Mayor Tisdahl Sacrifices First-Born Child in Anti-Dillo Day Rain Dance

EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.”  Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.

Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.

“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.”

Keg Week 2013: Evaluating Possible Kegplacements

All those fun Evanston bars you can’t get into, and then also the Deuce.

As tragic as the loss of our dearly departed TKOE is, the simple truth remains that life must go on and the hein must continue. So it is that we, a sad and weary bunch, take up the task of finding a kegplacement. Urged on by a resigned knowledge that we have no other option, and by the occasional inbox for our devoted readers asking for our help, we accept our duty and offer a guide to possible locations to fill the gaping hole in our hearts that was The Keg:

Bat 17: Well heeeellllloooooo renovation, and what beautiful timing you have. Just as our hearts were broken to pieces by Mayor Tisdaddy, Bat chose to pick them up and build them into a huge new bar area. The newly renovated Bat features wide open spaces perfect for sweaty, unconscionable grinding and maintains its excellent drink selection. Still, a couple of prohibitive factors remain, including its relatively high prices and reasonable (read: “following the law”) ID policy. On the other hand, BEER TOWERS.

Keg Week 2013 EXCLUSIVE: Tisdahl Shut Down TKOE Because She Had “A Really Shitty Time There Once”

Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl confirmed Tuesday that her years-long campaign against The Keg of Evanston, which ultimately forced the legendary bar to close last month, was rooted in one bad experience she had at The Keg.

“I just wanted to get my rageface on”

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave, Tisdahl said that The Keg “fucking sucked” and “only douchebags went there.” It all began, Tisdahl said, when she was denied entry to the bar because she was over 21.

Keg Week 2013: A Hypothetical Timeline of Tonight At The Keg

Tonight is a Monday night. Not just that, it is the Monday night before a new quarter begins. This should be The Keg’s time to shine; instead, thanks to the relentless wrath of Lizzy Tizzy, there is no Keg.

But don’t think that means there is no hope! In fact, as part of our court-ordered community service for “shitting on every building at U of C” we’ve decided to run through a timeline of what tonight would have held, had TKOE been open for heinous:

Home is where the hein is.

9:34pm: A group of freshmen who have never been to The Keg arrive, WildCards in hand, to see what all the fuss is about. No one else is there yet. There is no doorman. “I thought this was the place to be!” exclaims one Ayers resident.

10:18pm: The popcorn machine comes to life by its own volition, signaling the beginning of Keg Monday. Employees start to trickle in and wipe up Saturday’s vomit.