testament for the enterprising spirit of man. Assuming the Druids were drunk on mead, there are few explanations remaining for the memorial. My guess is that they either built a fast-food restaurant catering to students’ late-night culinary needs, or else a bar with a lax ID policy and stripper poles on the dance floor.

Drink every time a Russian model looks like this by the time she hits her mid-thirties?

1. Russia
You may not have ever thought to pregame an entire nation, but it seems like the only appropriate thing to do. I’d really like to isolate a single event in Russian history that needs to be pregamed more than the others, but that is simply a Sisyphean task. Conclusion: Nothing in or relating to Russia should ever involve sobriety. Therefore, instead of painstakingly listing every event in Russian history, I present to you: “History of Russia: The Drinking Game!”
• Drink every time Russia is invaded in the winter against the invader’s better judgment
• Drink every time a prominent politician is sent to a gulag
• Drink every time Brezhnev’s eyebrows appear in an intricate nightmare of yours
• Drink every time Putin shares an uncomfortably intimate moment with a wild animal
• Drink every time Tolstoy and/or Dostoevsky makes you lose faith in everything, LITERALLY EVERYTHING
• Drink every time Tchaikovsky tries to suppress his latent homosexuality
• Drink every time a Russian leader tries to expand executive power
o Drink twice if it’s Putin
• Waterfall from 1917-1991

Ross Packingham and Evander Jones

9 Historically-Inspired Pornos That Never Made It

25 Jul

The document is also famous for requiring King John to adhere to a predetermined safe word

9. Magnum Carta
In a shocking display of civic and sexual liberty, a group of well-endowed barons fight against the tyranny of King John “Softsword” of England by proclaiming their freedom from arbitrary sexual mores. A merry jaunt throughout the English countryside ensues, including a “jousting” match with King Arthur over Guinevere, an ill-fated run in with the Duke of Cunterbury, and an intense search for the Holy Grail of Virility in a nunnery. This historical work is sure to probe the annals of history with by transporting the audience back to the days before body-shaving became an accepted social practice.

8. Battle of Assterlitz
In this no-holes barred epic sparring match between three emperors, Napoleon proves that it’s not size that matters, but how you use it. Making up for his diminutive height with excessive girth, Napoleon (a.k.a. “The Dicka from Corsica”) dominates Alexander I before introducing the liberal French concept of mutual oral sex to Central Europe and instituting the Napoleonic Bro-Code over all his subjects. Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy would later chronicle the event in his famed 1400-page historical novel War and Peace and Splooge

Armstrong sexiling Aldrin from the lunar module

7. Full Moon Landing
The year 1969 just got even better. Famed astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decide to take their American thrusters up to the moon to try and go where no man has ever gone before. After “planting their flag” in extra-terrestrial terrain, the two men then troll for martian babes in their lunar rover, eventually finding three sisters named the Sirens of Titan to engage in some of the most captivating zero-gravity zallywhacking caught on tape. Conspiracy theorists still claim that Armstrong’s landing was faked, but Full Moon Landing‘s point-of-view evidence is hard to ignore.

6. Pythagoras and the Love Triangle
Two Athenian women. One Greek philosopher. Triangles have never been so scintillating and geometry has never been cooler, as Pythagoras learns how to solve one of the most complex dilemmas of all time with just a simple right angle.

And you thought that today's porn stars had weird facial hair

5. Pickett’s Large!
July 3, 1863 was a day that shook America, as thousands of sexually frustrated women from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line marched uphill across a mile-long plain in pursuit of charming, pretty-boy Confederate general George Pickett’s notoriously gargantuan package. A ferocious battle ensued, as the hungry hordes fought amongst themselves viciously for the commander’s famed freakstick. After a sweltering afternoon full of girl-on-girl action, the victor of the bi-curious competition would ruefully be Mary Todd Lincoln, renowned leg-spreader. Years later, her only reflections on the experience would be: “Well, he certainly wasn’t a Little Round Top!”

4. Gang of Six
Balancing the budget has never been sexier as these six senators are forced to put aside their partisan differences in order to raise the roof (and the debt ceiling) with their clout. In the craziest sex act Congress has witnessed since Speaker of the House Boehner fellated every member of the Tea Party in 2010, Sen. Sexby Chambliss (R, GA) and Sen. Tricky-Dick Durbin (D, IL) spearhead a mind-boggling orgy of budget cuts and tax-raising that leaves Sen. Kent Cumrad (D, ND) shrieking in ecstasy and Sen. Tom Cobourn (R, OK) laying in the corner covered in body fluid and defaulted U.S. government bonds. Directed by Harry Reid and produced by President Obama, this masterpiece has received rave reviews that suggest it might be the best American political porno since Ronald Rumpleforeskin Invades Grenada: Operation Urgent Fury.

She was also in flagrant violation of Charles VII's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy

3. Joan of Arc: The Maid of Orlèans
Claiming divine guidance, Joan attempts to throw off the shackles of English rule by sleeping with as many English soldiers as possible to convince them of France’s sexual superiority. Originally force to disguise herself as a man, a task she excels at, Joan miraculously lifts the siege of Orlèans with a simple lift of her skirt. After a role-play incident involving a witch’s costume goes terribly awry, however, she is burned at the stake for heresy. She was later exonerated, and named the patron saint of the French and trannies everywhere.

2. The Boobonic Plague
14th Century Europe gets rocked by the greatest disease ever witnessed. When Europe’s female population is exposed to this infection, they experience surprisingly large growth in the chest area and ravenous sexual desire, nearly overwhelming the male population and spreading the disease like wildfire. Bawdier than one of Chaucer’s wet dreams and starring Brooklyn Decker and Pamela Anderson as two serfs desperately searching for a cure before their backs break, this film tells the tale of how one epidemic forever changed the face, and breasts, of Europe.

Bet 7th Grade Social Studies never taught you about Revere's whip fetish

1. One If By Rear, Two If By Mouth
The British are cumming! Since a young age, we’ve been told all about Paul Revere’s heroic journey through the American colonies to warn his fellow countrymen of the approaching British, but we’ve never had as much exposure to the other aspect of his legend – his insatiable sexual appetite. In this classic, Revere tours the Original 13, regaling his female compatriots with his glorious meat-staff and giving a whole new meaning to “Paul Revere’s ride.” Don’t miss the plot twist at the end of the story, as Revere joins forces with his old wingman William Dawes to double the level of pre-revolutionary plowing.

Evander Jones and Ross Packingham

Revelations from the News of the World wiretaps

14 Jul

Don't let the jowels deceive you: This man is as evil as he is shrewd

As if the world needed further proof of Ruport Murdoch’s penchant for pure evil, the Master of Misinformation has recently become embroiled in a scandal of heinous proportions. Allegations are swirling that Murdoch’s best-selling tabloid, the News of the World, has widely engaged in illegal phone hacking over the years in order to intercept the voicemails of numerous public figures, including victims of terrorism and murder. Not that we ever held the “News of the Screws” to particularly high ethical levels, but it seems that most Brits expected the tabloid to have developed a slightly higher morality than Nixon. But now, thanks to our shady underworld connections, we have uncovered and poured over the secret trove of the results of nearly 168 years of wiretapping conducted by the News of the World, and are now prepared to share their revelations with the rest of the world:

-Thanks to a loophole in Parliamentary Procedure, Hugh Grant accidentally served as acting Prime Minister for three days in 2008 while Gordon Brown was out sick with the flu.

-Sean Connery cries at the end of Love Actually every time.

-Queen Victoria suffered from a severe schoolgirl crush on Jefferson Davis during his tenure as President of the Confederate States of America.

-John Lennon’s favorite past time during recording sessions was to prank call Scotland Yard and repeatedly ask to speak to “Mike Rotch.”

-Christopher Nolan cannot get to sleep at night without masturbating to at least one of his own movies.

-David Cameron never returns Nick Clegg’s phone calls.

-Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore was originally conceived as a rock opera chronicling W.S. Gilbert’s forays into England’s Victorian-era sexual underground.

-It took King George VI nearly four months to learn how to correctly say, “Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?”

-The England National Football Team is never as good as the expectations.

-Prime Minister John Major secretly thought that Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was a pompous jackass.

-Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher totally hooked up with Princess Di in the loo of at least 3 different Manchester clubs. Gallagher would later regret breaking their tryst off because it was making him an “emotional wreck.”

-Oscar Wilde spent 97% of his time rehearsing witticisms to drop while mingling in high society.

-Margaret Thatcher’s eyes emit a powerful laser, hot enough to burn a socialist alive in .67 seconds, and bring the Falkland Islands to their knees.

-Harry Potter is still awaiting trial regarding his vigilante form of justice.

-Helena Bonham Carter and husband Tim Burton engage in the strangest sex known to man.

-David Beckham is rumored to play for a soccer club known to some as the “LA Galaxy,” a supposed American professional soccer club and member of the mythical and shadowy organization dubbed the “MLS.”

-Elizabeth II was extraordinarily disappointed when Prince William decided to marry Kate Middleton, citing reports that Pippa Middleton is clearly the hotter of the two.

-Rupurt Murdoch is still a tremendous asshole.