Douche Croissants
EVANSTON–After returning from a 5-month study abroad program located in Paris, France, Sally Peterson (Weinberg ’14) reportedly spent the next month and a half being an annoying prick about how life-changing the experience was.
Those who have spoken to Peterson since she returned have said that she “literally will not shut the fuck up about study abroad and how cultured she is.”
DAT ASS THO
Study Abroad has been the absolute thing to do ever since Hillary Duff took her talents to Italy in The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Dudes, when that movie first came out you were what, like 9 years old, right? Well now you’re in college, and you’re old enough to have a sexual encounter with Lizzie if you meet her abroad after all of these years of carefully planning your pick up line and follow-up high five. Or if you’re a chick you’re old enough to have hopefully seen the movie Taken, so you’re balancing the upside of a hot European soccer dude with the downside of a Romanian with a syringe. Anyway, you’ve got to experience culture and shit or whatever, so here’s the realest way to do study abroad: Continue reading
Next time, use snapchat
We need to get one thing straight: I don’t give a flying fuck about what you ate for dinner last night. Or a regular fuck, for that matter. So I don’t—repeat, DO NOT—want to see any more pictures of your goddamn food on my newsfeed.
That means you, study-abroaders. Oooh, look at you and your curry. Guess what, you puff of spicy flatulence? I can get delectable mostly-authentic cuisine delivered to the cozy warmth of the sorority house. You had to go to Europe. I’m sorry— who’s winning here?
Cho’s camel, lamenting the demanding lifestyle of a stupid fucking camel.
RABAT, MOROCCO – In a wholly unprecedented move, Northwestern University junior Jeffrey Cho posted a picture of himself riding a camel to his Facebook timeline earlier this afternoon, sources report.
Cho, who has been studying abroad in Madrid since late August, had reportedly gone on a weekend trip to Morocco with four friends from his program. He had told his parents in a Skype session last week that it would likely include “some type of desert excursion.”
Jeffrey’s father, Richard, admitted that he was especially shocked when he saw the picture on Facebook.
Nothing at all like the rush of adrenaline you get from completing your Econ midterm.
In an unprecedented ruling that is sure to produce a sea-change in intercollegiate athletics for years to come, NCAA officials, coaches, and players acknowledged that college athletic programs have become dangerously large entities that threaten the values and integrity of their institutions.
“Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “Which is why all NCAA athletic programs are voluntarily returning malignantly profitable sports like football and basketball to their proper status as amateur ventures.”
“We were all just kind of sitting around, trying to figure out how to properly punish Penn State for their culture of football reverence and blatant exploitation of a corrupt system to protect an enterprise bloated with big-time money,” continued Emmert, “And we were just like, ‘You know, this whole issue is really more a sign of an endemic problem throughout collegiate athletics. Who are we to wag our finger at Penn State for protecting a highly profitable venture while the SEC stands to make $300 million dollars in annual television earnings alone?'”
“I mean, amirite guys?” stressed Emmert. “So we just called up the top Division 1 athletic directors, and they were totally on-board with our plan to make sure all colleges and universities placed rigorous academic discipline, study, and success ahead of athletic victory. Because when you really think about it, what’s more valuable to these kids, a college degree from Boise State, or a Fiesta Bowl victory?”
Numerous coaches and players eagerly lent their support to the NCAA’s ruling.
“It’s high time we put the ‘student’ first in ‘student-athlete,'” concurred Nick Saban, head coach of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide football team, for approximately the 679,506th time in his life. “You know, just because I make ten times more per year than my school’s chancellor does not mean I am any less committed to ensuring that this institution focuses on the academic priorities of our students.”
According to Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini, “The University of Nebraska-Lincoln has always been a bastion of higher education and scholarly pursuits. I want my players to focus on their mental finesse much more than their physical prowess. And if [starting quarterback Taylor Martinez] just isn’t quite in form for kickoff against academic powerhouse Southern Miss because he spent too much time this summer reading Russian Literature and Margaret Atwood poetry instead of working out in the weight room, then I know I have succeeded, not just as a coach, but as a leader of young men.”
Players have responded favorably to Emmert’s ruling as well.
Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton, for example, has already announced his desire to temporarily retire from professional football in order to complete his degree from Auburn University. “Not a day goes by,” admitted Newton, “That I don’t regret forgoing my senior year of college and instead signing a four-year contract worth a guaranteed $22 million dollars. Sure, that’s a lot of money, but just think about how happy I would be right now if I had cared less about a frivolous playground game and instead focused more intently on my Sociology major!”
Power forward Anthony Davis Jr., meanwhile, has turned down the New Orleans Hornets, who drafted him number one in the draft, so that he can pursue his more cerebral interests than defending the low post. “If there’s one thing coach John Calipari taught me at Kentucky, it’s that winning isn’t everything,” said Davis. “Calipari was always great and easy-going, insisting that there is a life beyond basketball and that we should pursue whatever interests us.
KD has also announced his decision to return and finish his college degree and finally finish watching every episode of Dr. Who.
“I mean, holy shit, I’m only 19! I’ve got my whole world ahead of me,” mused Davis. “I don’t need to pigeon-hole myself into the world of professional basketball. I think I’d really like to try other things, like maybe Teach for America or the Peace Corps. Or maybe backpacking through Europe before I start working on a doctoral thesis. Really get out and see the world, you know? Sports are only temporary, but your mind, your mind is for life.”
The effects of this paradigm shift in intercollegiate sports at the highest level are sure to have a deep and profound impact on college athletic programs as we know them. Analyst Lee Corso has already predicted that this will spark an unprecedented string of BCS bowl victories for schools like Northwestern, Notre Dame, and Stanford, while Jay Bilas is already beside himself looking forward to the rise of the Pomona Sagehends, Macalester Macs, and the Rhode Island School of Design Balls, who are sure to put together dynastic basketball programs thanks to their nationally respected culture of higher education.
Don't forget your D&D board
Rule #1: Pack Light
Now I don’t want to sound like your grandpa, but when I marched across Europe in Patton’s Third Army, I was allowed to carry nothing but a canteen and a rifle. The ability to pack light is not only an excellent life skill (just ask anyone except Chris McCandless), but is also indispensable when moving to college. For one thing, you won’t make a stellar first impression on your roommate if you show up on the first day with 200 books and 35 hoodies. Additionally, it’s important to note that your dorm rooms are not especially large. And when I say “not especially large,” what I mean is “atrociously small.” Unless you live in Rogers House, in which case you have numerous other concerns.
Sherman Ave 