Tag Archives: equality

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

1 Apr
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

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Why I’m Voting for Obama: Five Haikus

28 Oct

I’d give him the head of state.

I’m no political scientist. I have never peered over the edge of the fiscal cliff; my knowledge of U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan is hazier than the only night I’ve ever been to the Deuce; and I picture the inner workings of the White House as strikingly similar to the Department of Mysteries in Harry Potter.

I am, however, a sucker for cool people doing cool shit. So SUCK IT, political ideologues – this election day, I’m gonna vote for Obama because he is both a PILF and the epitome of badass. Never mind that I believe in his straightforward adherence to old-fashioned democratic ideals – as in, equality in everything from universal health care  and marriage to freedom of choice – or his defense of national parks, or the respect he commands internationally. That shit pales in comparison to his killer dirt-off-your-shoulder. The Obamas, ESPECIALLY Barack, are rad. Just like, super cool. Honestly, even if Obama was all, “Let’s just put Sasha and Malia and the dog in charge while I go surfing in Honolulu and smoke some weed,” I’d vote for him anyway. A cool president is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector.

You know what else is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector? Amateur poetry. And everyone knows that the best form of amateur poetry comes in snack-size haikus – traditional short-form Japanese poems that follow a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern. So without further ado, I present an artistic homage to my favorite prez’ campaign in a manner that’s about as political as a toy poodle.

On Michelle’s super-toned arms
Graceful, burnished, buff
Those arms could lift our nation.
Can I vote for them?

On Barack’s Rad Music Taste
Let’s contrast your tunes
– Kanye, Bruce, Aretha – Mitt’s:
Toby Fucking Keith.

On the fact that he has a puppy named in accordance with said music taste:
You’re the First Dog, the
Second Bo, the third chillest
White House resident.

On Weapons of Choice
In a real battle,
Your horses and bayonets
Would smash Mitt’s Big Bird.

On the book he wrote/dedicated to his daughters WHILE BEING A PRESIDENT
You wrote a FUCKING
KID’S BOOK about national
Heroes. Marriage me, plz.

Now that you’ve learned a little more about America’s favorite chiller firsthand – and gotten a little lesson in poetic brilliance along the way – I challenge you to come up with a haiku of your own about Mr. Barack! Challenge yourself and make it politically relevant. Better yet, make it dope.

Rock out with ur barack out,

President Obama supports gay marriage, and other obvious things

9 May

In an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced for the first time his public support for same-sex marriage. In other news: the sky is fucking blue, the Cubs are in last place and the Octomom is doing porn.

I mean, I get it. This is the first time a sitting President has come out in favor of not being a discriminatory poopyface. And I’m thrilled. This is a huge step for marriage equality in America and reminds us of the reason so many young people stopped watching pre-Octomom porn, got off their asses and voted for the man in 2008.

Obama’s position on gay marriage up until today.

But literally this is no surprise. He’s been “evolving” and “grappling” and “nakedly wrestling in a pool of Jello” with the issue for years, and I think we all know what that means. People generally don’t experiment with marriage equality then decide to come back to hetero-only ways. Once they’ve seen more fabulous pastures, no amount of praying or therapy is going to bring them back.

Now, there’s likely going to be considerable controversy and debate and discussion and BLAH FUCKING BLAH about this in the coming weeks. Which is stupid because B-Sizzle has honestly been going “Uh, I’m not sure on the gays getting all married. Seems like the kind of thing I’d support, because of logic and all, but maybe not. I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see, WINKEDY WINK WINK” since he was inaugurated. This isn’t really news. I mean it kind of is because of history but mainly it isn’t because of obvious.

You know what is closer to being news? The Log Cabin Republicans, a group of GOPers who favor gay rights and same-sex marriage and hate crime legislation and banning discrimination and seem to be unaware that there’s already a party with that platform, blasted Obreezy for his announcement. They called it “callous and offensive.” Which is actually what most people in favor of marriage equality call the existence of Rick Santorum.

We assume this is what the Log Cabin Republicans look like.

But I say “closer to being news” because even this isn’t news. I know it may seem newsworthy that a pro-gay rights group criticized the President for supporting their agenda, but it’s not. Because their name is four words long and the last one is “Republicans.” Which means they’re required by law to reflexively criticize everything Barry does (see: Osama-bin-Laden-killing, Libya-genocide-preventing). So even this isn’t news. KAYGR8.

Now, if these things are getting press coverage, then I want to formally request the media be present for all obvious events in my life. Passed out on the bus to a crush party? DIANE SAWYER BEST BE REPORTING LIVE. Couldn’t connect to the wireless at registration time? I WANT A TRIBUNE EXPOSE. Ate seven pieces of shitty pizza after I promised I’d only have one and then didn’t go to SPAC because I was still full from all the shitty pizza? WHERE THE FRICK IS RYAN SEACREST? Cried myself to sleep again? DON’T CARE IF IT’S EMBARRBARR I JUST WANT HUFFPO TO LINK TO A STORY ABOUT IT.

In summary, it’s great that B-Rock came out in support of letting all the gays get divorced too, but it’s not exactly on the same scale as if Mitt Romney ever doesn’t have an awkward interaction with one of the poors. This was expected. It was obvious. It was necessary but unsurprising. It was basically the Norris Food Court (or Willie’s as the cool kids call it) of political announcements. And it’s made me soooo in loooove with him again.